Category: <3

notice to those who know me

what i write here is just what is going on in my head at any given moment. it is neither fiction nor fact. it is just thoughts. sometimes i might say things that are scary. sometimes i may say things which are troubling. sometimes i may say things which are unhinged or unfounded or just straight up wacky. but sometimes i say things which are also filled with love and hope and cheer.

take it all with a grain of salt ok?

that said, i am considering anonymizing this place once more. it feel safer when i know it’s only strangers reading my nonsense.

your court now.

you just left… and i already miss you.

i’m not sure what to think. i know why you’re hesitant. i know why you’re doubtful. i know every single reason why you feel the way you do… and you’re not wrong, honestly.

but the hopeless romantic in me believes it all to be hogwash.

real connection, real love, that can overcome all obstacles, right?

i know we don’t have a solution to this problem of ours. and i know it doesn’t seem like there is one right now. i know that. i’m not completely delusional.

but… we also don’t know what we don’t know. which means there is possibly a solution, we just don’t know what it is currently… right?

i can’t, not even for a second, believe that there is no solution here. i think we just don’t know what it is. this exists for a reason. there are too many “coincidences”, too many things which line up, too many things which fit perfectly… leaving it without so much as a CHANCE at a happy ending would be some seriously cruel and unusual shit.

so, yes. i want to try and figure this out. yes, i want to take that chance. yes, i think it is absolutely worthwhile.

but only if you do too… because i can’t do it by myself.

my turn

i guess it’s my turn to feel like an idiot. what did i think would happen? dammit. i told you from the very beginning that this was not fair for you. right from the start. i told you all the reasons. i told you how i was no good. i told you all of the insurmountable roadblocks. the problems. the red flags.

but you said they were just complications not problems. you said that you were not afraid of them. and i believed you.

i told you what i wanted. what i needed. what i yearned for. i told you why i was turning my life upside down. i told you why i needed to start everything over. and i told you i saw the spark of what i wanted and needed in you, in us, and you didn’t object. you didn’t deny it. you didn’t stop me. not that it’s your job to manage how i feel, but you could have told me that it wasn’t you, or that you didn’t want it to be you, or that you were not ready for it to be you, or that you couldn’t let it be you. but you didn’t.

i think you’ve known for a long time what will happen next. i think you’ve already made up your mind and you are too scared to say it because you know that it will change things between us. the energy will change and you won’t be able to have control over that. you said once before that you’ve had similar relationships where towards the end you felt like you were discarded because the other person got what they wanted from you and then moved on, and you’re afraid of this happening here… but is that really what happened? or did you have a similar relationship where you had to make a similar choice and you didn’t choose them, and so they let you go. they stopped expending the same energy on you. they moved on to find what they were looking for… leaving you feeling discarded… even though you chose that?

i don’t know… deep down i’m still holding on to hope. i told you i would, even if you didn’t choose me. i am weak like that. i am hoping that i am worth the risk. i am hoping that you realize i am being completely honest with you. i am hoping you can see the good i want for you and the happiness i want to bring you. i am hoping you see i am worth the effort and decide to take that chance. i know it’s a lot to ask. i know it’s too much to ask even. and i know you should say no. i know i don’t deserve what i am asking for. i don’t deserve a second chance. i don’t deserve that kind of happiness. i don’t deserve you.

soon!

a is coming to visit me today.

i am every so slightly freaking out.

i am have so much hope and excitement built up i feel like i might explode.

i made her a playlist with 104 songs on it. they are all love songs in some form or another. i sent it to her yesterday, so she’ll have it to listen to on the drive today. i hope she likes it 🙂

—

i over think a lot. i self sabotage. i tell myself all kind of stories in my head, both good and bad and it sets me off in all kinds of directions. BUT… here there is this girl who is about to drive for 7 hours just to hang out with ME. this is not a product of over think. this is not delusion. this is actual fact, and it blows my mind.

i have to remember that. i’m worth someone’s time and effort. i deserve happiness.

i’m (not) sure

should i consider my recent lack of motivation to write a good thing, or a bad thing?

i’m not sure.

on one hand, typically i write when i feel like my head or heart might explode. it’s a pressure relief system. its an outlet which lets me express how i am feeling so it doesn’t eat me alive.

so now on the other hand, i am not feeling so motivated to write lately… does that mean there is less pressure to relieve? does that mean i am feeling better? does that mean i am starting to be happy and feel less tortured?

i’m not sure.

yesterday a friend of mine came to pick up l to bring him on a hike with her son. when they got back she came in to chat for a quick minute and asked me if i was feeling happier, because i looked happier. am i happier?

i’m not sure.

a lot of things which i can’t quite put my finger on it seems…

there are some things which i am sure of though. for example, my stress level is down and my hope for the future is up.

in a couple weeks a will be coming to visit. i am really, really looking forward to that. i feel like it will kind of determine what happens and what is prioritized for the rest of this year.

space

you know what? i hate this word.

i think mostly because it’s so vague, so bland, so non-descript, so open ended that it provides zero clarity and only insecurity.

it’s a convenient way of telling someone you don’t want to talk or interact with them by leveraging their feelings for you against them and doesn’t require you to offer any explanation whatsoever, you need space to figure that out, right?

it really doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end of that and yet somehow feels incredibly relieving to be on the giving end of that and have it accepted without being challenged too much.

what a selfish construct of interpersonal relationships. i hate it so much.

and so what does one do to fix this? i suppose if you’re the one saying you need space, the kind thing to do is to clarify it as much as possible. why do you need space? what is causing you the need to retreat? how is the space going to help you? how much space do you need? for how long? what are the rules of engagement around this space?

and if you are on the receiving end what do you do? ask these same questions? that doesn’t work unless the requester is in the same mindset, if anything it is completely counter productive to what they are asking for.

“i need to talk to you less”

“okay talk to me more to explain why you need to talk to me less”

eugh… i don’t know. i don’t have any great revelations or insights here. i just hate this word, this concept, this feeling. on both sides of the fence.

what’s wrong with me

the first thoughts when i get up, the last thoughts when i lay down. it’s you. it shouldn’t be you. but it’s you. it’s always you.

today i told myself i wouldn’t do that. i told myself today i would be focusing on other things. i told myself that today was going to be good, and filled with things i need to do, things which make me feel like i am getting somewhere, things which make me feel happy, things which make me feel fulfilled. things that make me feel accomplished. basically anything but things which are you.

but there is only you. i’m afraid that there will only be you for a very long time.

“you’re only allowed 3 great ones in your lifetime, they come along like the great fighters, once every 10 years…”

k, k, a

a

hey. i don’t know how to do this. i am kind of freaking out here. you said and did a couple of things recently which made me think this was coming, but none of that actually prepared me for anything it seems. and now that you’ve walked away i am lost. completely and utterly broken.

i know i didn’t put up a fight this time, i just let you go. i can’t fight you. i can’t argue with you. you say you are unhappy and that you need to go away, presumably to fix that and that it was not for me to fix. what am i supposed to say to that?

i can only assume that your unhappiness is in part because of me, or that the key to your happiness is somehow blocked by my presence in your life.

that cuts me so fucking deep i can’t even put it into words. do you have any idea how much that hurt me? all i have ever wanted from the very first day we met, was to learn more about you and to bring some kind of enrichment to your life. i’ve wanted to be part of your life and you to be part of mine in so many ways, in every way, in all the ways. so, the fact that you need to cut me out to be happy is just… i can’t.

and the no response after, no goodbye, no nothing. i don’t think you could have orchestrated a more magnificent coup de grace if you even tried.

you know i love you, right? like… i’m actually in love with you. i know i have not said those words, what credibility would i have saying them even? i’m a fool. i’m an idiot. i’m a disaster. i am a giant bag of red flags. i have no god damn idea what i am doing. but i do know for certain how i feel about you. i love you.

too little, too late. i get it.

i really, really hope you can find the happiness you are looking for. there is literally not another person on the face of the planet who deserves that more that you.

goodbye my petite laitue.

adrift

where to begin…
what even matters at this point?

the days blur,
or is it weeks?
time drifts like fog on the water,
soft at the edges, dissolving as i reach for it.

i need something solid, something ahead—
a goal, a place, a reason to move.
but more than that, i need a tether.

not an anchor, not a chain,
just a line—something to hold,
something that can tug when i forget which way is forward,
something i can pull when i need to feel close to something real.

but the last of my tethers have frayed,
unraveled into the cold, dark current.
i reach, i pull—only to find slack,
the rope trailing loose in the vast, empty water.

i am adrift.