i told a i wanted to see her again. she got upset. to her, seeing each other would lead to vulnerability, would lead to us getting closer, would lead to her having to choose whether or not she wanted to change her life, for me… for us.
she couldn’t bring herself to even entertain that idea, other than in a joking way. but for me, this was crucial. this was critical. this was not an option.
remaining in this fantasy world connected only via a screen is not enough. i could do it for a while, sure, but there has to be some element outside of that. there has to be the promise of more.
so i kept pushing. i kept suggesting. i kept dropping obvious hints. until finally, i asked if i was being too much, if i should just cool it and back off. the answer i got was a huge slap in the face.
“do what you want, i’m going to bed”
after the fact she said she didn’t mean it like that, but in the moment, how do you think i took it? that fucking comment snapped my fucking reality into crystal clarity. as much as i love her, she was never going to be the one because she doesn’t want to be. i can’t be with someone who i need to convince to want to be with me. that’s only going to lead to resentment.
so after a week of thinking about it, and honestly, not handling it well… i told her i couldn’t do this any more and just wanted to revert back to being just friends.
that… did not go well.
right away she deleted any picture or sound clip ever sent to me… so whatever was built over the last year, immediately decimated. and then she started scrolling back through things i said previously and shoved them in my face to make me feel bad.
i stuck to it, wanting to be friends still despite the obvious attempt at hurting me back and reclaiming control of the situation, and tried to remain calm. i asked to take a few so we could cool off. so then a couple days later, when i re-iterated that i cared and wanted to be friends still… she used my words against me once more and said this was not fixable and she didn’t want to be my friend.
i’m not going to fight it. all that will happen is more hurt. so i’ll be the bad guy again and let her feel like she won. maybe that will be easier for her.