Category: :(

the house is quiet tonight

the house is quiet tonight.

not the peaceful kind of quiet,
where everything is exactly where it belongs.

the other kind.

the kind where the refrigerator hum
sounds like a distant highway,
and every room feels a little larger
than it did when the day began.

Ii sit here,
surrounded by evidence of a life
that somehow survived itself.

photographs.
projects.
half-finished plans.
a future i once thought was impossible,
and another future i was certain would happen
but didn’t.

the strange thing is,
if you had asked me two years ago
whether i could endure all of this,
i would have said no.

absolutely not.

yet here i am.

still making coffee in the morning.
still paying the bills.
still worrying about my kids.
still fixing broken things.
still finding songs that make me pull the car over
just to listen one more time.

still here.

sometimes I think life changes
like a car skidding on black ice.

you don’t steer toward where you’re going.

you stare in disbelief
at where you’ve already ended up.

a different house.
different dreams.
different fears.

different love.

and somehow,
the road continues.

tonight,
certainty feels very far away.

the future feels blurry.
the heart feels brave one minute
and terrified the next.

i look at the empty chair across the room
and wonder how many versions of myself
have sat exactly where i am now.

the husband.

the father.

the musician.

the man who wanted to leave.

the man who was afraid to leave.

the man who hoped.

the man who lost.

the man who found something new.

all of them still living somewhere inside me,
arguing quietly in the dark.

but beneath all that noise,
there is something else.

something older.

a voice that says:

look at everything you’ve survived.

look at the fires.
look at the heartbreak.
look at the impossible conversations.
look at the nights you thought
you had ruined everything.

you are still here.

not untouched.

not certain.

not finished.

but here.

and maybe that’s enough for tonight.

maybe tonight doesn’t require answers.

maybe tonight only asks that I sit
with this strange, unfinished life,
listen to the quiet,
and trust that tomorrow
will reveal itself
the same way every other tomorrow has.

one ordinary sunrise at a time.

i’m angry with you, but i will never tell you.

i’ve not written anything in a while… having this page discovered and then read by an unintended audience has soured everything.

i don’t want to shirk any accountability for my own words and actions, but having this place sullied and ripped away from me left a vacuum. it removed a much needed pressure relief valve for me. it stole my only outlet for my more intrusive thoughts and left them trapped in my head.

the end result is that i have hurt people i care so much about, not intentionally, but because i didn’t, and if i am honest, still don’t know how to deal with these feelings and emotions.

—

i am trying to come to terms with being alone. like really alone. up until very recently i had someone i could reach out to all the time, about pretty much anything. and now… through my poor choices and inability to self regulate i have alienated everyone.

that realization is depressing, and scary and also upsetting, but for other reasons than what you might anticipate. i made mistakes, sure. i said things i shouldn’t have. i pushed people away that didn’t deserve it. but i also apologized, and tried to make amends, and learned lessons, grew and changed from it.

but it didn’t matter. or it wasn’t enough.

maybe i am just not enough.

maybe my worth really is only what i can provide.

maybe all i deserve is to be alone.

maybe that’s better for everyone.

give me something to hold on to

everything feels like it is just slipping away. like when you pick up a fist full of beach sand and you squeeze it as tight as you can, but it still just pours out of your hand, leaving you with the few grains of sand that stick to your sweaty palms and abrade your skin… reminding you of what you once held.

i hate it. honestly, i feel like i am losing sight of my destination at this point. i feel lost, and i don’t know where home is. i’m not ok, but i don’t know what to do about it. i feel like i have lost any real connections i once had, and trying to make new ones feels impossible for some reason.

i don’t want to do this alone. i want someone in my corner. i swear i will make it worth their while. i have so much to fucking give… i don’t care how imbalanced it is as long as you have my back when i need you. i don’t care how much i have to suffer so long as i know i have someone to come home to who will make me feel safe.

i’m lost in the desert, there is sand all around me that i can pick up, but it feels like i can’t hold any of it for any length of time before it too slips away.

what’s the point? i feel like giving up.

all i want to hear is your voice

you’re so selfish. a peculiar kind of selfish wrapped in the most beautiful of selfless wrappers. you’ve perfected your craft into art almost, it is enchanting, it is admirable, it is pitiable, it inspires awe. with great intention, it transforms your worldly appearance into a form so wildly different than your truth that no one would ever believe it. not even yourself.

but still, for a moment, i saw you. the real you. granted, it was only a glimpse, you wouldn’t ever let me actually see the whole you, but none the less, i saw you.

and the you i saw didn’t scare me. you didn’t worry me. you didn’t upset me or sadden me or make me feel anything but love for you. and yet, even though it was the only thing i wanted, the only thing i needed from you, you couldn’t allow that.

i tried to tell you in my own way. i’m not infallible in this, i could have done so much better, but i used the tools and judgement i had at my disposal. i know it wasn’t enough to make you understand. i know i wasn’t enough to make you want to change even if you did understand.

this was always supposed to be a fantasy for you, wasn’t it? this was never supposed to bleed into the real world. fantasy is safe, fantasy has no accountability, fantasy has no compromise. fantasy has no real vulnerability. but… i can never find happiness in the fantasy. of all places, you know that is the one place i cannot live. you know how my mind works, you know the games i play with my own thoughts, you learned about limerence from me, remember? forcing this to exist in the make believe kept me broken, confused, scared.

for you, the fantasy was safe, and reality was not. for me, the opposite is true.

you should have listened to me from the start. i was not the one for you, i never was. too many red flags. too many complications. don’t you dare say you were not scared or that you wanted to find solutions to those road blocks, that is a lie, and we both know it.

i should have listened to you when you retreated the first time and i should have left it alone, i should have known i would only bring you hurt. but i am selfish too.

i’m sorry.

you should know, not a day goes by that i don’t think of you. you’re still the first person i think of when i wake up, and the last i think of before i fall asleep. i love you and i think i have from the moment we met, and i suspect i always will. but none of that matters any more.

i never imagined ours to be a tragedy, this story was not supposed to end like this.

–

have a very good night, and a very sleep tight. i hope you have beautiful dreams, even if you don’t remember them.

control

it was always about control, wasn’t it? i think that’s the way you are broken most of all. you need that control all the time. not in a way that’s like “i need to feel happy, i need to feel safe” but in a much darker and more destructive way. you need to have control, it is involuntary and you will sabotage and destroy everything around you in order to ensure you, and only you, can dictate the terms of engagement. and you don’t even realize it. do you?

you were never going to choose me. this distance, this obstacle, this impossible to resolve situation, it’s perfect for you, isn’t it? you have a barrier, a control mechanism. you can hide behind it and retreat whenever you want, whenever it gets too real. you were only ever going to peek around the edges, never crossing the line. i see that now… and it makes me sad.

the fact that this is how the story ends is tragic. i don’t want to accept it, but i think i have to. the alternative is to chase after you and surrender everything to you once more. the problem is, i’m worth more than that. i deserve more than that. i need more than that. and you’ve made it abundantly clear, you will not be providing me with any of that.

so, i am truly sorry,, but this is it. the end of the road. terminus, tout le monde debarque.

goodbye a.

start again, part 2

i told a i wanted to see her again. she got upset. to her, seeing each other would lead to vulnerability, would lead to us getting closer, would lead to her having to choose whether or not she wanted to change her life, for me… for us.

she couldn’t bring herself to even entertain that idea, other than in a joking way. but for me, this was crucial. this was critical. this was not an option.

remaining in this fantasy world connected only via a screen is not enough. i could do it for a while, sure, but there has to be some element outside of that. there has to be the promise of more.

so i kept pushing. i kept suggesting. i kept dropping obvious hints. until finally, i asked if i was being too much, if i should just cool it and back off. the answer i got was a huge slap in the face.

“do what you want, i’m going to bed”

after the fact she said she didn’t mean it like that, but in the moment, how do you think i took it? that fucking comment snapped my fucking reality into crystal clarity. as much as i love her, she was never going to be the one because she doesn’t want to be. i can’t be with someone who i need to convince to want to be with me. that’s only going to lead to resentment.

so after a week of thinking about it, and honestly, not handling it well… i told her i couldn’t do this any more and just wanted to revert back to being just friends.

that… did not go well.

right away she deleted any picture or sound clip ever sent to me… so whatever was built over the last year, immediately decimated. and then she started scrolling back through things i said previously and shoved them in my face to make me feel bad.

i stuck to it, wanting to be friends still despite the obvious attempt at hurting me back and reclaiming control of the situation, and tried to remain calm. i asked to take a few so we could cool off. so then a couple days later, when i re-iterated that i cared and wanted to be friends still… she used my words against me once more and said this was not fixable and she didn’t want to be my friend.

i’m not going to fight it. all that will happen is more hurt. so i’ll be the bad guy again and let her feel like she won. maybe that will be easier for her.

start again, part 1

so much has happened, i don’t even know where to start. one thing i do know however is that i have to start again. not being able to write for this last month has been exceptionally difficult for me. i feel it building up inside me… pressure.

i stopped writing because this place no longer felt safe. someone who was never supposed to see this place, found it, and started reading through it.

before you say anything, i know, i know, what did i expect, this is published on the internet… that said, i have done my best to make sure everything in anonymized, i do not have my name, or anyone else’s name present anywhere, i don’t talk about specific events or things or even locations which could be even loosely correlated back to me or anyone i know… so despite this being public on the internet, the probability of someone i know stumbling across it is pretty much zero… unless they have some kind of access to my internet browsing history and can see what URLs i visit… and then look into them themselves. which is kinda what happened. gross.

hopefully, by changing the URL, changing the devices i use to access this place, and waiting a month with everything dormant and locked behind a maintenance window, this will have passed.

i’ll be keeping a close eye on the server logs anyways. if you’re here, and you know you are not supposed to be… can you please consider maybe just… you know… fucking off? this place is important to me.

notice to those who know me

what i write here is just what is going on in my head at any given moment. it is neither fiction nor fact. it is just thoughts. sometimes i might say things that are scary. sometimes i may say things which are troubling. sometimes i may say things which are unhinged or unfounded or just straight up wacky. but sometimes i say things which are also filled with love and hope and cheer.

take it all with a grain of salt ok?

that said, i am considering anonymizing this place once more. it feel safer when i know it’s only strangers reading my nonsense.

back on the horse

i haven’t been sleeping well. i haven’t been feeling well actually. i need to write more. i have started writing posts here over and over and just never completed them, never published them. i don’t know why i do that. i really should just publish. if for no other reason than to hold myself accountable to my own thoughts lest they twist and turn and morph and fester in my head turning into something far worse than they ever were intended to be.

i need to do this, even if it is not easy. even if i don’t feel like it. even if other things pop up, i need to make this a priority.

i cancelled my therapy today. ever since switching from weekly meetings to monthly, it feels disconnected. it feels like just catching up on the surface and then that’s it. it’s not helpful any more. switching back to weekly is just too expensive. so that’s that. i’m not sure how i feel about it. it’s not a good feeling.

—

last night i had a long chat with a. it was not a chat i was really prepared to have last night, but i think that it was ultimately necessary. no conclusions were declared, but i think that deep down we both know what is happening. i can tell she is trying to bring me along a certain path so that she doesn’t need to say the things she doesn’t want to say. i don’t blame her.

i’m sad. i’m disappointed. i had hoped that this would be something it is not turning out to be, but i guess that’s just how it is.

do i continue to hold on to hope? i want to… but it’s selfish.

—

last week work things went completely off the rails. i thought i was in a good position, however, it turns out i was not. and the level of condescension, underhandedness and outright betrayal that yielded this result is just unfathomable.

imagine you are responsible for a basket of fruit. your charge is to make sure the basket if always full of fresh fruit. easy, right?

okay, now imagine you are not permitted to purchase more than 1 piece of fruit a day, and even then you need approval from 3 other people before you can spend the money, and it often takes days, if not weeks to get the approval. also, you cannot place multiple orders at once.

now imagine there are 10 people who are all permitted to take fruit from the basket on their own, without needing to so much as notify anyone. they can use whatever method they want to collect fruit, they can use their hands, they can use a shovel, they can use a tractor or a golf club or a machine gun. no rules apply. you cannot impose anything on these people.

remember, YOU are responsible for the fruit basket. YOU have to make sure it is always well organized and filled with the freshest of fruits. so obviously you have to make it known that your ability to ensure an immaculate basket of fruit is not possible under these conditions. everyone understands, agrees and accepts that the basket will be a disaster.

so, imagine your surprise when years later, this is now completely unacceptable, no one has any recollection of any previous events, and all they see is a ruined fruit basket with your name on it.

you have failed, and you should be ashamed. you have let everyone down. you had one job, make sure the fruit basket was full, fresh and plentiful and you couldn’t even do that.

so, you need to now admit your mistake and commit to making it right. you can swallow your pride and forget your excuses or explanations, the only way forward is to assume “ownership” of the fruit basket.

upon doing so, you get told this will be good for you. it’s a turning point in your personal and professional growth. if we’re going to achieve great things, we need to own up to our mistakes.

barf

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