i’ve not written anything in a while… having this page discovered and then read by an unintended audience has soured everything.
i don’t want to shirk any accountability for my own words and actions, but having this place sullied and ripped away from me left a vacuum. it removed a much needed pressure relief valve for me. it stole my only outlet for my more intrusive thoughts and left them trapped in my head.
the end result is that i have hurt people i care so much about, not intentionally, but because i didn’t, and if i am honest, still don’t know how to deal with these feelings and emotions.
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i am trying to come to terms with being alone. like really alone. up until very recently i had someone i could reach out to all the time, about pretty much anything. and now… through my poor choices and inability to self regulate i have alienated everyone.
that realization is depressing, and scary and also upsetting, but for other reasons than what you might anticipate. i made mistakes, sure. i said things i shouldn’t have. i pushed people away that didn’t deserve it. but i also apologized, and tried to make amends, and learned lessons, grew and changed from it.
but it didn’t matter. or it wasn’t enough.
maybe i am just not enough.
maybe my worth really is only what i can provide.
maybe all i deserve is to be alone.
maybe that’s better for everyone.