Author: xen6

control

it was always about control, wasn’t it? i think that’s the way you are broken most of all. you need that control all the time. not in a way that’s like “i need to feel happy, i need to feel safe” but in a much darker and more destructive way. you need to have control, it is involuntary and you will sabotage and destroy everything around you in order to ensure you, and only you, can dictate the terms of engagement. and you don’t even realize it. do you?

you were never going to choose me. this distance, this obstacle, this impossible to resolve situation, it’s perfect for you, isn’t it? you have a barrier, a control mechanism. you can hide behind it and retreat whenever you want, whenever it gets too real. you were only ever going to peek around the edges, never crossing the line. i see that now… and it makes me sad.

the fact that this is how the story ends is tragic. i don’t want to accept it, but i think i have to. the alternative is to chase after you and surrender everything to you once more. the problem is, i’m worth more than that. i deserve more than that. i need more than that. and you’ve made it abundantly clear, you will not be providing me with any of that.

so, i am truly sorry,, but this is it. the end of the road. terminus, tout le monde debarque.

goodbye a.

compatibility

it’s funny how your brain decides to rewire itself and change the narrative once you’ve passed specific milestones or turning points. the things which you knew to your core suddenly become less firm… and other things which you were aware of, but chose to disregard due to their irrelevance, somehow become key.

is it a coping mechanism to help you deal with grief, with trauma, with disappointment, with shame, with embarrassment? the facts have not changed, the events which transpired have not changed, the feelings felt and the emotions expressed never changed either… but the perception of all of these things shift to better allow you to accept whatever mistakes or missteps were taken and to allow you to move forward.

“hindsight is 20/20” they say. odd curse that one is. you only see your mistakes after you have made them. sometimes you may be able to work through it, sometimes you can correct things, but sometimes… sometimes mistakes end things. and when that happens, you start recognizing the other mistakes which led to that final blow. it’s never just one thing. there’s always more, a series of missteps which you ignored and which led you to that final coup de grace.

so… what have we learned today, class?

i think i have underestimated both the definition, scope and breadth of compatibility as well as the importance. i was so laser focused on certain elements that i failed to consider the other aspects. and those other aspects… in hindsight… are more important than i could ever have imagined.

i’m worried, because i have a taste of something nice right now, and i am desperately trying to apply my learned lessons. i don’t want to make the same mistakes again.

what am i missing? what am i disregarding as irrelevant this time?

start again, part 3

i’ve recently met someone interesting… i’m hesitant to write anything because i don’t know for sure how i feel yet, and i don’t want to jinx anything. suffice it to say, i am very much encouraged, and happy about it… but i have felt that way before and it has ended poorly, leaving me feeling like a bit of an idiot. so, lets slow the fuck down this time, right? right.

some observations… talking is easy. sure there are nerves at first, but other than that, we’re on the same, or at least very similar wavelengths. kind of surprisingly and unexpectedly so. also, physical compatibility is very high. like… higher than i can remember with just about anyone. goals and ambitions are also very oddly compatible, wait, no, not compatible, complementary and aligned is more appropriate. i’d be lying if i said i didn’t have high hopes.

this is the first one i have told j about, knowing full well it will get back to k, which will lead to k. soooo… that’s saying something, right? right.

i’m excited to see her again, we have plans on sunday evening.

start again, part 2

i told a i wanted to see her again. she got upset. to her, seeing each other would lead to vulnerability, would lead to us getting closer, would lead to her having to choose whether or not she wanted to change her life, for me… for us.

she couldn’t bring herself to even entertain that idea, other than in a joking way. but for me, this was crucial. this was critical. this was not an option.

remaining in this fantasy world connected only via a screen is not enough. i could do it for a while, sure, but there has to be some element outside of that. there has to be the promise of more.

so i kept pushing. i kept suggesting. i kept dropping obvious hints. until finally, i asked if i was being too much, if i should just cool it and back off. the answer i got was a huge slap in the face.

“do what you want, i’m going to bed”

after the fact she said she didn’t mean it like that, but in the moment, how do you think i took it? that fucking comment snapped my fucking reality into crystal clarity. as much as i love her, she was never going to be the one because she doesn’t want to be. i can’t be with someone who i need to convince to want to be with me. that’s only going to lead to resentment.

so after a week of thinking about it, and honestly, not handling it well… i told her i couldn’t do this any more and just wanted to revert back to being just friends.

that… did not go well.

right away she deleted any picture or sound clip ever sent to me… so whatever was built over the last year, immediately decimated. and then she started scrolling back through things i said previously and shoved them in my face to make me feel bad.

i stuck to it, wanting to be friends still despite the obvious attempt at hurting me back and reclaiming control of the situation, and tried to remain calm. i asked to take a few so we could cool off. so then a couple days later, when i re-iterated that i cared and wanted to be friends still… she used my words against me once more and said this was not fixable and she didn’t want to be my friend.

i’m not going to fight it. all that will happen is more hurt. so i’ll be the bad guy again and let her feel like she won. maybe that will be easier for her.

start again, part 1

so much has happened, i don’t even know where to start. one thing i do know however is that i have to start again. not being able to write for this last month has been exceptionally difficult for me. i feel it building up inside me… pressure.

i stopped writing because this place no longer felt safe. someone who was never supposed to see this place, found it, and started reading through it.

before you say anything, i know, i know, what did i expect, this is published on the internet… that said, i have done my best to make sure everything in anonymized, i do not have my name, or anyone else’s name present anywhere, i don’t talk about specific events or things or even locations which could be even loosely correlated back to me or anyone i know… so despite this being public on the internet, the probability of someone i know stumbling across it is pretty much zero… unless they have some kind of access to my internet browsing history and can see what URLs i visit… and then look into them themselves. which is kinda what happened. gross.

hopefully, by changing the URL, changing the devices i use to access this place, and waiting a month with everything dormant and locked behind a maintenance window, this will have passed.

i’ll be keeping a close eye on the server logs anyways. if you’re here, and you know you are not supposed to be… can you please consider maybe just… you know… fucking off? this place is important to me.

is it smart?

is it smart to plan a visit when there’s no solid plan for the future? no mapped out solution, no clear way this could ever actually work long term? probably not. probably the logical move is to pull back, step away, let go before things get too tangled. save ourselves the pain of the eventual unraveling. find someone nearby. someone with fewer complications. someone who doesn’t require airports and calendars and aching goodbyes.

but love doesn’t care about logic. it never has. and what we have doesn’t live in that clean, rational space. it lives somewhere else. the late night texts ending with sweet little gifs to show how we feel, the longing i believe both of us struggle with constantly, the ridiculous grins when a message lands at just the right time. it lives in the quiet belief that maybe, just maybe, something rare is worth holding onto even if it doesn’t fit into the shape of our lives right now.

not seeing each other doesn’t fix anything. it doesn’t protect us. it just slowly drains the life out of something beautiful. the distance starts to win. we stop building. we stop growing. and what’s left is a version of us frozen in memory instead of something alive and changing.

every visit matters. every time we can see each other matters and will stitch us closer together, not just with affection but with understanding. seeing each other again won’t magically solve anything, but it pulls us back into the same orbit. it reminds us of the reasons we even bother trying. and i think it’s only from that place, where we’re connected and present and feeling all of it, that we’ll actually be able to figure out the next steps. the long term plan.

long distance asks for more than most people are willing to give. it asks for trust that feels impossible. for effort that never stops. for hope that stretches across vast distances. it asks for sacrifice. and some days, it feels too heavy. but some days, like today, it feels like something sacred.

so no, it’s probably not the smart move. but it feels like the right one. and maybe that’s what matters most? it feels like it does to me.

notice to those who know me

what i write here is just what is going on in my head at any given moment. it is neither fiction nor fact. it is just thoughts. sometimes i might say things that are scary. sometimes i may say things which are troubling. sometimes i may say things which are unhinged or unfounded or just straight up wacky. but sometimes i say things which are also filled with love and hope and cheer.

take it all with a grain of salt ok?

that said, i am considering anonymizing this place once more. it feel safer when i know it’s only strangers reading my nonsense.

back on the horse

i haven’t been sleeping well. i haven’t been feeling well actually. i need to write more. i have started writing posts here over and over and just never completed them, never published them. i don’t know why i do that. i really should just publish. if for no other reason than to hold myself accountable to my own thoughts lest they twist and turn and morph and fester in my head turning into something far worse than they ever were intended to be.

i need to do this, even if it is not easy. even if i don’t feel like it. even if other things pop up, i need to make this a priority.

i cancelled my therapy today. ever since switching from weekly meetings to monthly, it feels disconnected. it feels like just catching up on the surface and then that’s it. it’s not helpful any more. switching back to weekly is just too expensive. so that’s that. i’m not sure how i feel about it. it’s not a good feeling.

—

last night i had a long chat with a. it was not a chat i was really prepared to have last night, but i think that it was ultimately necessary. no conclusions were declared, but i think that deep down we both know what is happening. i can tell she is trying to bring me along a certain path so that she doesn’t need to say the things she doesn’t want to say. i don’t blame her.

i’m sad. i’m disappointed. i had hoped that this would be something it is not turning out to be, but i guess that’s just how it is.

do i continue to hold on to hope? i want to… but it’s selfish.

—

last week work things went completely off the rails. i thought i was in a good position, however, it turns out i was not. and the level of condescension, underhandedness and outright betrayal that yielded this result is just unfathomable.

imagine you are responsible for a basket of fruit. your charge is to make sure the basket if always full of fresh fruit. easy, right?

okay, now imagine you are not permitted to purchase more than 1 piece of fruit a day, and even then you need approval from 3 other people before you can spend the money, and it often takes days, if not weeks to get the approval. also, you cannot place multiple orders at once.

now imagine there are 10 people who are all permitted to take fruit from the basket on their own, without needing to so much as notify anyone. they can use whatever method they want to collect fruit, they can use their hands, they can use a shovel, they can use a tractor or a golf club or a machine gun. no rules apply. you cannot impose anything on these people.

remember, YOU are responsible for the fruit basket. YOU have to make sure it is always well organized and filled with the freshest of fruits. so obviously you have to make it known that your ability to ensure an immaculate basket of fruit is not possible under these conditions. everyone understands, agrees and accepts that the basket will be a disaster.

so, imagine your surprise when years later, this is now completely unacceptable, no one has any recollection of any previous events, and all they see is a ruined fruit basket with your name on it.

you have failed, and you should be ashamed. you have let everyone down. you had one job, make sure the fruit basket was full, fresh and plentiful and you couldn’t even do that.

so, you need to now admit your mistake and commit to making it right. you can swallow your pride and forget your excuses or explanations, the only way forward is to assume “ownership” of the fruit basket.

upon doing so, you get told this will be good for you. it’s a turning point in your personal and professional growth. if we’re going to achieve great things, we need to own up to our mistakes.

barf

—

your court now.

you just left… and i already miss you.

i’m not sure what to think. i know why you’re hesitant. i know why you’re doubtful. i know every single reason why you feel the way you do… and you’re not wrong, honestly.

but the hopeless romantic in me believes it all to be hogwash.

real connection, real love, that can overcome all obstacles, right?

i know we don’t have a solution to this problem of ours. and i know it doesn’t seem like there is one right now. i know that. i’m not completely delusional.

but… we also don’t know what we don’t know. which means there is possibly a solution, we just don’t know what it is currently… right?

i can’t, not even for a second, believe that there is no solution here. i think we just don’t know what it is. this exists for a reason. there are too many “coincidences”, too many things which line up, too many things which fit perfectly… leaving it without so much as a CHANCE at a happy ending would be some seriously cruel and unusual shit.

so, yes. i want to try and figure this out. yes, i want to take that chance. yes, i think it is absolutely worthwhile.

but only if you do too… because i can’t do it by myself.