this weekend i had m and b over here at the house for a pool party and outside fire.
it was a pretty big deal for me, and for my kids too. i know i put in a lot of effort, i did my best to make sure everything was in great shape for the day, the pool, the yard, the house, the snacks…. all of it! i also made sure to drop enough hints to the kids so they also knew how important this was.
pretty much the entire day went really well! everyone had fun in the pool, the girls baked a cake together, the boys and i played basketball and chatted… after a busy day i started a fire in the firpit and brought out all the stuff for smores while the boys played in the pool again and the girls played with a garden snake they found!
all in all, it was pretty great!
but then things suddenly turned, and i don’t really know why.
b decided he was bored and said so, loudly. m did not like that and told him so. b then did what little boys do and goofed around and pushed back in silly ways like “accidentally” splashing some water around from his plastic cup and otherwise being rebellious in harmless ways.
i am very much of the mind to NOT interact and legitimize that kind of thing and instead continue on like nothing happened. when you teach a kid their outbursts do not yeild attention, they become less incentivized to do so.
i don’t think m looks at it that way. instead i think she sees these things as a cry for help that require immediate attention, maybe as a result of her childhood?
in any case, i didn’t think any of this was a big deal until everyone left me alone at the fire. i ended up heading inside at one point and met up with m who was on the verge of tears, i guess because her a b were alone… but by her own doing it seems? she asked to not be alone with b, so of course i jumped into action and joined them for a game of basketball and then l eventually joined us as well.
i guess i still hadn’t clocked that were was a bigger problem here until later when the kids went to go play some video games and m started talking to me more. i had a lot of trouble following her, i think she made up a bunch of things in her head to fill in blanks which were not true at all.
she focused a lot on how b was out of his comfort zone and questioned whether any of us made the effort to comfort him or make him feel included or special (which we very much did)… and then questioned if i had considered checking on the kids myself and making sure mine were doing whatever they could to accomodate b… which, to be honest, is kinda shit because they are KIDS and you cannot have that expectation of them… but none the less i know that at least l was very much on that wavelength and was making efforts.
then it turned and twisted into something i don’t really understand. there was a bit of a panic attack and then a suggestion of drowning the problem with alcohol…
suffice it to say, the night ended on arguably the worst note possible between m and i and i did everything i could to salvage. in return i got some self deprecating remarks about how i deserve better and i don’t owe her anything and i am not obligated to continue “this”… all of which i disregarded in the moment in an effort to at the very least allow everyone to get some sleep as i did fear that much of this was fuelled by sleep depravation.
i need to bring this up again to her and get to the bottom of it, because this cannot happen again. not like this.
i am worried she gave up a little bit, that maybe i am fighting for this a bit more than she is. or at least that i am fighting for a positive outcome anyways…