Author: xen6

what is this

i’m feeling kind of anxious today. not sure about what, but it doesn’t feel good. nothing bad has happened, there are no signs of anything bad about to happen, no one has said anything weird or suspicious, yet my spidey senses are on overdrive.

my legs are shaking a mile a minute, my concentration is completely shot, my stomach feels like it is turning over itself, what the hell is going on?

i need to calm myself down somehow, but i don’t really know what will work. for real, the only thing that comes to mind is eating cookies or something… which is strange as fuck, because i can’t even remember the last time i ate a cookie. so why am i craving cookies for comfort right now?

i’m racking my brain to try figure out where this feeling is coming from, but i’m coming up empty… and this focus, or whatever focus i can actually muster, is also making the feeling on anxiety even more intense. if anything, i should be hopeful, exited even… but not this, this feeling of impending doom right around the corner.

like an onion?

this inverse insomnia shit is getting really old now. being up this early has no advantages really, my brain has not started really functioning yet, my body is still asleep… so i just zone out. not thinking, not moving, just awake. at least when i had sleeping issues on the other end of a good night’s sleep and i was just staying up late, then i could DO something. it may not have always been the best thing to do, it always involved a lot of over thinking and usually a healthy dose of alcohol… but still at least there was something going on. i would play guitar, i would write here, i would read, i would work on things i needed to get done…

anyhow, this is just my reality at the moment it seems. perhaps in the coming months this will change.

i still wonder sometimes if i am making a huge mistake. i wonder if maybe i should just take everything back and live with my sadness, my disappointment, my frustration and feelings of dissatisfaction? would it be easier? it would be less effort. i mean, i probably could spend the rest of my life in that state and just try to find little bits of happiness elsewhere… right? like, lots of people must do that, right?

when i think about this, the worst part is, i am not concerned about feeling like i will regret this or anything like that. i am concerned about the amount of effort that will be required to get there and then maintain this… how supremely fucked is that?

but once the dust has settled, i know i will be happier, even if i never find the love i am after. even if i never find my actual person. even if i spend the rest of my years on this planet alone… i will still be happier because i will not be lying, i will not be constantly worried about managing someone else’s feelings, i will not be compromising myself, my likes, my wants, my needs to appease another. i will not be putting myself second.

it’s going to be interesting coming back to posts like this in the coming months, or even years. fuck i have really peeled back so many damn layers in the last several months. if you would have asked me last year at this time if i could ever imagine myself being in this situation, i would have laughed so hard. but deep down i would have been asking myself “holy shit… i can do that? that is an option for me???”.

wearing thin

a little while ago i made a post on reddit talking about something i was struggling with that got a few responses. one in particular came in the form of a dm from someone who just wanted to wish me well. within one or two responses it was made clear that this person was also dealing with a very similar situation and also needed someone to talk to.

they said that they felt all of their friends and family were starting to get sick of hearing about the same thing over and over. which, at the time, i thought was silly. that’s what friends and family are for, right?

fast forward a few weeks and now i am starting to understand a little bit more about a lot of this.

first, nothing about this is fast. nothing about this is easy. nothing about this is simple. this is not a typical problem. this is an all encompassing and life changing event, but only for those directly involved. those not directly involved cannot even fathom the intricacies.

second, friends and families do care, but because they are incapable of understanding, it can be frustrating to hear what is exactly the same complaints to their ears, over and over. but it’s not the same complaints over and over though. there are subtle differences that are wildly important and, at least to the people directly involved, require detailed scrutiny, grief and even mourning.

third, flip flopping, circling, whatever you want to call it, happens almost constantly. and it’s not a simple orbit either. imagine a dozen or so orbits, all different from each other, and all interacting with each other as well. effectively a three body problem, but with emotions. it’s legitimately insane. from one day to the next, hell from one hour to the next, your entire outlook on life itself changes. and not a little bit, i’m talking dramatically changes. one moment you can be hopeful for the future and making all kinds of plans for things you want to do, or experience or whatever, and then literal moments later, you’re researching the laws regarding how long you need to wait between when you get a firearm license and when you can purchase one. it’s fucked.

so, all of this combined and the end result is an impossible strain on the personal relationships you have with other people, right in the middle of when you are straining, or realistically severing the most important relationship in your life up until then. makes for a bit of a feedback loop, doesn’t it?

today i feel like i have strained a few personal relationships to an unacceptable point. there’s a few people who i feel are getting sick of hearing from me about the same shit over and over. to my face they say they want to know, they want to help, they want to listen… and i don’t doubt their sincerity. but i don’t think they can even really understand any of this and it’s all just wearing everything a little too thin now.

although a lesson i have learned recently is to not internalize everything, i may have perhaps taken that a bit too far and need to reel things back in a bit. i need to keep some things to myself, inside. at least for a while.

forget it.

i feel a little broken today. things are not going how i had hoped they would.

how could you say that to me? how did you think i would react? what did you expect would come of that? nothing good for sure. so why?

i’m fucking trying to keep things together, but it’s not easy. i am fucking trying to spare everyone’s feelings as much as possible at the expense of my own. i’m fucking trying to be clear, concise and consistent with everything i say and do to make things easier for you.

and yes, the irony of me saying this whilst also being in the very center of a most selfish act on my part is palpable. i get that.

i wish you could see. i wish you could understand. i wish you could appreciate, even if only slightly, the effort that i am putting towards this none the less.

have i mistaken you for someone you are not? have i totally misunderstood your previous words? have i completely miscalculated everything?

perhaps i do need to be more selfish? perhaps i do need to put me first? why should i put so much thought and consideration into how you feel when the reciprocity is not quite there?

or maybe today is just a bad fucking day and i am overthinking everything.

self censoring?

sometimes the biggest difficulty i have when writing here is deciding on what i want to write about. at any given time i have like a thousand different competing ideas in my head and even though you might think that makes it easy to just write about anything, it actually makes it nearly impossible because as soon as i start writing about any one specific thing, there are 999 other ideas which are telling me “no… that’s not what you should be writing about, is it?”

and so i have about a million drafts here in wordpress, some of which are pages long, and others are just a word… and none of them will ever see the light of day because they’ve been internally veto’ed. i’m not sure how i feel about that.

even now, writing about this, this stupid thought about having stupid competing thoughts which stupidly prevent me from writing… how is this the winner? is this really what’s most important? i guess if i think about it, the reason why this is going to be written out and published is because it’s easy. it’s the writing equivalent of phoning it in. there’s no deep thought, there’s no vulnerable admission, there’s no controversial opinion or great revelation… it’s just fluff.

except admitting that i know this is bullshit, and still publishing it kind of makes it transcend from being pointless drivel to actually admitting something about myself in a way, doesn’t it?

dad

i know you mean well, but you have to understand that this is not an easy thing to talk about. it’s not an easy thing to relive over and over and over. we don’t have that type of relationship where i fully trust you with my most intimate thoughts and feelings. not because i don’t love you, but because that’s just not who we have ever been to each other.

i am already trying my hardest not to cause unnecessary pain to her and the kids. i need to censor myself, i need to stuff away certain thoughts and feelings. i need to be careful and considerate for their sake. it is taking most of my emotional energy to do that. so when you try to insert yourself into a position you have never occupied before, it doesn’t quite work. and honestly, it’s not really welcomed either.

i told you that i am ok, and that i can manage, and that i don’t need anything right now. can you accept that? do i need to make up a false need that you can satisfy in order for you to feel ok about this? or can you just take my word for it that i am ok?

may i am not that much of a disappointment after all?

i told my parents last night. i don’t know what i was expecting, but i was dreading this conversation so much. i was afraid of how they would react. i was afraid they would be disappointed in me specifically. i was afraid they would want to get involved and try to “fix” things.

my parents’ desire to help, to get involved and insert themselves into situations is well known and well observed, but it’s always done from a place of caring, from a place of genuinely wanting to help. though sometimes, for some people, it is not seen that way and is instead seen as meddling.

anyhow, the conversation went very differently than i was expecting. they were sad of course, but i explained what was going on, and the basic logistical facts. and then i told them that this is was ok, that i go this. i told them i was not a “victim” here and i want this. that seemed to satisfy any questions they may have had.

the visit was ended with them simply offering whatever help i needed, i just need to ask.

exhausting

today was spent visiting potential houses that k could purchase. she asked me to go with her as support and another set of eyes. i agreed, but didn’t really think it would be this taxing to be honest. i am burnt out, worn down, exhausted in just about every way.

this morning k was following me from room to room, just making excuses to be there. i go to the living room, she follows and sits on the couch to read. i go to the kitchen to make myself food, she follows and start putting away dishes. i go to the bed room, she follows and starts puttering around with some laundry. i didn’t want to snap at her, so i said nothing, but it was already getting me a little frustrated.

around noon it was time to go visit houses. so now we were together in the same car, and then together going through houses, and then together talking about what was good, what was bad, etc.

all of this proximity has caused certain annoyances that i previously ignored or disregarded to bubble to the surface of my consciousness once more. whether it be how she drives inattentively with atrocious throttle control, the music she listens to which is simultaneously generic and depressing, the expressions she uses which are either cringe or just nonsense, or any number of otherwise insignificant details all now feel like insurmountable and unignorable irritants.

after all of the house visits were done, k then wanted to go visit j&k and tell them what was going on. i really was not up to it but just went along with it anyways. it was awkward. whatever. it’s done now.

i must remain strong. this is a temporary discomfort which will lead to a greater happiness in the future. picking a fight over this won’t help anything. it will just make things worse. so bite your tongue, smile and nod, choose your words wisely.

forward

things are slowly starting to get better. it’s the initial impact that seems to be the worst part every single time, the initial reaction. then once absorbed and processed slightly, it dulls a bit, becomes much less sharp.

between k and i things are slowly starting to return back to “normal” in the sense that we’re slowly returning back to the same way we’ve been for YEARS now, but without the denial around the disfunction. which is actually what i think we both need to move forward. we have a very close group of friends to break the news to, ideally together, starting with e&c later today, though their daughter already spilled the beans, so we’ll see how that goes. i’m also going to go with k to some open houses to be helpful and supportive. the housing market is almost as bad as the car market has been for the past few years. things are all over the place. there are deals to be had, but there are scams and rip offs everywhere.

the kids’ initial reaction was devastating to me. i’ve never felt that kind of hurt before. i don’t ever want to do that again. the way it all went down, in hindsight, was kind of stacked against me from the start. i was the the one doing all the talking, i was the bad guy breaking the news, i was the one who immediately was assumed to be the perpetrator of this situation entirely… and mom was the good cop. she came in with the comfort after the damage was done. neither kid would talk to me until the next day. that really hurt.

with l, things are going a bit better now. we went for a nice walk yesterday and he’s still a little sad, but coming around to the realization that not much is going to change for him, other than he will have a second house.

z on the other hand… i don’t know. she was already so full of piss and vinegar that i can’t really tell how she feels about anything. at the very least, she’s no longer giving me the silent treatment, but she’s not really saying much. i’m going to keep trying.

agony

last night we told the kids. that was probably the hardest thing i have ever done. like the actual most difficult and most painful thing i can ever remember doing. i feel like i have destroyed part of my kids forever. the shock and horror and genuine pain and sadness in their faces was way too much for me to handle. so much so that i think a lot of it overflowed and wasn’t even processed.

sleep didn’t really work so well last night. i’ve been up since 2am. i can’t sleep. i am just replaying the look on their faces over and over and it’s killing me.

never in my life have i truly contemplated suicide. but let me tell you, last night, it preoccupied my mind a lot. would it be ultimately easier if i just disappeared? sure it might be sad for a time, but then that’s it. it would be done. over. everyone could move on… instead of this reality where i have every opportunity to hurt people i love more and keep doing it for years and years to come.

i’m not actually going to do anything like that, i am far too much of a coward. but it is a very tempting and upsettingly attractive fantasy.

i don’t really know how i am supposed to get through today.