Author: xen6

happy new year?

usually new years is a time for cocktails and appetizers. good music and good friends. a tradition i have tried to maintain for 15 or so years now. this year it was scuppered by the wives of my friend group. apparently because it “would be too much for steve, all things considered.”

uhhh wut?

anyhow, the plans were all discussed and decided upon without my involvement or input, whatever. fine. i don’t really care all that much, it’s just more the WAY this went down that bothers me. if i would have been involved in any capacity and someone asked or suggested doing something else, i would have had zero objections and would have offered to help.

so this year was at j&k’s place, and to be honest, i really did not have a great time.

j decided it would be a good idea to smoke pot, repeatedly, despite the fact that he is on antibiotics for a lung infection. lots of coughing and wheezing ensued along with disgustingly horking loogies all over the fucking place. gross. but apparently it’s ok because he hasn’t smoked a cig in 2 days (this infection has gone on for weeks now…). to make things even more “fun” he also decided it would be a great idea to “microdose” psylocibin mushrooms. except his definition of microdosing is fucking wack. j, m and e all gobbled up at least 1g of of mushrooms each, probably more, i was not partaking nor paying close attention.

this, along with copious amounts of whiskey and beer caused j to transcend from ‘i love you man’ to ‘listen, i have important things to tell you while i put my fucking hands all over your face and just babble gibberish and then i will get mad at you because i make no sense and you are laughing at me, not with me.’

jesus christ. it was too much. i did not enjoy that at all. and the drunken condescension was REALLY something i could do without.

k and c also made it a big point to come see me and with pity in their eyes try to explain that they didn’t choose k over me in this split… they both felt the need to over explain and hug and i don’t even really know. like, i never thought anyone took any sides because there are no sides to take, there is no war. stop trying to make conflict where there is none. what the hell guys?

there were some highlights though. all the kids seemed to have a great time. z, c and s especially had a blast singing karaoke. they sang so many songs that i would never in a million years guessed they would know. rock and alternative hits from the 90’s and 00’s! it was really cute watching and listening to them.

when the ball finally dropped was i think the low point for me though. everyone offering up drunken smooches, and then k and i exchanging uncomfortable glances. eugh. anyhow, we made it through, and i really wanted to call a to wish her a happy new year as well, but that’s when j decided to corner me and start telling me how i didn’t understand the reasons why he wanted to play music, even though i understood perfectly well. by the time i could appease his diatribe it was already way too late and i missed my opportunity. thanks.

i feel like i need to retreat and isolate myself from my friends, but not because i am depressed or something, but because they are acting fucking weird and i don’t have the patience for it.

my family is doing the same thing…

just be normal guys.

anyhow. dry january. who is with me?

last day of the year, lets review…

lots of changes this year…

  • i set a goal to lose some weight. at the time, i weight 267 lbs. my goal was 225 by end of year. last week i got to 227, but with christmas feasts, apple pies and other sweets, as of this morning i am 232. if i am grading with a pass/fail scheme, then this is unfortunately a FAIL.
  • i resolved myself to kick nicotine entirely. i had been waning myself for years, cigs have been gone for a long time, but things like vapes were still around. i wanted that shit gone. this is serious. and i am happy to say, i have been completely nicotine free for several months. no turning back! this is way more difficult than i had anticipated… in the process i learned a lot about myself actually, and i learned to trust myself a lot less than one might expect, more on that some other time. PASS
  • i decided to be more active. i started walking every single day, and when it got too cold for that, i bought a rowing machine and have been doing that every single day. it’s hard work and sometimes i am REALLY not motivated, but i do it anyways and will continue to do so because it is important and makes me feel better. PASS
  • i needed to talk to someone, therapy seems to be popular answer to this. so i tried it, despite my skepticism. to be honest, i am still not convinced. but i have stuck with it for several months now and i am not going to give up on it just yet. i guess it can be helpful in some ways…. anyhow, PASS.
  • i wanted new friends. friends which were not connected to my current circle. i re-established a connection with k8, which at first felt very successful, though recently has felt a little less so. i hope it is just a temporary lull. i also sought out and made 3 new friends through reddit. c, you called me your bestie yesterday. i liked that and i think we could really become that. j, you were unexpected, we were on parallel tracks until your train fell completely off the rails. i wasn’t sure how that was going to work, but so far so good. i am happy we met! and then last but not least, a. holy shit, a, you have really captured my heart and my mind. i don’t remember the last time i felt a connection with someone like i have with you. you have become so special and so important to me, no matter what the future holds, i want you to be part of it. PASS
  • i recognized earlier this year that i was miserable, and had been for a long while. there were several contributing factors to that (see above points) but there was one in particular which overshadowed everything. when it comes to love, as in romantic, passionate love, i have a giant, gaping hole in my chest. k and i simply were not good for each other like that. we’re good together in many other ways, but being roommates just isn’t enough. the built up resentment and frustration that has accumulated over the years has simply become insurmountable at this point and before things completely overflowed and go ugly, i made the decision that i would rather end things now and try to remain on good, amicable terms. this is still in progress, but it seems to be progressing well enough. i think it merits a passing grade for this year, but the real test will be next year. so for now, PASS.

get a grip

why is it i have so much difficulty just being happy with myself? i feel like i constantly need someone, anyone, to validate me. and then then i don’t have that, i feel sad, i feel worried, i feel panic even. argh!

it goes beyond that too, it’s not just validation. i need to feel like someone else wants me around, that they need me around. like my worth and my value is only quantified by someone else. i should be able to self sustain some feeling of personal worth and value, no? this can’t be how everyone else lives?

i need to figure this out.

patience.

continuing to be under the same roof, to live in the same space, to see each other and interact with each other every day, pretending this is normal is becoming more and more challenging.

it’s not normal, we’re not roommates, and we’re not lovers. we’re not friends, but we’re not enemies. we’re in this limbo state, this transitional phase, and we have to figure out where the lines are drawn. it is not quite so obvious.

for the sake of peace, i am still biting my tongue every single day. there are a few things in particular which are slowly eroding my good will and hopefully will not foster so much resentment that i end up lashing out and saying something i regret.

the first thing… you have been horrible person every single morning without fail for the last 18 years using the excuse that you are not a morning person, like somehow this excuses you from being even semi-decent to loved ones after you wake up. you have even enabled our daughter to do the same thing and given me grief for calling her out on that behavior as being unacceptable. yet now, in the last month, you have changed your tune. you smile, you say good morning, and you are acting like a regular human being. don’t get me wrong, this is definitely better… but holy shit, what happened to the nearly 2 decades of “not being a morning person”? this has been a pain point for me for so fucking long, bullshit i just had to live with, and now that i have called it quits, you change? is this genuine? is this change because you are happier now and i was causing this misery for you all along? or perhaps this change is because you realized it is not acceptable behavior? maybe something else?

next, stop following me around. if i am putting away the dishes, it is not the time to come and do something else in the kitchen. if i am enjoying my personal time watching a movie, there is not an open invitation to join me and start asking questions about what is going on. if i am relaxing, playing on my phone lying in bed, you don’t need to find some busy work to do in the same room all of a sudden. just stop. it isn’t cute, it isn’t wanted, you’re just making things awkward.

last, i can’t listen to you belly ache and stress over money any more. i don’t want to hear it. i have accepted to take on DRAMATICALLY more financial debt than you in order to facilitate things. i have paid you a significant mount of no strings attached money to clear out your debt. i have offered to let you have whatever you want from the house, in fact i have insisted that you take more than your fair share. i have paid for your first month of entertainment and groceries. i have taken over the mortgage and all of the bills on this house we both live in myself leaving you with no expenses right now at all! i have done all of this without complaining a single word. yet you are still siting there, making spreadsheets listing pages of things you “need” but rather, actually just want, along with their retail cost and then staring at the total dollar amount at the end in despair and loudly complaining about it to whoever will listen. you’re calculating unnecessary renovation costs for your new home and then questioning how you will ever be able to afford any of it. you’re even complaining to the KIDS that “mommy is broke and will not be able to afford anything, so forget about getting the things you get now.”… wtf… shut up. seriously.

christmas

this year, more than any i can remember, my usual excitement about christmas was definitely forced. there are simply too many things going on this year, too many important changes, too many secrets, too many hidden agendas, too many things missing and too many things just backwards. this seems to be applied universally across everything i know.

so being genuinely excited for christmas like i usually am seemed almost impossible. but, as the expression goes, fake it until you make it. and i made it. and many things did work out well. and ultimately i am thankful.

there are a couple very notable things however which i want to recognize.

k has found a house, made an offer, negotiated and signed contingent on an inspection. that is huge. everyone is on vacation until the 6th, however once the inspectors, banks and notaries are back at work, this could possibly go very quickly. the place is currently vacant, so there’s no delay waiting for that… it’s just a matter of signing paperwork. there is some work that needs to be done on the house, but it is largely cosmetic. i do worry a little that k will drag her feet on that and try to stay here as long as possible. which, within reason is fine, but already she was suggesting pushing notary until february and move in till march… just because. i don’t want to be an ass about it, but at the same time, keeping this pot on the stove longer than is necessary with cause the bottom to burn. and no one likes a burnt stew. in any case… progress!

the other thing i want to recognize, a, you are still a beautiful mystery to me and surprise me every single day. what you gave me for christmas goes beyond thoughtful. it goes beyond anything i have ever received from anyone before. when i told you i was speechless, i wasn’t lying or just turning a phrase, i literally have no words to describe what that meant to me, and even now, over 24 hours later, i still don’t even know what to say. you make me happy in a way i have been missing for so fucking long.

real

do you remember back in school when you had group projects to do? or even if you just had to pair up with one other person for an assignment? usually the first thing most people would do is divvy up the tasks amongst all of the group members. everyone was responsible for their own little part and then at the end you would combine it all into the finished project and submit it for grading.

do you remember the feeling you had when other people were making progress on their part and you hadn’t progressed quite enough yet? awful, right?

but… on the flip side, do you remember when you finished your assigned tasks before everyone else? the feeling of relief, of accomplishment, of satisfaction? you may still need to make corrections, you may still need to help other group members with their parts, you still need to submit the whole thing for grading… BUT… you did your part. there’s something so good about that feeling.

today i bought my stbxw out of our home, now legally my home.

i was worried about this day. i was worried about this step in particular. this is kind of a point of no return, at least financially. it kind of makes things very real. there are legal documents signed. there is a LOT of money that i had to pay out. there are a lot of things made crystal clear that we both had to discuss and agree upon like adults.

i was worried there would be tears. i was worried there would be second guessing. i was worried there would be pleading, or last minute amendments, or any number of uncomfortable scenarios…

but none of that happened, everything is done, and i kind of feel relieved. i kind of feel like i have now completed my part of this specific project and the majority of the remaining tasks are on someone else’s plate. i still obviously have a vested interest in making sure we get a passing grade, but if we do not, no one can say it was my fault. i did my part.

this wall hurts me.

so cleverly crafted, made to be ultimately defensible in so many ways. it’s pretty, it’s logical, its manufacture was clearly communicated, the specifications were submitted and not contested. yet… it bothers me, but the time for protest, i fear, has passed.

you retreat behind it more regularly now. i have no knowledge of what occurs beyond that delimiter. it is impenetrable to all senses. i only have knowledge of what you explicitly tell me, which is not very much. and even the bits you do tell me are vague and intentionally nondescript.

i have no such defenses. nor do i want to build any. it’s fundamentally incompatible with who i am and what i want. in the past, every time i have tried to do so, it resulted either in an arms race, or complete isolation despite having intimate proximity. any permutation of those outcomes are not anything i want to have anything to do with. however the outcome which leaves you behind an impenetrable fortress and me out in the open, is also undesirable.

can you let me in? can you build a doorway just for me? you can guard it, you can leave it locked when not in use, you can hide it and keep it a secret that only i know. but can you make that happen? i can’t bear being like this for much longer.

you’ve said this on more than one occasion, you + me vs the problem is non-negotiable. does this only apply in one direction? or perhaps you + me is not a valid equation any more? i don’t really know where i stand. i can only guess.

the thought crosses my mind regularly, should i just stop trying? you’ve explicitly asked me not to do that, but what am i supposed to do when i am given so little information to work with. talking to myself is what i do here, it’s not what i want to do with you. i want to talk to you and i want you to talk to me. i want you to want to talk to me, actually.

this wall hurts me.