Author: xen6

once again i am not permitted to react or have feelings of my own because you consume all the air in the room.

i suppose it was to be expected. there’s a reason why this all happened and that wasn’t going to change. i’m not sure what i had expected.

still, i hope, i wish for, i pray that we can at least find some kind of middle ground to make it through this to the other side without completely hating each other.

i am trying to help you, i know you don’t see it, because all you see right now is how i am hurting you, but if you take a moment and look at what i am doing, what i am saying, you’ll see that i have very much put aside any feelings or emotions or needs or wants that i have right now and i am working only on what you want, save one major exception.

how upside down is that?

and then when you actually use that against me and say things like you did last night before we both went to bed, how am i supposed to react?

it feels like you would actually rather that i start a fight with you. you would rather have me be an asshole, a jerk, a monster to you. i suppose that would make it easier, possibly for both of us, wouldn’t it? but you’re forgetting one thing, one very important thing. if we go to war with each other, the children get stuck in the cross fire. i’m not going to permit that. i am not going to go down that road.

so if that means i need to be on the receiving end of your snide, demeaning, mean or vindictive commentary, so be it. i’ve been able to survive long enough in that environment, i can continue to survive a bit longer.

empathy?

you know, i am beginning to suspect you don’t even realize when you say things which are hurtful. is it possible it just doesn’t register to you? i mean, even when things are going well, and we’re making progress and it’s looking hopeful and positive, you make comments which serve no purpose other than to make me feel awful. seriously… is it possible you just don’t have that kind of empathy at all? i always assumed i was the emotionally stunted one because of everything you’ve said over the years, but maybe, just maybe, it’s the other way around? it would explain a couple of things, not that it really matters at this point.

or perhaps you know exactly what you are doing and it is all completely intentional. if that is the case, then i don’t know what to tell you other than to suggest that if this behavior has led up to this outcome, how can you possibly think that doubling down on it now will cause a reverse effect? rethink your strategy for future encounters and you may see better results.

progress of sorts

i wrote you a long letter spelling out everything because talking to you about it was getting nowhere. every time i started, one of us would start to get emotional and then it just would no longer be productive. but then last night we managed to talk a little bit and, for the most part, keep our heads.

i am really encouraged by the steps forward you seem to have taken. i know this is a bit of a nightmare and for you it is very sudden, like a bomb going off in your hands, but you have to understand that for me, this is not a bomb, but a slowly simmering fire that has been burning for years now. i’m sorry if i seem less affected, i assure you i am just as invested as you are, i have just built up a few more defenses against the hurt.

there is still so much more to do, i do not expect it to happen over night, but if we can keep inching forward, i think we can both get to a place where we can start healing soon enough.

i am glad that we agree the next step is to sit down and crunch some numbers so we can have a bit of a game plan and then talk to the kids. i know we can do this.

baby steps

although things went a bit sideways at one point, it did not last too long and then there was actually a bit of a productive conversation.

i also spoke with my therapist again, that helped keep my head on straight.

last but not least, i made a new reddit friend who is going through a very similar scenario, maybe a couple months ahead. it’s definitely both interesting, and helpful to speak with someone and not worry about them thinking you’re a monster.

i’m the bad guy

the first night was confusion, sadness. that was hard. but last night was sadness and anger. last night was laying blame and directing it on me. last night was about justifying your own behavior so that you can be the innocent victim. last night took my heart and ground it into the dirt. i know it is only going to get worse, but i have not become numb yet, so this is still so very difficult.

i have to maintain my composure, i can’t give in to this conflict. i have to do everything in my power to make sure this is amicable, that this ends on good terms. it’s important.

i will not go to war, i will not use my children as weapons, i will not lay blame or vilify anyone. i will be the bad guy if that’s what you need me to be. i will listen to you tell me how awful of a person i am and not argue. i will take it in when you tell me i am destroying everything and that i am being selfish so that you feel blameless. i will not fight back. i know you’re angry. i understand. i’m sorry that you’re angry. i would like to promise you that it will all be ok, but i don’t know that it will be. in the meantime, you can hate me if it makes you feel better. i owe you that much.

asshole

i keep trying to remind myself of why and how i got here and it makes sense for a minute, but that minute is fleeting. that minute is quickly replaced by panic and guilt. that minute is squashed by anger and frustration targeted directly at me. that minute is wiped out by fear and by the worry that i have doomed myself and those around me to pain and sadness.

it hurts. and i know i am hurting her too. and i am about to hurt them. all because of what? why the hell did i think this would be better? what the fuck man? boo hoo, you’re not happy. who CARES?! who says you deserve happy? especially after this, you think you deserve happy? you’re BREAKING someone you care about. what the hell even is happy for you anyways? you did this to yourself and you fucking know it. and now others are going to suffer because of you. idiot.

you fucked everything up and you deserve whatever is coming your way. stop trying to find a sympathetic ear, you won’t find one, you don’t deserve one, go fuck yourself.

i’m sorry

i told k last night that i was unhappy with our relationship, that i feel like it is broken and not reparable, and that i have felt this way for a long time. i told her i do still love her, i am not angry and i don’t want to fight but we should end things.

i thought there was going to be some kind of feeling of relief. i thought there might be some kind of positive aspect despite the very sad and upsetting reality of the situation. i thought i might feel hopeful, at least a little bit…

instead all i feel is guilt, shame, sadness, self hatred even. it’s worse today than it has ever been. i feel like now instead of just feeling pain in my head and heart, i have inflicted pain on other people i care about and it is just amplifying what my own emotions are.

i want to take it all back and just live with all that pain myself, alone, forever. i don’t want to cause this hurt for other people.

this is not what i was expecting. i don’t know what to do.

it didn’t come, it doesn’t matter

another early morning. 3 am i was up, not able to sleep any more. 4 am i got out of bed. 5 am i made a coffee… and now 6 am i am here writing.

i had a good conversation with my therapist yesterday. she said something which i haven’t been able to stop thinking about when i was talking to her about making this choice. i told her what my options were, to either accept what i have and make the best of it, or change everything with the hopes of finding something more fulfilling… and she asked me, well, no, actually she kind of told me that if i chose option 1, with everything she had learned about me so far, it would only be a matter of time before my heart started overpowering my brain once more.

it took me a minute to understand what she was saying, but ultimately it did process, and i think she’s right. i can pretend everything is ok, i can even try to make things better, but i cannot undo any of the past and it will always be there. if i cannot live with that, then i cannot live with that. and i think i have reached the point where i cannot live with that.

so, that’s scary.

i wanted to talk to k about it last night, but she was not feeling well and i chickened out. i don’t want to go to war. i don’t want trouble. i just want everyone to have a chance at happiness. so bringing this up again when she’s in pain is not a good idea, right? am i just making excuses and avoiding it… maybe…

maybe today i will have the courage to do it.

choice

i’ve been up, on and off, since 2am. this seems to be my new pattern now. falling asleep from exhaustion and then, just as my batteries charge up enough to reboot, my brain turns back on and sleep is once again an impossibility.

i kind of prefer the alternate version of insomnia that i used to have, when i just could not actually fall asleep until very late (or early depending on your perspective) but then would sleep soundly until my alarm went off. at least then i was semi productive at night. this new version of insomnia leaves me a zombie for hours and hours on end, just staring at the wall.

this morning i’ve been thinking about divorce, separation, whatever you want to call it. i am trying to make a choice and it is so messed up. it feels like there are no obvious right answers. it’s just choosing what kind of suck i want my life to be.

i can stay, and basically give up any hope of ever feeling romantic love again, at least not without literal mountains of guilt and shame attached. BUT, that saves everything i have built over the last 18 years. the lifestyle i have, the home i live in, the family and friends around me.

or i can go, destroying everything. my lifestyle would change dramatically, my home would be sold, some family and friends would surely be lost. BUT, it opens the door to me possibly finding love again. it provides me the possibility to rebuild things. this option is about the possibility of something new. the only thing is, it is just that, a possibility, not a certainty. i could very well end up throwing it all away and finding nothing, being able to rebuild nothing.

—

stay and pretend to be happy to save what i already have, or leave and risk it all on the possibility of something better?

i know what i have to choose, but it is so hard to admit. it is so hard to commit to. it is so hard to even think about, nevermind actually talk about.