hey asshole, it’s been a while. welcome back. did you remember the lesson you learned that spawned this whole journey? you didn’t did you? and now look where you find yourself. idiot.
you need to stop making up stories in your head. you need to stop imagining things that are not there. you need to make better choices. you need to show more restraint. you need to be more reserved. you need to shut your stupid fucking mouth.
you need to be ok with not being ok.
so many things are held together with flimsy pieces of tape or bubble gum. when it’s all working smoothly it’s barely noticeable, things are happening, things are working, everything is moving forward.
but the moment things started coming apart, a closer scrutiny was needed. a tiny thread was pulled and it started unraveling something bigger which led to another lose bit which flaked off too easily which revealed another part with big rust holes which highlighted another thing which was installed upside down from the factory that in turn revealed a whole bunch of other parts that were out of alignment and slowly the whole thing has become rather overwhelming.
i don’t know how to fix all of this. i’m trying. there are so many things which i am improving. there are so many things which i am repairing. there are so many things which i am rebuilding from the ground up… but every day something new is revealed, a new set of problems, a new issue that can no longer be ignored…
one step forward and two steps back…
i wonder when that will reverse? it will start getting better, right? at some point? all of this effort can’t be for naught.
i should probably believe that you actually have the best of intentions with this, but i just can’t. maybe not so much that you have bad intentions, but rather that your reasons are actually self serving and not as altruistic as you make them out to be.
perhaps i am too cynical? or perhaps i have been around people long enough that i know real altruism is impossibly rare.
but you know what, it’s fine. when i first heard about the whole “let them” theory i scoffed. it felt weak. it felt pathetic. if you want something you need to fight for it, right? i guess that’s how i have always looked at everything. you have to work hard to get the things you desire. you have to suffer in order to achieve your goals. you have to sacrifice in order to be happy. and maybe for a lot of things this is actually true, but i am coming around to the realization that maybe with people, with interpersonal relationships, that really is not the case.
that is not to say making any effort is futile, not at all. of course if you want to grow something with someone you need to show up, you need to care, you need to make efforts, you need to sacrifice, you need to compromise, you need to do all kinds of things… but you can’t make them do anything. do all of those things for YOU.
that last part is key. you have to do everything that your soul tells you that you need to do. you need to do all the things that show the world, and show yourself, the kind of person you are. but that’s where it ends. you have no control over what the other person does, nor can you influence it, nor guide it, nor force it. if you try, you might think you are successful if they do what you want, but in the end, they are going to resent you for it.
so let them do what they want to do. just accept it.
Just let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.
Let them lose you.
You were never theirs because you were always your own.
So let them.
Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.
Let them have a safe place in you.
Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.
Let them love you
-Cassie Philipps
i picked the wrong january to dry january.
things do not feel so great tonight. i’m trying so hard to keep my chin up, to focus on the positive, to think about the future… it’s not quite so easy though.
i don’t need much, but i do need a little bit. i do need something…
tonight feels like i have less than nothing.
i feel like i give and i give and in return, i get taken for granted. i give and i give and then i get asked for more. i give and i give and then i get ignored.
woe is me, i know. i’m sure i am seeing this without considering the efforts someone, somewhere has made towards reciprocity or even the efforts made for my sole benefit. i can’t help that. if i don’t see it, how can i consider it? faith? foolishness? naivety?
so what can i learn from this? what is the lesson here? should i be entirely self sufficient when it comes to my happiness? pardon my french, but that’s a load of shit. we’re social animals. our brains are literally wired for it. affection, companionship, understanding, comfort, love… all of those things are needs. and all of those things require another person.
what i wouldn’t give to be able to hold a hand right now.
can i even ask you that? i mean, you don’t owe me any explanations or anything, but still… i kind of would like to know just the headlines? busy at work, family emergency, getaway with friends, romantic escapade… like… all of these are possible, so are a million other things… can you point me in a direction?
here’s the problem, and when i say “the” problem, i really mean “my” problem, but i am making it your problem too through association, sorry.
i overthink every-fucking-thing.
seriously. every single interaction i have with anyone, ever, i overthink it. i make up countless imaginary scenarios in my head. i worry about all kinds of things which are based on absolutely nothing. i stay up all night replaying conversations in my head, analyzing every detail. taking something at face value is just about impossible for me. i second guess everything. i often get so caught up in that that i actually completely miss what is actually going on, and end up fumbling the whole interaction completely.
and you know what the most fun bit of all that is? the more someone means to me, the more i overthink every interaction.
so… yeah. where are you? what happened? please tell me because i am slowly making myself crazy over here.