all i want to hear is your voice

you’re so selfish. a peculiar kind of selfish wrapped in the most beautiful of selfless wrappers. you’ve perfected your craft into art almost, it is enchanting, it is admirable, it is pitiable, it inspires awe. with great intention, it transforms your worldly appearance into a form so wildly different than your truth that no one would ever believe it. not even yourself.

but still, for a moment, i saw you. the real you. granted, it was only a glimpse, you wouldn’t ever let me actually see the whole you, but none the less, i saw you.

and the you i saw didn’t scare me. you didn’t worry me. you didn’t upset me or sadden me or make me feel anything but love for you. and yet, even though it was the only thing i wanted, the only thing i needed from you, you couldn’t allow that.

i tried to tell you in my own way. i’m not infallible in this, i could have done so much better, but i used the tools and judgement i had at my disposal. i know it wasn’t enough to make you understand. i know i wasn’t enough to make you want to change even if you did understand.

this was always supposed to be a fantasy for you, wasn’t it? this was never supposed to bleed into the real world. fantasy is safe, fantasy has no accountability, fantasy has no compromise. fantasy has no real vulnerability. but… i can never find happiness in the fantasy. of all places, you know that is the one place i cannot live. you know how my mind works, you know the games i play with my own thoughts, you learned about limerence from me, remember? forcing this to exist in the make believe kept me broken, confused, scared.

for you, the fantasy was safe, and reality was not. for me, the opposite is true.

you should have listened to me from the start. i was not the one for you, i never was. too many red flags. too many complications. don’t you dare say you were not scared or that you wanted to find solutions to those road blocks, that is a lie, and we both know it.

i should have listened to you when you retreated the first time and i should have left it alone, i should have known i would only bring you hurt. but i am selfish too.

i’m sorry.

you should know, not a day goes by that i don’t think of you. you’re still the first person i think of when i wake up, and the last i think of before i fall asleep. i love you and i think i have from the moment we met, and i suspect i always will. but none of that matters any more.

i never imagined ours to be a tragedy, this story was not supposed to end like this.

–

have a very good night, and a very sleep tight. i hope you have beautiful dreams, even if you don’t remember them.

ok, i’m ready to talk now

how dare you enter my dreams like that and tell me all the things i want to hear? right when things here in the real world are becoming so fucking wonderful.

you’re not going to leave me be until i burn everything to the ground, are you?

i don’t want to do that. don’t make me do that. i know you already have, but you’ve been doing that from the start.

control

it was always about control, wasn’t it? i think that’s the way you are broken most of all. you need that control all the time. not in a way that’s like “i need to feel happy, i need to feel safe” but in a much darker and more destructive way. you need to have control, it is involuntary and you will sabotage and destroy everything around you in order to ensure you, and only you, can dictate the terms of engagement. and you don’t even realize it. do you?

you were never going to choose me. this distance, this obstacle, this impossible to resolve situation, it’s perfect for you, isn’t it? you have a barrier, a control mechanism. you can hide behind it and retreat whenever you want, whenever it gets too real. you were only ever going to peek around the edges, never crossing the line. i see that now… and it makes me sad.

the fact that this is how the story ends is tragic. i don’t want to accept it, but i think i have to. the alternative is to chase after you and surrender everything to you once more. the problem is, i’m worth more than that. i deserve more than that. i need more than that. and you’ve made it abundantly clear, you will not be providing me with any of that.

so, i am truly sorry,, but this is it. the end of the road. terminus, tout le monde debarque.

goodbye a.

compatibility

it’s funny how your brain decides to rewire itself and change the narrative once you’ve passed specific milestones or turning points. the things which you knew to your core suddenly become less firm… and other things which you were aware of, but chose to disregard due to their irrelevance, somehow become key.

is it a coping mechanism to help you deal with grief, with trauma, with disappointment, with shame, with embarrassment? the facts have not changed, the events which transpired have not changed, the feelings felt and the emotions expressed never changed either… but the perception of all of these things shift to better allow you to accept whatever mistakes or missteps were taken and to allow you to move forward.

“hindsight is 20/20” they say. odd curse that one is. you only see your mistakes after you have made them. sometimes you may be able to work through it, sometimes you can correct things, but sometimes… sometimes mistakes end things. and when that happens, you start recognizing the other mistakes which led to that final blow. it’s never just one thing. there’s always more, a series of missteps which you ignored and which led you to that final coup de grace.

so… what have we learned today, class?

i think i have underestimated both the definition, scope and breadth of compatibility as well as the importance. i was so laser focused on certain elements that i failed to consider the other aspects. and those other aspects… in hindsight… are more important than i could ever have imagined.

i’m worried, because i have a taste of something nice right now, and i am desperately trying to apply my learned lessons. i don’t want to make the same mistakes again.

what am i missing? what am i disregarding as irrelevant this time?

start again, part 3

i’ve recently met someone interesting… i’m hesitant to write anything because i don’t know for sure how i feel yet, and i don’t want to jinx anything. suffice it to say, i am very much encouraged, and happy about it… but i have felt that way before and it has ended poorly, leaving me feeling like a bit of an idiot. so, lets slow the fuck down this time, right? right.

some observations… talking is easy. sure there are nerves at first, but other than that, we’re on the same, or at least very similar wavelengths. kind of surprisingly and unexpectedly so. also, physical compatibility is very high. like… higher than i can remember with just about anyone. goals and ambitions are also very oddly compatible, wait, no, not compatible, complementary and aligned is more appropriate. i’d be lying if i said i didn’t have high hopes.

this is the first one i have told j about, knowing full well it will get back to k, which will lead to k. soooo… that’s saying something, right? right.

i’m excited to see her again, we have plans on sunday evening.

start again, part 2

i told a i wanted to see her again. she got upset. to her, seeing each other would lead to vulnerability, would lead to us getting closer, would lead to her having to choose whether or not she wanted to change her life, for me… for us.

she couldn’t bring herself to even entertain that idea, other than in a joking way. but for me, this was crucial. this was critical. this was not an option.

remaining in this fantasy world connected only via a screen is not enough. i could do it for a while, sure, but there has to be some element outside of that. there has to be the promise of more.

so i kept pushing. i kept suggesting. i kept dropping obvious hints. until finally, i asked if i was being too much, if i should just cool it and back off. the answer i got was a huge slap in the face.

“do what you want, i’m going to bed”

after the fact she said she didn’t mean it like that, but in the moment, how do you think i took it? that fucking comment snapped my fucking reality into crystal clarity. as much as i love her, she was never going to be the one because she doesn’t want to be. i can’t be with someone who i need to convince to want to be with me. that’s only going to lead to resentment.

so after a week of thinking about it, and honestly, not handling it well… i told her i couldn’t do this any more and just wanted to revert back to being just friends.

that… did not go well.

right away she deleted any picture or sound clip ever sent to me… so whatever was built over the last year, immediately decimated. and then she started scrolling back through things i said previously and shoved them in my face to make me feel bad.

i stuck to it, wanting to be friends still despite the obvious attempt at hurting me back and reclaiming control of the situation, and tried to remain calm. i asked to take a few so we could cool off. so then a couple days later, when i re-iterated that i cared and wanted to be friends still… she used my words against me once more and said this was not fixable and she didn’t want to be my friend.

i’m not going to fight it. all that will happen is more hurt. so i’ll be the bad guy again and let her feel like she won. maybe that will be easier for her.

start again, part 1

so much has happened, i don’t even know where to start. one thing i do know however is that i have to start again. not being able to write for this last month has been exceptionally difficult for me. i feel it building up inside me… pressure.

i stopped writing because this place no longer felt safe. someone who was never supposed to see this place, found it, and started reading through it.

before you say anything, i know, i know, what did i expect, this is published on the internet… that said, i have done my best to make sure everything in anonymized, i do not have my name, or anyone else’s name present anywhere, i don’t talk about specific events or things or even locations which could be even loosely correlated back to me or anyone i know… so despite this being public on the internet, the probability of someone i know stumbling across it is pretty much zero… unless they have some kind of access to my internet browsing history and can see what URLs i visit… and then look into them themselves. which is kinda what happened. gross.

hopefully, by changing the URL, changing the devices i use to access this place, and waiting a month with everything dormant and locked behind a maintenance window, this will have passed.

i’ll be keeping a close eye on the server logs anyways. if you’re here, and you know you are not supposed to be… can you please consider maybe just… you know… fucking off? this place is important to me.

is it smart?

is it smart to plan a visit when there’s no solid plan for the future? no mapped out solution, no clear way this could ever actually work long term? probably not. probably the logical move is to pull back, step away, let go before things get too tangled. save ourselves the pain of the eventual unraveling. find someone nearby. someone with fewer complications. someone who doesn’t require airports and calendars and aching goodbyes.

but love doesn’t care about logic. it never has. and what we have doesn’t live in that clean, rational space. it lives somewhere else. the late night texts ending with sweet little gifs to show how we feel, the longing i believe both of us struggle with constantly, the ridiculous grins when a message lands at just the right time. it lives in the quiet belief that maybe, just maybe, something rare is worth holding onto even if it doesn’t fit into the shape of our lives right now.

not seeing each other doesn’t fix anything. it doesn’t protect us. it just slowly drains the life out of something beautiful. the distance starts to win. we stop building. we stop growing. and what’s left is a version of us frozen in memory instead of something alive and changing.

every visit matters. every time we can see each other matters and will stitch us closer together, not just with affection but with understanding. seeing each other again won’t magically solve anything, but it pulls us back into the same orbit. it reminds us of the reasons we even bother trying. and i think it’s only from that place, where we’re connected and present and feeling all of it, that we’ll actually be able to figure out the next steps. the long term plan.

long distance asks for more than most people are willing to give. it asks for trust that feels impossible. for effort that never stops. for hope that stretches across vast distances. it asks for sacrifice. and some days, it feels too heavy. but some days, like today, it feels like something sacred.

so no, it’s probably not the smart move. but it feels like the right one. and maybe that’s what matters most? it feels like it does to me.

notice to those who know me

what i write here is just what is going on in my head at any given moment. it is neither fiction nor fact. it is just thoughts. sometimes i might say things that are scary. sometimes i may say things which are troubling. sometimes i may say things which are unhinged or unfounded or just straight up wacky. but sometimes i say things which are also filled with love and hope and cheer.

take it all with a grain of salt ok?

that said, i am considering anonymizing this place once more. it feel safer when i know it’s only strangers reading my nonsense.