gentle reminders

it’s funny how earlier this morning i thought about how k’s behavior lately was only temporary… and then this afternoon the hidden truth peeked through once more.

comments were made to the kids about things they have zero control or influence over, things they have no business caring or even knowing about, things which don’t really even concern them, at a volume explicitly sufficient to reach the ears of a certain someone in the other room, who is clearly the one who she wanted to make those passive aggressive comments to. thanks, message received loud and clear.

to her credit, she did somewhat apologize several hours later, but the emotional damage was already done. there is no undoing it now, especially not with a sorry. and double that when it is an “i’m sorry, but…”

i’m thankful for not having taken the bait.

i’m sorry z and l you have to be subjected to that. that is not fair. you won’t get that from me, i promise.

trouble sleeping

the past few weeks have been tumultuous to say the least. lots of heavy thoughts and feelings. lots of self reflection and analysis. lots of coping and reasoning. lots of self loathing and hatred. lots of hope and excitement. lots of guilt and fear. lots of relief and release. suffice it to say, my head has been all over the place and back again.

i think the things which are affecting me most right now though are more centered around fear and uncertainty and i think that might be what is affecting my sleep. i find myself going down some deep rabbit holes questioning whether this is all a mistake and that there actually are no greener pastures to explore. k is not helping things at all. ever since this started she has changed her tune and has been on her best behavior. i know it will not last and it is just a reaction to the hurt i inflicted on her with this, but it does fog everything slightly. it makes me think that perhaps things can change, perhaps this is redeemable, perhaps all the unhappiness previously experienced was just a precursor to a happier time… this is delusion though. this is what i have been telling myself for years. this is how i got stuck so deep in the rut to begin with.

i have been making lists. lists of things which broke my heart. lists of things which i will not miss. lists of things which undermine or belittle me. lists of things which i do not like or actively hate. i have to keep reviewing and reaffirming those lists to keep myself on track. is that crazy person behavior? it that awful of me?

i guess on the flip side i also keep repeating over and over my number one priority. this needs to end amicably for the kids and for her. i can keep eating some shit for a while to make sure that happens. she is no longer my life partner, i do not owe her an explanation, nor can i expect or even ask for her to carry some of this burden. this is what i want, and the only person i can trust to make sure that it happens is myself. so i must do whatever is necessary to ensure that outcome.

i’ve been reading a lot on reddit about divorce, different people’s stories and the outcomes of each. there seems to be a lot of common themes and roles, and also a lot of common lies people tell to themselves and to those around them. there is always the victim and the perpetrator and when someone falls deep enough into one of these roles, they seem to lose sight of everything else.

some of those stories are scary, i see myself in their shoes and then i see some of the reactions from other people and it makes me sick to my stomach. people can be so kind and supportive, but they can also be so fucking ruthless it’s doubtful they are even human. so many people speak from their own experience stating things which ultimately are just beliefs they formed to help them cope as fact and it is upsetting to me, because i fall for it. but i need to remember, no one knows my story except for me. so despite similarities, these are not my stories.

living lies

the more people i talk to about the impending dissolution of my marriage, the more i find that i really am not alone in this feeling of emptiness and unhappiness. the more i find there are other guys in the same, or at least very similar situations. married, but to a roommate, to a business partner, to a colleague… not married to a lover, to a best friend, to a confidante or to an actual life partner.

is this just the inevitable place people end up in, or is it the product of poor communication over years? is it blindness to problems in the early days, or is it just normal personal growth and change? how do successful long term relationships work? is it just luck? is it hard work? is it fundamental compatibility at a deeper level?

i told my brother about what’s going on last night. i think it shook him. and then in an attempt to make me feel better he told me about his current situation… which didn’t necessarily make me feel better, because i don’t want that for him. he seems to be feeling just as alone, and has been leaning on alcohol to get him through most nights. i want to help him, but i don’t know that i can right now.

i also told 2 of the guys who work directly for me, mostly because i had to explain my absence to them. one of the guys already saw it coming, we talked a bit about it in september, but before there was this finality present. the other one though… fuck. he already has a very real social behavior issue of not being able to shut the fuck up, and now that he knows this about me, he has not been able to shut up. he is trying to offer sympathy, offer advice, offer friendship, offer distraction… don’t get me wrong, his intentions are appreciated, but it is way too fucking much and is only raising my stress level. he came with me in the car on the ride to the restaurant last night and i swear to god, that was the most infuriating 45 minutes i have spent in a long time. i bit my tongue so damn hard the whole time, just trying to remind myself his intentions are good.

it’s just a matter of time now before the rumor mill starts at work. several people asked me if i was ok last night because of my recent weight loss. certain people made a really big deal about it, which honestly, i didn’t really want, but what am i going to do, give someone shit for trying to compliment me? anyhow, i expect next week will have a few new people reaching out to me asking if i’m ok and making puppy dog eyes.

i may not always be right, but i am never wrong.

thing 1

every year on christmas eve, we all gather at my parents house to celebrate. it has been this way for decades. it is the tradition.

my sister lives about 7-8 hours away and has come down with her kids and boyfriend in tow every single year without fail. we only really get to see each other about twice per year, so this is always a very special and welcome visit.

unfortunately, this year in particular, my sister’s boyfriend has decided that christmas eve will be spent with HIS family instead and that they will not be coming to see the rest of us like usual. apparently he is being completely adamant, and allegedly unpleasant about it. this has sent my sister into near hysteria.

so, yesterday morning my brother and i got a text from mom saying that christmas eve will need to be postponed a week until new years day in order to accommodate my sister. my brother replied immediately saying that was fine with him, but i chose not to reply just then, because for me, this really is not ok and i wanted to think on it a bit first.

lets do some math. if we go through with this, then my sister will be upset anyways because she is not spending christmas eve with her family, and everyone here will be upset as well as we will all be effectively forbidden from seeing each other on christmas. disaster all around. alternately, if we decide to have christmas without her, then my sister will be upset, and the rest of us will of course miss her, but we’ll still have our christmas and the kids will all be happy. which is worse? it seems pretty obvious.

after calling my mom last night and explaining this to her, she agreed. my dad, of course, in the background commented angrily that this is the same thing he was trying to explain to her as well. so after we got off the phone, she called my sister to sort things out. i’m not sure how that went, but in the end my mom sent another text saying christmas would be on the 24th like usual.

thing 2

k has been very stubborn about her budget. she is doing some unrealistic calculations and estimates and the end result is she doesn’t believe she can afford anything other than a literal hovel. i have tried to show her more realistic numbers. two banks have given her numbers on what kind of mortgage she could afford, and yet she has remained solidly fixed on her estimates.

she’s gone to see several houses now which fit in this price bracket and they are all… less than pleasant? like they need work, they need renovations. and then they could be very nice, but they are not move in ready.

i have tried a few times now to show her listings that are a little more expensive, but still VERY affordable, that have already been renovated. homes which are move in ready. and she has snubbed her nose up at each and every one of them saying “too expensive, i’m not even going to look”.

well, last night after visiting 2 houses in her price bracket, and calculating some of the time and money needed to renovate them… she can back and admitted that i was probably right and that she was being unrealistic about her budget.

yet another reason why things are broken between us. how many times have i tried to tell her something only to be completely dismissed so she can go and figure it out on her own and ultimately realize i was right all along. how the heck is that a partnership? where is the trust? anyways… i’m happy that she has started to reconsider her budget considerations, this will open up several much better, less stressful opportunities for her.

what is this

i’m feeling kind of anxious today. not sure about what, but it doesn’t feel good. nothing bad has happened, there are no signs of anything bad about to happen, no one has said anything weird or suspicious, yet my spidey senses are on overdrive.

my legs are shaking a mile a minute, my concentration is completely shot, my stomach feels like it is turning over itself, what the hell is going on?

i need to calm myself down somehow, but i don’t really know what will work. for real, the only thing that comes to mind is eating cookies or something… which is strange as fuck, because i can’t even remember the last time i ate a cookie. so why am i craving cookies for comfort right now?

i’m racking my brain to try figure out where this feeling is coming from, but i’m coming up empty… and this focus, or whatever focus i can actually muster, is also making the feeling on anxiety even more intense. if anything, i should be hopeful, exited even… but not this, this feeling of impending doom right around the corner.

like an onion?

this inverse insomnia shit is getting really old now. being up this early has no advantages really, my brain has not started really functioning yet, my body is still asleep… so i just zone out. not thinking, not moving, just awake. at least when i had sleeping issues on the other end of a good night’s sleep and i was just staying up late, then i could DO something. it may not have always been the best thing to do, it always involved a lot of over thinking and usually a healthy dose of alcohol… but still at least there was something going on. i would play guitar, i would write here, i would read, i would work on things i needed to get done…

anyhow, this is just my reality at the moment it seems. perhaps in the coming months this will change.

i still wonder sometimes if i am making a huge mistake. i wonder if maybe i should just take everything back and live with my sadness, my disappointment, my frustration and feelings of dissatisfaction? would it be easier? it would be less effort. i mean, i probably could spend the rest of my life in that state and just try to find little bits of happiness elsewhere… right? like, lots of people must do that, right?

when i think about this, the worst part is, i am not concerned about feeling like i will regret this or anything like that. i am concerned about the amount of effort that will be required to get there and then maintain this… how supremely fucked is that?

but once the dust has settled, i know i will be happier, even if i never find the love i am after. even if i never find my actual person. even if i spend the rest of my years on this planet alone… i will still be happier because i will not be lying, i will not be constantly worried about managing someone else’s feelings, i will not be compromising myself, my likes, my wants, my needs to appease another. i will not be putting myself second.

it’s going to be interesting coming back to posts like this in the coming months, or even years. fuck i have really peeled back so many damn layers in the last several months. if you would have asked me last year at this time if i could ever imagine myself being in this situation, i would have laughed so hard. but deep down i would have been asking myself “holy shit… i can do that? that is an option for me???”.