don’t spy on people.

hey so, do you feel better now? in what world did you think it would be a good idea to sneak up on me and then spy on what i am doing? seriously… best case scenario, you violate my privacy and you’re a shit and you know it. worst case scenario, you’re a shit and you know it AND you see something you don’t want to actually see AND you get caught doing it.

well, i guess we know what happened, huh? and now you’re sitting there all upset in the dark. i’m not going to come console you. that’s done. that’s over. i’m no longer that guy and you can no longer manipulate me like that.

this is like the car all over again. you fucked up, you broke something and now you want me to be the one who is sorry and apologizing?

fuck that. i did nothing wrong.

here for you

i see the weight you softly bear,
though you’ve not spoken what is there.
no need for words, no need to say,
i’m here for you in every way.

a quiet light, a steady flame,
no questions asked, no need for name.
just know, when clouds obscure your view,
there’s someone here who cares for you.

take all the time you need to mend,
i’ll be your calm, your quiet friend.
for all i wish, in heart and part,
is peace to find your precious heart.

the quiet between us

i know why you didn’t answer,
why your words hang heavy in the air,
a quiet void that speaks volumes.
i told you it was fine—
and it is,
but the weight presses harder each moment
you choose not to speak.

please, just say it.
tell me, and let the truth cut clean.
better the sharp sting of honesty
than this slow bleed of uncertainty,
where i play the clown,
masking my questions with trembling smiles,
only to crumble in the silence
that follows me home.

you are allowed to change your mind.
you can call this too much,
too fast,
or too wrong.
you can say it was a mistake—
a fleeting shadow of something
that was never meant to grow roots.
it will hurt, yes.
but i would bear it.
just fucking tell me.

or am i wrong?
is this silence your shield,
a fortress of fear or doubt,
because trust has its limits
and you can’t let me in?
is it easier to leave me grasping at shadows
than to risk being seen,
raw and unguarded?

i don’t like this game,
this guessing,
this limbo.
speak, or don’t—
but know i am unraveling
in the quiet between us.

the love i crave

i want to lose myself in your eyes,
i need your voice to calm my skies.

i want to tell you every thought,
i need your truths, both cold and hot.

i want to feel your soul laid bare,
i need to know your wounds, your care.

i want your words, unfiltered, raw,
i need your love without a flaw.

i want to share my every scar,
i need you close, no matter how far.

i want no games, no fear, no doubt,
i need us both to just pour out.

i want no rules, no script to choose,
i need the space to make our rules.

i want a song that only we know,
i need a tune that lets our love grow.

i want each note to pull us near,
i need your voice, the music i hear.

i want the courage to leap, to trust,
i need the kind of love that’s just us.

i want a rhythm we can create,
i need a love that bends to fate.

just say it.

i’m terrified to admit it, even here in this private place. writing out the words that express how i feel seems impossible. paralyzing even.

whether i confess or not, whether i write it down or say it aloud, the feelings and thoughts are there. i know this, and yet, i am still scared to write it down, as if writing it will somehow change things.

but maybe, just maybe, it will change something? maybe i need to put it out there and let the words previously only in my head take their own place in the world? maybe i also need to tell you explicitly, even though i thought it was obvious. perhaps it isn’t.

happy new year?

usually new years is a time for cocktails and appetizers. good music and good friends. a tradition i have tried to maintain for 15 or so years now. this year it was scuppered by the wives of my friend group. apparently because it “would be too much for steve, all things considered.”

uhhh wut?

anyhow, the plans were all discussed and decided upon without my involvement or input, whatever. fine. i don’t really care all that much, it’s just more the WAY this went down that bothers me. if i would have been involved in any capacity and someone asked or suggested doing something else, i would have had zero objections and would have offered to help.

so this year was at j&k’s place, and to be honest, i really did not have a great time.

j decided it would be a good idea to smoke pot, repeatedly, despite the fact that he is on antibiotics for a lung infection. lots of coughing and wheezing ensued along with disgustingly horking loogies all over the fucking place. gross. but apparently it’s ok because he hasn’t smoked a cig in 2 days (this infection has gone on for weeks now…). to make things even more “fun” he also decided it would be a great idea to “microdose” psylocibin mushrooms. except his definition of microdosing is fucking wack. j, m and e all gobbled up at least 1g of of mushrooms each, probably more, i was not partaking nor paying close attention.

this, along with copious amounts of whiskey and beer caused j to transcend from ‘i love you man’ to ‘listen, i have important things to tell you while i put my fucking hands all over your face and just babble gibberish and then i will get mad at you because i make no sense and you are laughing at me, not with me.’

jesus christ. it was too much. i did not enjoy that at all. and the drunken condescension was REALLY something i could do without.

k and c also made it a big point to come see me and with pity in their eyes try to explain that they didn’t choose k over me in this split… they both felt the need to over explain and hug and i don’t even really know. like, i never thought anyone took any sides because there are no sides to take, there is no war. stop trying to make conflict where there is none. what the hell guys?

there were some highlights though. all the kids seemed to have a great time. z, c and s especially had a blast singing karaoke. they sang so many songs that i would never in a million years guessed they would know. rock and alternative hits from the 90’s and 00’s! it was really cute watching and listening to them.

when the ball finally dropped was i think the low point for me though. everyone offering up drunken smooches, and then k and i exchanging uncomfortable glances. eugh. anyhow, we made it through, and i really wanted to call a to wish her a happy new year as well, but that’s when j decided to corner me and start telling me how i didn’t understand the reasons why he wanted to play music, even though i understood perfectly well. by the time i could appease his diatribe it was already way too late and i missed my opportunity. thanks.

i feel like i need to retreat and isolate myself from my friends, but not because i am depressed or something, but because they are acting fucking weird and i don’t have the patience for it.

my family is doing the same thing…

just be normal guys.

anyhow. dry january. who is with me?