a

hey. i don’t know how to do this. i am kind of freaking out here. you said and did a couple of things recently which made me think this was coming, but none of that actually prepared me for anything it seems. and now that you’ve walked away i am lost. completely and utterly broken.

i know i didn’t put up a fight this time, i just let you go. i can’t fight you. i can’t argue with you. you say you are unhappy and that you need to go away, presumably to fix that and that it was not for me to fix. what am i supposed to say to that?

i can only assume that your unhappiness is in part because of me, or that the key to your happiness is somehow blocked by my presence in your life.

that cuts me so fucking deep i can’t even put it into words. do you have any idea how much that hurt me? all i have ever wanted from the very first day we met, was to learn more about you and to bring some kind of enrichment to your life. i’ve wanted to be part of your life and you to be part of mine in so many ways, in every way, in all the ways. so, the fact that you need to cut me out to be happy is just… i can’t.

and the no response after, no goodbye, no nothing. i don’t think you could have orchestrated a more magnificent coup de grace if you even tried.

you know i love you, right? like… i’m actually in love with you. i know i have not said those words, what credibility would i have saying them even? i’m a fool. i’m an idiot. i’m a disaster. i am a giant bag of red flags. i have no god damn idea what i am doing. but i do know for certain how i feel about you. i love you.

too little, too late. i get it.

i really, really hope you can find the happiness you are looking for. there is literally not another person on the face of the planet who deserves that more that you.

goodbye my petite laitue.

adrift

where to begin…
what even matters at this point?

the days blur,
or is it weeks?
time drifts like fog on the water,
soft at the edges, dissolving as i reach for it.

i need something solid, something ahead—
a goal, a place, a reason to move.
but more than that, i need a tether.

not an anchor, not a chain,
just a line—something to hold,
something that can tug when i forget which way is forward,
something i can pull when i need to feel close to something real.

but the last of my tethers have frayed,
unraveled into the cold, dark current.
i reach, i pull—only to find slack,
the rope trailing loose in the vast, empty water.

i am adrift.

i see

so, let me get this straight… you thought it would be less weird to ask my soon to be ex wife to ask me if inviting me, your friend of 30+ years, over to your place would be weird if she was there too?

what?

why would you not just ask me?

and, no it’s not fucking weird, except now you’ve made it weird. what the fuck?!

i knew i would lose friends, but this here, this cuts in a whole new and unexpected way. and both of you thought this was a good idea?

well… at least now i know where everyone stands. cool cool.

214

oh, another thing… as of this morning, 214. what… the… fuck… that is over 50 lbs removed from my body.

FIFTY!

that’s a bag of cement! that’s a 5 gallon water bottle! that’s 200 apples! that’s 5 bowling balls! that’s 2 car tires!

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

discovery

wow… i am… i’m not even sure of the word… surprised? deceived? relieved? happy? sad? shit, i don’t really know.

for the last 18 years i have largely been exempt from most of the household chores. things like laundry, a lot of the cleaning, tidying up, etc… however i was absolutely responsible for a whole slew of other things, yard work, repairs, maintenance and also all of the shopping and meal preparations among other things. anyhow, everything seemed more or less fair to me. k never stopped complaining about never having enough help with her share of the work though. i regularly felt bad, like i was not carrying my weight. at one point we even hired a cleaning lady! i’ve also tried repeatedly to instill a sense of responsibility in the children by incentivizing them to do chores based on their allowance. all the while picking up chores here and there when i knew they needed to be done and i knew i wouldn’t “do it wrong”.

well.. after a week of living on my own, most of which was with the kids, the house has never been tidier, laundry has never been more washed, dried, folded and put away, the kitchen has never been more spotless…

i think i got the short end of the stick for a very long time. sure, it’s work, it needs to be done, but holy hell, it’s not hard and it really doesn’t take much time at all. anyhow. perhaps in another life i was a homemaker.

additionally, i have signed up on “the apps”, just to see. jesus tapdancing christ has that ever been an ego boost for me! wow! never in a million years would i have expected that kind of attention. whether it leads to anything or not, who knows, but it is a nice to feeling when someone thinks you’re desirable, so i’ll enjoy it while it lasts!

routine

i have to remember to do certain things. i need to consciously remind myself.

  • don’t drink too much coffee
  • eat something with nutritional value
  • take a shower and brush my teeth
  • do some kind of excercise
  • practice guitar or drums
  • clean up the kitchen
  • write something
  • practice spanish

there’s obviously more things i need to do in the day, but those are all things which i need to do for myself that no one else gives a crap about. so i have to remind myself.

i have been doing a terrible job at that lately. for example, looking at my health app, i have not done any exercise in like almost 2 weeks. yesterday i finally broke that pattern and rowed for 20 minutes.

i feel my mental well being slip when i am not taking care of myself. it’s a 1 to 1 relationship, just on a delayed timer.

soy un perdador

the last time i wrote anything was almost 2 weeks ago. i feel the effects of that, it is palpable in my mood, in my thought process in my emotional regulation, in my routine, in everything.

i have to commit to daily writing again. even if i have nothing to say. i need to do it for my own well being before i deteriorate further.

a lot has happened in these last 2 weeks. a lot of things which have really twisted and bent my soul into new and uncomfortable shapes. it’s hard to focus on the things which are going right currently because of that, there is so much negativity, it is overwhelming.

k has moved out, that happened on feb 14, of all days. i am bitter about that. additionally, there was no plan for anyone else to help, so i was the singular source of muscle in this operation. the day left me broken physically, mentally and emotionally.

the following day i started rebuilding my environment, first things first, couch delivery and assembly. i was hoping for some kind of help, some kind of moral support, some kind of emotional companionship in this. i had mentioned that to a, but instead of getting anything of the sort, i was left on read all day only be to prompted with a “how was your day?” in the evening. perhaps it was not fair for me to expect anything more, but i did anyways and i was left even more broken than the day before.

k, on her end, was not fairing much better. although she did have c and k, j and n all come to her side and help her, it was not enough to compensate for the overwhelming disaster which was to ensue. it started with a leaky bathtub (which i fixed for her) and continued with a leaky bathroom window followed by a leaky kitchen window which then lead to a leaky basement with water under the floor and culminated with a leaky ceiling in an upstairs bedroom. all within 72 hours. suffice it to say, this is what they would call a “vis cache” here in quebec, or a hidden defect the sellers tried to sneak past everyone… regardless of that though, after calling the insurance and having disaster crews come by, she is left with a half torn apart house, drywall and flooring ripped up, fans, dehumidifiers, mold inhibitor chemicals… all things which make living in that home a challenge. returning it to a livable state will cost tens of thousands which her insurance is likely to deny her, and will require her to hire a lawyer to go after the seller for. in the meantime… she can’t have the kids of cats at her place.

and of course, as you may have been able to guess, this was indirectly blamed on me. “i only bought this house because it was available and knew you wanted me out of your hair as soon as possible” is a statement that when said to me fucking stabbed me right through my heart. the guilt, the shame, the regret, everything that washed over me in that moment was, and continues to be unbearable. but bear it i must.

adjacent to all of this, last night i had a long talk with a about things. it’s nothing good at this point. seems like i bring undesirable feelings there too.

everywhere i turn lately, i am a disappointment, i am a loser, i am a problem, i am a burden. it’s funny how sometimes when you feel like you have hit the bottom and will start inevitably rising back up, you then discover there are even further depths to which you can sink.