i just want to be your sweet heart

when i removed a bunch of posts a few days ago, one of them included this song. i didn’t want to take it down, but i wrote some stuff that really i should have kept to myself and didn’t feel good about leaving it out there. but this song is still important to me.

so… take two.

for me, this song really embodies the feeling of limerence, obsession, infatuation, love addiction. feeling something so strongly for someone who, realistically, doesn’t even know you exist. so much so that you’re willing to humiliate yourself, subject yourself to any amount of suffering, debasement and degradation, just to get that hit of dopamine from the slightest bit of attention.

it’s a delusion, and it’s harmful. it hurts. and yet you can’t help it, and you do it willingly.

eugh.

reconnection?

you replied. i can barely believe it. i hope so so much that there will be some kind of rekindling of friendship. i seriously can’t think of anyone else in the entire world who i would want this from more. wait… that’s not fair. i can’t put this on you. this is not your problem, not by any stretch of the imagination. i still hope though. i hope so much. too much.

i told you i started blogging again knowing that might trigger some kind of nostalgic response in you. fuck… i’m an asshole. why did i do that? arg…

i know you’re going to ask, and i want to tell you so fucking badly. i don’t know if i can. i don’t know if i should. if i don’t then why did i even mention it in the first place?

maybe i should have let sleeping dogs lie.

god, i’m an idiot.

better help review – part 1

so far, not impressed.

sign up has you go through a whole slew of questions, many of which, at least for me, don’t have a definitive answer, or the answers they provide don’t really apply or aren’t quite right. on it’s own though, that’s not a deal breaker, i mean i get it, you have to start somewhere, right?

the part that kind of soured it for me at the start is how after spending a good 20 minutes answering questions, you are then hit with the payment screen. at this point you’re invested, you’ve committed time to answer truthfully and from the heart, at least for me i was feeling pretty vulnerable… so when the payment option comes up it felt like a slap in the face.

i am not trying to say it should be free or anything like that, far from it. it’s just the way that the site does it makes it feel predatory almost.

the billing model is weird. they give you the weekly price, but then say it’s billed every 4 weeks, so why not just make it a monthly price? there are a metric fuckton of youtubers pushing this platform right now so discount codes are abundant. i chose a fellow canadian i really like as my referrer, thanks @Julie Nolke! got a few bucks off, so in the end just shy of 400 CAD for the month.

Once in the platform, you need to answer more questions, and then wait for a match to a therapist. they say it could take 24/48 hours, but i was matched in just about an hour or so.

unfortunately, the person i was matched to was about to go on holiday or something? so their first availability is only next week. ehhhhh…..

so remember the weird billing model? if that’s a 2 way street, then i am now paying 1 week to wait. really?

anyhow, we’ll see how this works out. in the meantime i am checking out the rest of the platform. yesterday i explored the journaling system which allows you to write whatever you want, they offer various prompts to help inspire you or get you started. you can attach a feeling to the entry and you also have the option to share it with your therapist. seems pretty well thought out and has all the functions and features you could expect. i made an entry, but decided not to share it with my therapist just yet, i’m not even certain i will stay with this one and wait the week. apparently one of the features of better help is that you can change any time, so maybe i’ll try that.

help

i signed up for online therapy today. i don’t know if i really believe in it or not, but i figured it couldn’t hurt. seeing as i have literally no one else to talk to at this point, i guess it’s something.

i also messaged k8 last night and wrote a comment to her blog post from 2005. she’s probably the only one who i might even feel a little bit comfortable talking to about things. that might have been a mistake. it’s probably been too long since we last talked. i hope my message doesn’t upset her. that’s the last thing i want. although it’s completely unfair for me to expect a response, i really hope i get one anyways. not that i would even deserve it.

it’s m’s birthday today, and as much as i really really really want to send a message, i won’t. i can’t go back there. that’s done. i fucked that up beyond imagination.

play it by ear?

really good jam yesterday, despite y not being there. things are slowly coming together, things are getting tighter, less mistakes being made. j and m only took one 420 break and both were motivated to keep going. i played my heart out as well… i guess i have some demons i need to exercise or something (shocker, right?).

i’m starting to believe in j’s plan that by next summer we’ll be able to play a show.

the other day j said something as well which i thought was interesting. both m and i play by ear. we can’t read music. heck, i can barely read tab and i don’t even think there is tab for drums. j on the other hand relies 100% on tab. so every song we learn, he needs to study and m and i just kind of fuck around until we get it. because of this, j claimed we were superior musicians to him. which is kind of funny, because j has always been one of my musical inspirations/mentors/idol. i’ll take it as a compliment.

anyhow, towards the end of the jam, m pulls out a little thing he’s been fucking around with for a while and holy moly, i fucking love it! pardon the potato recording quality.

little rough still, this was the very first time either j or i played along to it, so there is work to be done for sure. but man oh man, this is something. can’t wait until next weekend to flesh it out more.