can’t sleep, clown will eat me

8:30am. i’ve been at work for the last hour and a half. my eyes are bloodshot, my stomach is in knots. i couldn’t even bother to take a shower when i finally got out of bed this morning. thank god i work from home in my own little private corner in the basement of my house.

one coffee down, do i make myself another, or do i go for the more easily digestible redbull? i’m going to have to pick. why can’t i pick?

last night i tried going to bed “early” at 11pm. i thought i was tired, but apparently not tired enough. you know that feeling when you are just barely starting to fall asleep and then your whole body just fucking jolts and it almost feels like you’re falling for a fraction of a second? or you know the feeling of, i guess it’s some kind of acid reflux or something, but it happens while you are half asleep so you get woken up by the feeling of drowning in battery acid? that was the theme of my night. each event interspersed with thoughts and half dreams about things i didn’t want to think or dream about.

this morning is an endless stream of meetings. i’m not really paying attention. this afternoon i have meetings which were cancelled but i left them in my calendar so that no one could book me. i feel guilty about that. but honestly, i’m not sure i can deal with it today.

ok, redbull. get up, go. do it.

explorer update part 3

clean-ish!

despite a less than stellar reaction to yesterday’s work, i motivated myself to continue, and i’m happy with the progress. it ain’t perfect, but it least 90% of the shit everywhere has been sorted. i still need to install that garage door opener, but it’s pissing rain right now and my car is clean soooooo….. yeah, it’s going to have to wait until the rain stops and i can put my car outside.

tonight i think i will be able to start sanding the body and neck and if all goes well, i’ll apply the grain filler too. if that happens, i’ll update this post with pics.

and yes, i said i didn’t want to put my car outside because it was raining. shut up.

UPDATE: actual guitar stuff is happening!

all the bits that came in the kit. body has had the first sanding completed, i forgot to take pics but don’t worry, there is plenty of sanding to come! i don’t understand why, but this kit came with like 10 feet of copper shielding tape. wut? also, tuners… no bueno.

i thought this thing would have come with appropriate glue, but alas, it does not. thankfully i still have some of this stuff left from the telecaster repair a few months ago. it’s not the right kind of glue, but it should work… right? RIGHT? fuck I hope it works.

like with everything i glue, too much in some spots, not enough in others… hopefully it will squish around to all the right places.

wiped up the excess, bunch of clamps on there… now we wait at least 24 hours.

things i am concerned about: neck and body were in my air conditioned office all week. now they are in the hot and humid garage. the wood is going to do funny things. hopefully the clamps and glue will keep everything together. also, the glue i used is probably not the best for this… we’ll see. i guess WORST case scenario, it comes apart and i have to clean it up and re-glue with the right glue this time.

better help – part trois

this will be my last update for a while on this. not because i don’t have thoughts or opinions, not because i am stopping or cancelling it, but because i think i need more time to really develop my thoughts on this and witness some form of material improvement over time… updating weekly i don’t think will be doing anyone justice.

so where do i stand on whether this is worthwhile after today’s appointment? still undecided.

so much of this has me rolling my eyes at myself asking if i am serious right now. i mean, i’m an avid consumer of tv and movies and protagonists in therapy is certainly an overused trope in just about any modern story. so i am not unfamiliar with at least the hollywood interpretation of how this goes. the conversations are surprisingly predictable in the sense that these are all conversations i have had with myself or here with you, nameless, faceless internet, over and over again. so yes, i roll my eyes. and yes i am asking myself how i can take this seriously. and i think that may be part of the problem to be honest. if i was able to unfuck myself on my own, i guess i probably would have done it by now, right?

i guess sometimes things are done certain ways for a reason (i know, what a shocking revelation, right?), as trivial or trite as it may seem, literally just talking to someone who i don’t know and have no fear of saying something which may hurt their feelings, or give them the wrong impression, or change the way they see me is kind of freeing. so i am going to give it a go for a while and see what happens.

feeling venty, might delete later

first, g, fuck you man. despite the fact we almost never see each other anymore, i love you like a brother. you’re one of the most important and influential people in my life. i know i wouldn’t be who i am today without you. no joke, you are one of the very few people in this world i would take a bullet for without any hesitation.

so it fucking KILLS ME when you pull this shit. i know you have social anxiety and a million other self diagnosed ailments, but dude, it’s me. you understand that you are a terrible liar, right? i don’t even care if it’s just a text, an email, a voicemail, we don’t even need to see each other in person or leave our respective homes. just please stop stop stop making plans and then disappearing. i can’t take it. i needed to talk to you, and i think you wanted to talk to me too.

you’re leaving the day after my birthday. are you going to AT LEAST reply before then? tick tock mother fucker. <3

next, k8, i really should send this to you in an email, but for whatever reason i feel like i need to state this out loud, well, this isn’t exactly out loud, but whatever, you know what i mean.

i read through everything and my heart broke a million times. i so wish i could have been there in some capacity for you. but instead i had my head up my ass. i can’t help but wonder how things could have been different if only i had picked up the phone, answered an email, anything at all. i also can’t help but feel indirectly responsible, a contributing factor or at the very least an influential precursor to so many of your trials. maybe i am giving myself more credit than i am due. maybe i am just projecting based on the headspace you take up for me. i don’t know. either way, i really do hope you’re currently the happiest you have ever been. you deserve that. also, please don’t give up on writing. just fucking do it. i know it’s hard. trust me, i know it all too well. even if what comes out doesn’t live up to your standards, it’s fine. at least you did it. you have a gift with words that i certainly envy. don’t wait until it’s too late to use it.

last, k, bruh… why must you insist on poo-pooing on everything. i was excited about that AND the other thing too, and now i just want to give up on both. thanks.

explorer build update 2

jesus tapdancing christ. it’s 30c out, and probably about 36c in the garage. 36 stagnant, dusty, degrees. still, at least i got something done. it’s better than nothing. tomorrow i tackle the rest.

side note: i have a problem with wheels i think. why do i have 4 complete sets of wheels and tires for the s4? wait no, 5 if i count the ones on there already. i also have another set on order. what the fuck man?

i miss aim

definitely about to show my age here, but whatever. i really miss AOL instant messenger. i miss the nonsense font choices people made. i miss having a buddy list. i miss the away messages. i miss desperately searching for meaning in the lyrics people posted in their away messages!

i know, i know, facebook messenger, discord, telegram, snapchat, imessage, bla bla bla… it’s not the same thing. these try to do too many things all at once. they’re too connected to a million other features, platforms, distractions, etc.

when i think about it, i really miss a lot about the early days of the internet in general. it seemed a lot more ‘special’ back then. everything that existed really showed how much, or how little effort an actual, real person put into it. everything was so much more intentional. everything was so much more personal.

i remember when i built my first web server way back when. i had just moved out of my parents house and took over the spare room in j&k’s apartment @5309. i didn’t have a computer, nor did i have very much money, so i scoured the local newspaper’s classifieds section to find something for sale and i ended up finding a used 486DX4 system in a giant metal tower for a price i could manage.

the only operating system install media i had were a million different versions of macintosh system (6, 7, 8 and maybe 9 too? i’m not sure that was out yet.) and a handful of freeBSD disquettes. so, freeBSD it was, because macintosh system was 68k only and this was x86. i had no clue what i was doing, no clue how to make it work, no documentation, no nothing. yet somehow i got x working, and then somehow i got it online too.

i think i probably ended up getting debian install media too at some point and switched to that, but, honestly, i don’t remember all that much from back then any more. heck even what i do remember is probably wrong too haha

i must have been using a dyndns domain back then, because i only registered my current domain back in the summer of 2002. no, not this one, my actual one… not that this one isn’t real… ahh forget it. you know what i mean.

having to figure everything out, learn how the operating systems worked, learn how apache works, learn how bind works, learn how sendmail works, all of it so that then you could learn how html works and then learn how to make something that was even a little bit functional and all that work, just so you could post some nonsense online that was important to you… like, that’s a lot of fucking work. back then you had to really want it. you had to really care.

compared to today where this very site took me all of about 17 seconds to set up from beginning to end. it’s not the same. honestly, it feels disposable. like if i just deleted this whole thing tomorrow, would it even really phase me? i could start again somewhere else in no time flat.

don’t worry, i have no intention of deleting this place any time soon. i just really miss the old days.

now get of my damn lawn you kids!

listen – anthem of the lost

sometimes the youtube algorithm knows me too well. this is exactly what i needed after facing the disaster in my garage. i remember when this video was first posted so many years ago, to me, it’s just as motivational now as it was then.

to whoever needs to hear it: if you can sing, if you can play an instrument, if you write, if you paint, it you fucking knit, bake cakes or even make sand castles, then do it! don’t let bullshit stop you from creating things. sing your little heart out even if no one hears it, draw those pictures, write that poem, whatever it is, put it out there into the universe. you’ll feel a lot better after you do, i promise.

explorer build update

got most of the bits, pieces, doodads and doohickeys i need to get started today. i also decided on the finish i want to do, but i’m not telling what it’s going to be just yet. you’ll need to wait and see. i think it’s a bit of a risky move, but i’m doing it anyways. if it turns out how i am imagining it, it’s going to be amazing! alright, lets gooooo!

step 1. sand everything.

step 1. find somewhere to do the sanding.

step 1. clean up the garage.

argh! the back of my garage, which also serves as my workshop is, funny enough, about as clean and clear as my mental state these days! it’s a dump zone and it has been for a few years now. for fucks sake. it’s completely out of control. i gotta clean this shit up.

i swear i am not a hoarder.

guitar build might have to go on hold for a couple days while i deal with this. what a fucking disaster. how did i ignore this for so long?!

i really should get started right now, but i’m too discouraged to even think about tackling this mess tonight. it’s going to have to wait until tomorrow.

spidey senses

many times at work when working on a project, troubleshooting an issue or reviewing someone else’s game plan for the same i get this feeling that i’m missing something which will cause major problems for no apparent reason, or that there is imminent danger if i continue on that approach because i am working based on false assumptions or information. it regularly leads me to make decisions based on ‘gut feel’. more often than not, i’m right to do so and quickly discover a seemingly unrelated issue that would otherwise be a showstopper with the current plan. and even if i’m not necessarily right, then at least one potential cause of failure gets ruled out for certain. risk vs reward is always in my favor, because the worst possible outcome is that i will have spent a bit of time double checking something that is fine. so the only thing ‘wasted’ is a bit of time.

the same cannot be said for things that happen outside of work. i have the same feelings, the same impending doom predictions, or that the story is wrong, or even what the truth really is that no one is willing to admit… but it is so much harder to address it because fixing things sometimes means breaking things first. when you break something with people, unlike a line of code or a configuration setting, there is no undo, there is no revert, there are no backups you can restore.

e, years ago when you had your crisis, i knew your story was a complete fabrication, and i know what the truth was. but you sold a story to everyone and i went along with it. you’ll never read this, but i knew the truth, because i know you. it’s ok, i’ve been there too.

j, i know you know. and i know you know that i know that you know. we’re never going to talk about it, but i know.

z, stop it. you think i don’t know what’s happening? of course i do. i wish we could talk about it. we’re more alike than you know. i think i could help you, or if nothing else, we could be miserable together and you would not need to do it alone. then again, if i were in your shoes, i would probably do the same. actually, i did do the same. so i guess i can’t blame you.

m, i see you. (edit: phrasing? re-reading this it sounds incredibly creepy, jesus christ. that was not my intent, i don’t actually see you.)

and last but not least, k… i’ve messed up so many things, i don’t even know what to think any more. but for a while my spidey senses have been literally on fire and all i want to do is talk to you about it because i know there is something, but i am terrified to find out and i am terrified that it likely is a cat which can never be put back in the bag.

so i guess i will just go with the flow, and wait to see what happens next, like i always do because i’m too much of a chicken to rock the boat.