kryptonite

there is nothing i fear more at work than a female subordinate who is crying over something work related.

i legit have no clue how to handle it. no matter what i do, it seems like it just makes things worse. i don’t know what to do in those situations.

i have no problems dealing with a female coworker (subordinate or peer) who is crying because their dog died, their boyfriend left them, they got hurt or injured, or anything like that. i can deal with that. i may not be an expert, but i know enough to be able to offer support, comfort or just a sympathetic ear. it may not be fun, it may not be comfortable, but ultimately, i can manage well enough.

when the tears are because of work… fuck me. none of that applies. none of it makes sense any more. all the rules are out the window.

today i received a call from an employee who had recently had several performance issues, received an unfavorable yearly evaluation from their manager and was forced to abandon their current 4 day a week schedule in favor of a 5 day a week schedule (same number of hours, just a different distribution. we’re not slave drivers…) because the 1 day a week absence was not something she was managing appropriately. so, admittedly not great, i get that, but i know she can do better, i know she has it in her to succeed, her employment was not being terminated or anything like that. she was just not really achieving her potential, or even the expectations of her role and things had to change to set her on the right track. yes along with these negative things also came a commitment from her direct manager as well as from me to assist her and provide her with appropriate and timely feedback, coaching and guidance. everyone is on her side.

several other employees who had recently switched from 4 days a week to 5 were effectively bribed into accepting this change, but they were also top performers and so the additional cost was easily justified. unfortunately this was not the case for this employee. but you know how it goes, people talk. so, she was aware that the others received pay bumps, and she did not.

I was trying to help sort out payroll issues when i was informed that this employee had not signed her new contract yet, but was already working 5 days a week. this of course messed up all the calculation in the payroll system so that’s why i asked her to give me a call so we could sort it out.

she indeed had not signed the contract because she disagreed, or was unhappy with it. it took all of about 60 seconds of her asking me why other people got pay bumps for changing schedules whereas she did not before the water works started.

i fucking froze. i did not know what to say. i stammered. i wasn’t able to explain shit. when faced with a woman crying, my brain just flips into a completely different mode all together and it is involuntary.

if it was a man, i would have told him straight up “you didn’t get shit because you’re not doing what you’re supposed to. stop crying, lets work together, get your act sorted out, and then we can talk. right now i cannot justify paying you more for a job you’re not doing properly. i know this may be upsetting, but i also know you can do better.”

but because it was a woman, i just couldn’t offer the same level of candor. i felt like i had to do anything in my power to help her, because she was a woman. i felt like if i told her she didn’t get anything because she was not doing her job properly that it would only make things a million times worse. i felt AWFUL. i don’t even remember what i said anymore other than ultimately telling her i would have to get back to her. and then i promptly contacted finance to see what could be done to help her. thankfully, i have a good relationship with our head of finance, who is also a woman, and after i explained everything she just kind of laughed (presumably because this is a common occurrence?) and she said no way, jose.

i’m going to have to talk to this employee tomorrow and explain things to her, and i am absolutely petrified to do so. i know it will just trigger more tears, and i know it will make my stupid monkey brain do the thing it’s not supposed to do again.

does that make me sexist? does that make me a sucker? shit, i don’t know. all i can tell you is i do not know how to handle this kind of situation. at all. and it’s not because i don’t know what the right thing to do is, it’s more about the involuntary reaction i have.

birthdays

at what age do you become old? when i was a kid, pretty much anyone over the age of 25 was “old” but as i’ve grown older myself, that line has shifted a little every year. it’s almost as if the definition of ‘old’ in my head is not so much a fixed age itself, but rather a vague number of years older than i currently am. in 6 days i will be 45. is that old? i don’t feel old. but the signs are there around me that maybe the vague offset of years between my current age and my definition of old is getting smaller. i see friends complain more and more about their broken bodies after doing the slightest of physical activities. my best and dearest of friends falls asleep on the couch in the middle of the afternoon and repeats the same story day after day without realizing he’s repeating himself… there are people i know who have died this past year that were the same age as me.

i’m not quite ready for ‘old’ yet. i’m not sure i ever will be. there are too many things which i have not done yet, too many things which i haven’t learned, too many people i haven’t met, too many places i haven’t seen.

for the last 20 years i have outwardly told anyone who asks that i don’t care about my birthday. it’s easier that way, removes any pressure, and eliminates the possibility for disappointment. but the truth is, i do care. and every year i am disappointed. not because i want extravagant gifts or big parties or anything like that, i legit could not care less about material stuff. no, i think i am disappointed because most of the time all i want is for someone to surprise me with something thoughtful, but that rarely happens.

this year, i would like to hear from you, g. when you came back to this area i was super fucking pumped man. i missed hanging out with you. i tried to open every door i could for you and your family. i introduced you to my small, but tightly knit circle of friends, most of whom you already kind of knew from before. i kept an open door policy at my house, you were always welcome any time, without any advance notice. mi casa es su casa. i sent you messages, tried calling you, tried making plans. sometimes it worked out, but very rarely, there was always some excuse. and now you’re leaving again, for good i suspect. you’re leaving in 7 days and the last message i have from you is from 3 weeks ago when you said you would sort out whatever it is you needed to sort out and then let me know “next week” when we could hang out, to which i replied “just name the time and place and i’ll be there”. i know you’re not going to say anything. i know the next message i get from you will likely be in 2025. i won’t hold a grudge. i will still talk to you as if not even a day had passed. but still, i hope you prove me wrong and surprise me before you go.

thank you

time for a reddit friend update!

i’m feeling pretty confident that i have managed to make 2 new friends. granted, it’s early days, but so far i’m feeling pretty encouraged. it’s really nice. i think i really did need this. and it’s more than just having someone to talk to, but also having someone who legit wants to talk to me as well.

c, you are something else! wow, talk about putting my problems into perspective. thank you for asking, and caring about what i had to say and how i was feeling. you’ve not had an easy life and may not be in the best place yet, but you’re doing really well and i’m so impressed. no joke, inspired even. you indeed are a bit of a walking contradiction, your interests and passions seem to be diametrically opposed, i have never met someone like you before. we have lots of common interests though, and i think we’ve talked more in the last week than i’ve talked to anyone in the last year. i’ve really enjoyed it and it certainly has made me feel a lot more like me.

then there is a… mysterious and secretive a. i’m on to you! at first i was a bit doubtful, a bit reluctant. the only thing i knew about you was that you were also a reddit fiend. i opened up to you a bit and i think that maybe broke the ice enough for you to show me some of your true colors as well. you started off almost clinical even in the way you conversed, it was kind of off-putting. but lately you have warmed up significantly. i think you’re pretty amazing, and although you refuse to fess up to it, i think you’re doing something pretty amazing as well. maybe i’ll be able to gain your trust enough for you to tell me about it sometime. in the mean time, i really like talking to you.

of course, with these 2 wins, there was a lot of… well, not losses, but we’ll say ‘not successes’. the internet certainly has some interesting characters. out of the many failed conversations there is only one which is kind of sticking with me. a2, i’m sorry i had to stop talking to you so abruptly, you clearly need someone to talk to, but it’s not me. if you knew a bit more about what i’ve gone through lately you would understand. i hope you find someone who can fill that void for you.

go go go

i am feeling wiped out. today was nightmarishly busy at work. too many emergencies all at once, 3 people absent either due to illness or vacation on my team, other teams short as well so they try to lean on my team making the load even more unbearable. stupid mistakes made because people are rushing… eugh.

then as soon as that was done, go to pick up k’s car at dan’s. holy shit looking at the parts he replaced, i am amazed no one died. i should have taken pictures, but i was too busy being mortified by the invoice. on the plus side, i get my car back now. apparently it only scraped the underside 4 times a day for a week. that’s not too bad, right? fml. looks like i will be going back to see dan soon but for my car instead. AWE? Polo? Borla? tbd.

feed kids, rush rush rush, off to soccer. then it’s time for me… 40 minutes of intense drumming old blink 182. i’m now dripping with sweat and completely knackered.

i’m done.

oh, almost forgot, i had someone ask me today if i liked redheaded sluts. i did not know that was a drink. it almost became reeeeal awkward, reeeeal fast. thankfully i clued in to the fact that it was a drink before i opened my mouth.

of course it’s hailing.

holy moly. my thoughts are about as turbulent as the weather outside right now. thunder, lightning, overwhelming rain and even hail all made their presence very known this afternoon, followed by an unusual calm. mother nature, i’m with you on this one.

i had a video call with k8 this afternoon. i have not seen her face or heard her voice in so so long… she hasn’t aged a day, that isn’t to say she hasn’t changed though. she definitely seemed genuinely content, in control, or at least as much as you can be with little kids in your life. she seemed happy and that made me happy too. gone was the cloud of uncertainty that used to follow her around. anyhow, to say the whole thing wasn’t overwhelming, wonderful, nostalgic, exciting, heart wrenching, heartwarming, cathartic and even intimidating all at once (for me) would be an outright lie. words almost completely failed me. there are a million and one things, but everything just got caught in my throat.

it’s truly mind boggling how i can write and write and write and spill my guts through my fingertips, but as soon as there is eye contact, as soon as there are facial expressions, as soon as there are little noises of approval or disapproval, everything just grinds to a halt. when did that happen? why did that happen?

despite the mental road blocks, i am really happy the ice is broken now. i hope there is more to come.

a couple of things came up that i do need to deal with sooner rather than later however. the fact that k doesn’t know about any of this makes it somewhat uncomfortable for her. i am uncomfortable about it too. it’s making something harmless into something malicious. but i’m convinced that telling her will only hurt her. that’s the very last thing i want. of course if she finds out on her own, it will likely hurt more. i’m not sure what the solution is here. i’m not even sure there is one where no one loses. maybe the best thing is to be honest, and then live with the consequences, though i worry that will just foster even more resentment.

and then there’s precipitating events that triggered this to even happen in the first place. i know i need to talk about it but i’m so damn worried. worried that it will taint whatever memories or history exist in her head. worried that it will make me look like a cretin, a deviant, a degenerate in her eyes. but why do i care so much? why is this so important to me? why is the opinion of someone who i haven’t even spoken to in so long and isn’t actually a present force in my life this heavy on my heart? i don’t fucking know, but it is.

there’s so much more i want to say, but maybe i should sleep on things and digest a little.

listen – again i go unnoticed

this fucking song. i can’t even begin to explain how many times i have listened to it and how many times over the years, decades even that it has rang true.

I’ll wait until tomorrow
Maybe you’ll feel better then
Maybe we’ll be better then
So what’s another day
When I can’t bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you?
This mood of yours is temporary
It seems worth the wait to see you smile again
Out of the corner of my eye
Won’t be the only way you’re looking at me then

eugh. chris carrabba, are you me?

fine, maybe you had a point

yeah ok, i never explicitly told you, but i didn’t lie either. i just avoided the topic because it’s kind of fucked up and i don’t really want to think about it, nor talk about it. you knew though… come on. and now that i’ve confirmed it, i can’t help but feel like the mood and tone have changed. i worry that things are going to slowly deteriorate. only slowly because of the sunken cost. and that sucks. i don’t blame you though. my fault. always my fault.

#1 on life support

i have a guitar that has been by my side longer than any other material item on this planet. it’s been severely mistreated, used and abused, neglected, ignored and loved intensely.

a few years ago it started failing, specifically the bridge cracked in half. at the time i had not yet started my adventures in lutherie, so i glued it back together with gorilla glue… which kind of made it worse. i didn’t know gorilla glue expanded when it cured, ok? simultaneously, the neck started bowing pretty badly, i’m not sure why. this guitar does not have a truss rod, so there is no way to correct the bow. other than a neck reset…

this week i have decided to start making my #1 playable again. this is absolutely not cost effective in any way, shape or form. i can likely buy a far superior replacement for way less… but it wouldn’t be the same.

here she is before anything done. in this state, the guitar is largely unplayable. the action above the 12th fret is probably close to 1cm, maybe even a bit more.

with some 99% isopropyl to loosen the gorilla glue, and some gentle prying, i managed to remove the bridge, revealing some weak ass looking wood underneath. i gave it a light sanding to remove any high spots and reached inside to feel the state of the backing board underneath, which thankfully feels ok. replacing the face of the guitar is out of the question, but i will try to fill any of the more serious cracks with some glue and then clamp the whole thing down.

new bridge drilled, and glued down. fancy clamp in place to keep everything in place. i used the right kind of glue this time 🙂

and now we wait for the glue to do it’s thing!

gravitational pull

when i started this blog, there were a few things that kind of reached a tipping point for me. self esteem i suspect plays a role in them all, which is weird in a way because i never really considered myself to have a problem in that regard. upon much reflection, i’m starting to think maybe i do?

in any case, one of the things i don’t like about myself, and haven’t for a long time, is my weight. i know i am not morbidly obese or anything like that, but i definitely have a “beer belly” going on, and it bothers me. wearing certain clothing makes me self conscious, taking off my shirt when i go swimming makes me feel embarrassed, hell even walking around the house without a shirt on in front of my own family gives me icky feelings about myself.

so, an easily identified problem, which i know how to fix, is being worked on. one month ago i weighed 267 lbs. probably the heaviest i have ever been. i am embarrassed and ashamed to admit that. but i can fix this.

first step is identifying what constitutes success? that’s a tricky one, because i’m not really sure. i of course have done a bit of research, but a lot of what i found seems a little disconnected from reality. for example:

at 167, i think i would probably look like a fucking skeleton. that doesn’t at ALL sound healthy to me.

various other sources indicated anywhere from 150 to 210 as ideal weight for my age and height. i think 210 might be achievable, but i think that’s more of a stretch goal. realistically, i think i would be happy at 225. more than happy, in fact. so, success is 225 lbs and i am giving myself 6 months to get there and remain stable. basically by 2025.

now, how am i doing this? what’s the plan? the answer is science of course! calories in < calories out. my basal metabolic rate i’ve estimated to be about 2100. on a day where i practice drumming for an hour or two, that gives me an extra 1000. mow the lawn, an extra 500 or so. doing my regular errands on saturday morning an extra 400, give or take. etc, etc, etc…

so, if i reduce my caloric intake as a function of my caloric expenditure, then i will lose weight. easy peasy.

i’ve been doing this for a month now, and as of this morning i am down to 251. that’s fucking HUGE. maybe even too much at once, i don’t know, i’m not an expert of course. either way, a win is a win.