Category: :)

this year, more than any i can remember, my usual excitement about christmas was definitely forced. there are simply too many things going on this year, too many important changes, too many secrets, too many hidden agendas, too many things missing and too many things just backwards. this seems to be applied universally across everything i know.

so being genuinely excited for christmas like i usually am seemed almost impossible. but, as the expression goes, fake it until you make it. and i made it. and many things did work out well. and ultimately i am thankful.

there are a couple very notable things however which i want to recognize.

k has found a house, made an offer, negotiated and signed contingent on an inspection. that is huge. everyone is on vacation until the 6th, however once the inspectors, banks and notaries are back at work, this could possibly go very quickly. the place is currently vacant, so there’s no delay waiting for that… it’s just a matter of signing paperwork. there is some work that needs to be done on the house, but it is largely cosmetic. i do worry a little that k will drag her feet on that and try to stay here as long as possible. which, within reason is fine, but already she was suggesting pushing notary until february and move in till march… just because. i don’t want to be an ass about it, but at the same time, keeping this pot on the stove longer than is necessary with cause the bottom to burn. and no one likes a burnt stew. in any case… progress!

the other thing i want to recognize, a, you are still a beautiful mystery to me and surprise me every single day. what you gave me for christmas goes beyond thoughtful. it goes beyond anything i have ever received from anyone before. when i told you i was speechless, i wasn’t lying or just turning a phrase, i literally have no words to describe what that meant to me, and even now, over 24 hours later, i still don’t even know what to say. you make me happy in a way i have been missing for so fucking long.

do you remember back in school when you had group projects to do? or even if you just had to pair up with one other person for an assignment? usually the first thing most people would do is divvy up the tasks amongst all of the group members. everyone was responsible for their own little part and then at the end you would combine it all into the finished project and submit it for grading.

do you remember the feeling you had when other people were making progress on their part and you hadn’t progressed quite enough yet? awful, right?

but… on the flip side, do you remember when you finished your assigned tasks before everyone else? the feeling of relief, of accomplishment, of satisfaction? you may still need to make corrections, you may still need to help other group members with their parts, you still need to submit the whole thing for grading… BUT… you did your part. there’s something so good about that feeling.

today i bought my stbxw out of our home, now legally my home.

i was worried about this day. i was worried about this step in particular. this is kind of a point of no return, at least financially. it kind of makes things very real. there are legal documents signed. there is a LOT of money that i had to pay out. there are a lot of things made crystal clear that we both had to discuss and agree upon like adults.

i was worried there would be tears. i was worried there would be second guessing. i was worried there would be pleading, or last minute amendments, or any number of uncomfortable scenarios…

but none of that happened, everything is done, and i kind of feel relieved. i kind of feel like i have now completed my part of this specific project and the majority of the remaining tasks are on someone else’s plate. i still obviously have a vested interest in making sure we get a passing grade, but if we do not, no one can say it was my fault. i did my part.

this inverse insomnia shit is getting really old now. being up this early has no advantages really, my brain has not started really functioning yet, my body is still asleep… so i just zone out. not thinking, not moving, just awake. at least when i had sleeping issues on the other end of a good night’s sleep and i was just staying up late, then i could DO something. it may not have always been the best thing to do, it always involved a lot of over thinking and usually a healthy dose of alcohol… but still at least there was something going on. i would play guitar, i would write here, i would read, i would work on things i needed to get done…

anyhow, this is just my reality at the moment it seems. perhaps in the coming months this will change.

i still wonder sometimes if i am making a huge mistake. i wonder if maybe i should just take everything back and live with my sadness, my disappointment, my frustration and feelings of dissatisfaction? would it be easier? it would be less effort. i mean, i probably could spend the rest of my life in that state and just try to find little bits of happiness elsewhere… right? like, lots of people must do that, right?

when i think about this, the worst part is, i am not concerned about feeling like i will regret this or anything like that. i am concerned about the amount of effort that will be required to get there and then maintain this… how supremely fucked is that?

but once the dust has settled, i know i will be happier, even if i never find the love i am after. even if i never find my actual person. even if i spend the rest of my years on this planet alone… i will still be happier because i will not be lying, i will not be constantly worried about managing someone else’s feelings, i will not be compromising myself, my likes, my wants, my needs to appease another. i will not be putting myself second.

it’s going to be interesting coming back to posts like this in the coming months, or even years. fuck i have really peeled back so many damn layers in the last several months. if you would have asked me last year at this time if i could ever imagine myself being in this situation, i would have laughed so hard. but deep down i would have been asking myself “holy shit… i can do that? that is an option for me???”.

whaaaaaaa? holy crap. goal is within reach. i am fucking ecstatic today.

i’ve hit some kind of wall. i have been woefully uninspired to write for a few weeks. i’m not really sure why, it’s as though the previously overflowing feelings and emotions have somewhat subsided, or rather, the source has just become exhausted, or maybe blocked? and now the originally turbulent and rapidly flowing deluge has thinned out to gentle trickle.

i’ve been working on changing my physical appearance to something i like more lately. starting with weight loss, which has been going reasonably well. i still have some work to do in order to reach my goal, but i am confident i can make it by my self imposed deadline. and if i cannot make it in time, i will not give up and consider it a failure, i will just keep trying until i get there. i’ve also been paying a little more attention to my attire. for a long time now it has been zero effort. i just didn’t care. well, screw that. i do care. i purged myself of 2 giant garbage bags worth of old clothing this weekend. and i have purchased for myself a few new items which make me feel good about myself. and i plan on continuing to do so. i am not reinventing myself, just going back to who i used to be a few years back. i’ve also changed my hair cut. not sure on what it will finally end up as, as i still need to grow some out more, but it makes me happy to do so. and then more recently, and most dramatically, i have cut my beard down quite short. shorter than it has been in a decade at least. i like it. reactions from others so far are… interesting. l said he loves it, and gave me a hug. z covered her face and then gave me a reluctant thumbs up. k said she doesn’t like it. c said i look very handsome. a said i look so good. j&k came over last night and they were split on opinions as well. j loves it. he says it took 15 years off me and just looking at me makes HIM feel younger. k thinks it is too short, but said not much else.

all part of some big plan to make lemonade, right?

anyhow… that’s what’s happening right now. i’m sure my creative writing juices will be replenished soon. i the mean time, i will make little updates here and there… and perhaps shitpost a little too.

edit: i almost forgot! last night i cooked a fucking spectacular thanksgiving feast.

rainy day, everyone is low energy so we cancelled our tour and decided to just relax in and around the apartment.

lots of napping and tv, punctuated by beer.

walking tour of the castle and castle grounds today. although very impressive and interesting, I’ve already done this tour a couple times and the fatigue from the day before is really affecting the other guys.

still did about 15k steps of touring with a guide but just after lunch we called it quits, had a few beers and something to eat and then headed back to the apartment to meet up with a (prague a)

the late afternoon was spent in a lovely beer garden where I got seriously lost in my own head for a bit. there was a couple at the table next to us that captivated me. the way she smiled at him, the way he gently touched her hand, the way they laughed together… argh. i couldn’t help but stare and be envious. thankfully they were so focused on each other that the whole world could be staring and they would never have even noticed.

finally when it was time to leave the beer garden we headed out to dinner at a steak house I had been to before. It was just as good as I remembered. Everyone I think thoroughly enjoyed themselves.

as a nightcap we finally relented and brought j to a gentleman’s club. despite my AMPLE warnings about what they are like and what to expect, he still got upset and angry about it. It’s too expensive, they’re too pushy, it’s all fake…

no shit dude. It’s a tourist trap strip club. I fucking told you exactly what would happen, how much it would cost and what to expect the whole time you’re there, and when EXACTLY that happens you get pissy about it? Hahaha gimme a break.

e also couldn’t handle it and faked a work emergency as soon as we got there.

oh well.

on a more positive note, plans to visit a are coming together. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I don’t want to say much about it and jinx everything though. I’m excited.