Category: :(

head down, get to work

i had an interesting conversation with a friend last week about what people say they want versus what they actually want and how those two things are usually not really the same…

for example, someone may ask you how you are doing. simple enough, right? they want to know about your well being. but, do they really? i think most of the time people want you and anyone else within ear shot to believe they want to know how you are doing, because that makes them a good and caring person, and it makes you, the recipient of that request feel good because someone is taking an interest in your well being… except, they don’t actually want to know how you are doing. they don’t actually care at all. actually, in many cases, they may even hold on to that information and use it as leverage against you!

oh steve, you are so cynical… yeah, maybe… except in this case i don’t think i really am. i think i am on the money here.

for most of the last year i have been on a journey of reinvention. i have been flipping everything upside down in order to find something, anything at all that might reverse the unhappiness and dissatisfaction i have felt with my life. i have tried everything i can think of and i am not saying no to anything (within reason of course, i’m not going to try heroin for funsies…).

my whole life i have never really shared anything deeply personal, or important, with anyone. feelings have always been internalized and bottled up. so one of the things i wanted to try was to start talking about my feelings more. to open up to people. to trust them. and you know what? it has been mostly an abject failure! with only 2 exceptions, every single person i have opened up to has taken what i have told them and either used it against me in some way, or judged me severely and have subsequently treated me differently.

so… what lessons do i have to learn here? perhaps opening up about how you feel really is not a great idea? maybe it is better to just shut up and keep it all to yourself? what is more selfish, sharing how you feel with someone in hopes they can understand or somehow help you with whatever it is you’re dealing with, or not letting them know anything in order to protect yourself from possible mistreatment? both are incredibly self serving. which is worse?

i’m starting to lean on the side of just keeping your mouth shut.

as said by lisa simpson… “tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth a remove all doubt.”

maybe there is more than an ounce of truth in that.

anxious

the last few days have been filled with reflection and thought. i’ve had some pretty strong and arguably irrational, or even unfair reactions recently and i do not like it. i do not like how it makes me feel. i do not like how it makes those around me feel either.

ultimately, there are things i can control, and there are things i cannot.

i need to focus on the things i can control and try to ignore the things i cannot. or perhaps not ignore, but rather, acknowledge and accept.

there is no need to obsess. there is no need to get upset. there is no need to analyze or figure out. it is what it is, and i have no control over it. end of story.

i’m looking forward to the day that my life regains a little more stability. i think the current novelty, volatility and uncertainty is what is making things so difficult to navigate successfully.

i yearn for routine once more.

:(

hey asshole, it’s been a while. welcome back. did you remember the lesson you learned that spawned this whole journey? you didn’t did you? and now look where you find yourself. idiot.

you need to stop making up stories in your head. you need to stop imagining things that are not there. you need to make better choices. you need to show more restraint. you need to be more reserved. you need to shut your stupid fucking mouth.

you need to be ok with not being ok.

antiprogress?

so many things are held together with flimsy pieces of tape or bubble gum. when it’s all working smoothly it’s barely noticeable, things are happening, things are working, everything is moving forward.

but the moment things started coming apart, a closer scrutiny was needed. a tiny thread was pulled and it started unraveling something bigger which led to another lose bit which flaked off too easily which revealed another part with big rust holes which highlighted another thing which was installed upside down from the factory that in turn revealed a whole bunch of other parts that were out of alignment and slowly the whole thing has become rather overwhelming.

i don’t know how to fix all of this. i’m trying. there are so many things which i am improving. there are so many things which i am repairing. there are so many things which i am rebuilding from the ground up… but every day something new is revealed, a new set of problems, a new issue that can no longer be ignored…

one step forward and two steps back…

i wonder when that will reverse? it will start getting better, right? at some point? all of this effort can’t be for naught.

Okay.

i should probably believe that you actually have the best of intentions with this, but i just can’t. maybe not so much that you have bad intentions, but rather that your reasons are actually self serving and not as altruistic as you make them out to be.

perhaps i am too cynical? or perhaps i have been around people long enough that i know real altruism is impossibly rare.

but you know what, it’s fine. when i first heard about the whole “let them” theory i scoffed. it felt weak. it felt pathetic. if you want something you need to fight for it, right? i guess that’s how i have always looked at everything. you have to work hard to get the things you desire. you have to suffer in order to achieve your goals. you have to sacrifice in order to be happy. and maybe for a lot of things this is actually true, but i am coming around to the realization that maybe with people, with interpersonal relationships, that really is not the case.

that is not to say making any effort is futile, not at all. of course if you want to grow something with someone you need to show up, you need to care, you need to make efforts, you need to sacrifice, you need to compromise, you need to do all kinds of things… but you can’t make them do anything. do all of those things for YOU.

that last part is key. you have to do everything that your soul tells you that you need to do. you need to do all the things that show the world, and show yourself, the kind of person you are. but that’s where it ends. you have no control over what the other person does, nor can you influence it, nor guide it, nor force it. if you try, you might think you are successful if they do what you want, but in the end, they are going to resent you for it.

so let them do what they want to do. just accept it.

Just let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.
Let them lose you.
You were never theirs because you were always your own.
So let them.

Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.
Let them have a safe place in you.
Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.
Let them love you

-Cassie Philipps

how am i supposed to sleep?

things do not feel so great tonight. i’m trying so hard to keep my chin up, to focus on the positive, to think about the future… it’s not quite so easy though.

i don’t need much, but i do need a little bit. i do need something…

tonight feels like i have less than nothing.

i feel like i give and i give and in return, i get taken for granted. i give and i give and then i get asked for more. i give and i give and then i get ignored.

woe is me, i know. i’m sure i am seeing this without considering the efforts someone, somewhere has made towards reciprocity or even the efforts made for my sole benefit. i can’t help that. if i don’t see it, how can i consider it? faith? foolishness? naivety?

so what can i learn from this? what is the lesson here? should i be entirely self sufficient when it comes to my happiness? pardon my french, but that’s a load of shit. we’re social animals. our brains are literally wired for it. affection, companionship, understanding, comfort, love… all of those things are needs. and all of those things require another person.

what i wouldn’t give to be able to hold a hand right now.

sobriety

18 days into dry january and so far, it hasn’t been particularly challenging. well, that is to say, abstaining from alcohol and cannabis hasn’t been challenging. what is phenomenally challenging however is dealing with good friends who are heavily intoxicated.

that experience has been actually rather upsetting. especially when someone i care about is flirting with self destruction due to consumption.

last night the boys came by to jam, we all had a great time, most of the gang were quite tame. a couple drinks and one 420 break. everyone was feeling good but not wrecked. meanwhile i stuck to redbull, water and 2 corona 0.0% sunbrews (which are actually pretty convincingly corona…)

however j, on the other hand, decided it would be a good idea to guzzle down 4 large cans of high alcohol beer, have 2 healthy glasses of whiskey, eat an inappropriately large amount of psylocibin mushrooms and then top it all of by smoking 2 joints. all in a 3 hour period. to say he was inebriated would be a massive understatement.

i’m worried about him. i really am. i don’t know what to do about it either. i tried telling him, i tried reasoning with him, i tried even guilting him, all of it went completely unregistered. in one ear and out the other. and even worse is that it was followed with a “you don’t understand what i am going through, i need this”…

mother fucker. if there is ANYONE who understands EXACTLY what you are going through right now, it’s me. don’t give me that.

he’s been my best friend for over 30 years and he’s going to kill himself if he continues down this path and i don’t know how to help him.