my writing here has slowed to a snail’s pace. which i think is both good and bad at the same time. i think the main reason is that i have been scratching at a certain itch for so long now that it has become raw and continuing to scratch at it just hurts. i’ve also been very pleasantly distracted as of late which has kind of sucked the need to yell nonsense into the world out of me a bit.
but on the flip side, it’s a little scary to me that so much of my ability to feel ok is dependent on that kind of thing. i mean in some ways it’s amazing and beautiful and all the good things, but in other ways it just highlights that there is something very wrong with me. shouldn’t i just be able to be ok?
are most people just ok on their own? or do most people also need constant attention, affection, interest, companionship, dare i say it, love?
i’m meeting with linda again today. last week when i met with her the fallout was disastrous. i was a god damn mess for days. it didn’t feel good at all. the questions that came up made me feel like the worst person on the face of the planet. i’m worried today will be a repeat. i need to make some progress here. i need to actually figure something out. i need answers so i can come up with solutions.
i feel like we’re playing chicken. i’m both terrified and excited about it at the same time. i’m warning you right now, i’m not going to swerve first. is that what you want?
i’m feeling pretty confident that i have managed to make 2 new friends. granted, it’s early days, but so far i’m feeling pretty encouraged. it’s really nice. i think i really did need this. and it’s more than just having someone to talk to, but also having someone who legit wants to talk to me as well.
c, you are something else! wow, talk about putting my problems into perspective. thank you for asking, and caring about what i had to say and how i was feeling. you’ve not had an easy life and may not be in the best place yet, but you’re doing really well and i’m so impressed. no joke, inspired even. you indeed are a bit of a walking contradiction, your interests and passions seem to be diametrically opposed, i have never met someone like you before. we have lots of common interests though, and i think we’ve talked more in the last week than i’ve talked to anyone in the last year. i’ve really enjoyed it and it certainly has made me feel a lot more like me.
then there is a… mysterious and secretive a. i’m on to you! at first i was a bit doubtful, a bit reluctant. the only thing i knew about you was that you were also a reddit fiend. i opened up to you a bit and i think that maybe broke the ice enough for you to show me some of your true colors as well. you started off almost clinical even in the way you conversed, it was kind of off-putting. but lately you have warmed up significantly. i think you’re pretty amazing, and although you refuse to fess up to it, i think you’re doing something pretty amazing as well. maybe i’ll be able to gain your trust enough for you to tell me about it sometime. in the mean time, i really like talking to you.
of course, with these 2 wins, there was a lot of… well, not losses, but we’ll say ‘not successes’. the internet certainly has some interesting characters. out of the many failed conversations there is only one which is kind of sticking with me. a2, i’m sorry i had to stop talking to you so abruptly, you clearly need someone to talk to, but it’s not me. if you knew a bit more about what i’ve gone through lately you would understand. i hope you find someone who can fill that void for you.
holy moly. my thoughts are about as turbulent as the weather outside right now. thunder, lightning, overwhelming rain and even hail all made their presence very known this afternoon, followed by an unusual calm. mother nature, i’m with you on this one.
i had a video call with k8 this afternoon. i have not seen her face or heard her voice in so so long… she hasn’t aged a day, that isn’t to say she hasn’t changed though. she definitely seemed genuinely content, in control, or at least as much as you can be with little kids in your life. she seemed happy and that made me happy too. gone was the cloud of uncertainty that used to follow her around. anyhow, to say the whole thing wasn’t overwhelming, wonderful, nostalgic, exciting, heart wrenching, heartwarming, cathartic and even intimidating all at once (for me) would be an outright lie. words almost completely failed me. there are a million and one things, but everything just got caught in my throat.
it’s truly mind boggling how i can write and write and write and spill my guts through my fingertips, but as soon as there is eye contact, as soon as there are facial expressions, as soon as there are little noises of approval or disapproval, everything just grinds to a halt. when did that happen? why did that happen?
despite the mental road blocks, i am really happy the ice is broken now. i hope there is more to come.
a couple of things came up that i do need to deal with sooner rather than later however. the fact that k doesn’t know about any of this makes it somewhat uncomfortable for her. i am uncomfortable about it too. it’s making something harmless into something malicious. but i’m convinced that telling her will only hurt her. that’s the very last thing i want. of course if she finds out on her own, it will likely hurt more. i’m not sure what the solution is here. i’m not even sure there is one where no one loses. maybe the best thing is to be honest, and then live with the consequences, though i worry that will just foster even more resentment.
and then there’s precipitating events that triggered this to even happen in the first place. i know i need to talk about it but i’m so damn worried. worried that it will taint whatever memories or history exist in her head. worried that it will make me look like a cretin, a deviant, a degenerate in her eyes. but why do i care so much? why is this so important to me? why is the opinion of someone who i haven’t even spoken to in so long and isn’t actually a present force in my life this heavy on my heart? i don’t fucking know, but it is.
there’s so much more i want to say, but maybe i should sleep on things and digest a little.
i’m struggling to even put words down this morning.
through out the day yesterday and into last night i felt like i was in a sort of trance. going through the motions of daily responsibilities, not outwardly showing anything other than my normal self, but inside my head, things were anything but calm, cool and collected.
i was asked recently “what is it you actually want to happen?”, which of course sounds like an easy question to answer, right? the problem is, it really isn’t. and the more i dwell on it, the more complicated and unreachable the answer becomes.
the truth is, at least i think, i don’t really know what i want to happen. i feel like i’ve painted myself into a corner and what i want to happen is just no longer an important consideration. it’s a lose/lose proposition where it’s no longer about what i want, but what am i prepared to give up? what can i afford to give up?
hey, why can’t i get you out of my head? this weekend i caught myself daydreaming a few times and it was entirely about you. i thought about little comments you made here and there that likely meant nothing at all to you, but my stupid head has decided to overinflate into some kind of meaningful sign or something. a compliment, a thank you, even just asking me about something that you knew was important to me. all over analyzed and picked apart in an effort to justify something that doesn’t exist.
writing this out, i clearly recognize the mental mountains i am making from molehills, like seriously, polite banter isn’t that deep. despite knowing and recognizing that, my less logical thoughts continue to betray me.
i wish we could have met under different circumstances. circumstances that would have allowed for something a little more normal. could we have actually been friends? do we have enough in common? do we have anything in common?
i want to believe so, but my judgement is clearly not to be trusted, so maybe i am just fooling myself again.
edit: i am so mad at myself right now. i did the thing i told myself i wouldn’t. it was only for a literal second and i feel like my chest is about to explode.
slightly different format today. instead of individual songs, today is about a band in general because i simply cannot pick one song. these guys are in the apartment next door to dashboard confessional in my heart.
i guess to make it a little more digestible, perhaps i can narrow things down to one album in particular, Talon of the Hawk.
something about the simplicity of their music, brian’s limited yet effective vocal capacity, and the subject matter of their lyrics just gets me every time. like seriously, sometimes i listen to this album and the only thoughts going through my head circle around to various permutations of “are you me?”
i wrote a little blurb for each one, but after re-reading it, i’ve decided to instead just post the songs and let you experience it all for yourself without any color commentary.
oh, and yes, their band name is a deliciously self deprecating reference to vaginas.
in this house there is a long standing affinity for couch sleeping that i do not understand.
without fail, there will be someone on the couch every night of the week. i’m the only one who does not partake in this bizarre ritual. to be fair, z doesn’t do it that often any more either. but the other 2… every night.
i kind of understand why the boy does it. when he was younger, it was a fear thing. scared of the dark. the living room is right next to mom and dad’s room, unlike his bedroom which is all the way up the stairs. now, it’s a little different. we don’t live close enough to his friends that he can ride his bike or walk there, and the public transit system here is not exactly convenient either, not that that option is even on the table at this age, so his lifeline to his friends is largely through videogames. the xbox is in the living room and to ensure exclusive access to it as soon as day breaks, what better option is there than to be in the living room, monopolizing the couch before anyone else wakes up? as the one who is always up first, it is quite frustrating to not be able to enjoy my morning coffee in the living room, but i can respect the hustle.
k on the other hand… i don’t get it. why? it’s not comfortable, not by a longshot. it’s not dark, it’s not quiet, you end up being awake as soon as anyone else gets up. then you end up being miserable all day because of miscellaneous aches and pains and lack of sleep. so what is the appeal? i struggle to not take it personally sometimes.
when i was younger, my dad used to sleep on the couch a lot too. my parents never really talked about that, but it was around the time he left and went to Florida for a few months, leaving the rest of us behind. the story, or at least as much as i can remember, is that he went to look for a job and a house, and the plan was to relocate us all once he found everything.
that never ended up happening of course, and he eventually came back. as a kid, i never questioned any of it. why would my parents lie to me, right? but now, being much older and wiser (lol) i really wonder how much truth there was to that story, if any at all?
i’ve been posting lists of songs with no context. maybe it’s the lack of sleep, maybe it’s the 2 rebulls and 2 coffees i’ve had, but right now i am motivated to write, and i’m thinking maybe i should explain why i have posted each and every one of these songs. because each one has a story and/or deeper meaning. at least for me.
i really want to stay at your house is from the original soundtrack of Cyberpunk 2077 released in december 2020, written and performed by let’s eat grandma, but credited to rosa walton and hallie coggins. it’s song from a video game i have been following since its very first teaser was released over a decade ago. it’s set in night city a fictional near future dystopian metropolis, and based on the original ttrpg by mike pondsmith from the late 80’s early 90’s.
as a teenager, cyberpunk and shadowrun were my obsession. mostly cyberpunk. i still have the original rulebooks somewhere here as well as a folder filled with character sheets and campaign settings. something about the whole near future distopia with corporate greed and cybernetic body modifications mixed with ultra violence just set my mind on fire. to be honest, it still does. i love movies, tv shows, videogames, anything set in a similar type of scenario. it’s so hopeless, depressing and unfair and yet so ridiculously lucrative to those who figure out how to play the game. imbalance is everywhere and if you’re on the wrong end of the seesaw, it’s game over choom.
but this isn’t a review of Cyberpunk the ttrpg, nor is it an analysis of Cyberpunk 2077 the game, instead, this is about my connection to this song, and although it was definitely a jam in the game driving through the streets of night city, it really cemented itself in my soul when i watched Edgerunners on netflix.
if you haven’t seen it yet, then stop here, go watch it.
no for real. stop reading this and go watch it.
i don’t care if you don’t like anime. i don’t care if you don’t like the premise. none of that matters, because what Edgerunners does is tell an amazing and ultimately crushing story that will absolutely make you feel something. if it doesn’t leave you struck with intense feelings of despair, emptiness, unfairness, sadness, depression even, then you just might not be a human.
and this song is the god damn crescendo of it all. it’s the ptsd trigger that gives you flashbacks. it fucking kills you all over again every. god. damn. time.
david, lucy, rebecca, maine, dorio, pilar, kiwi, hell even faraday are all so relatable it’s scary. the studio that did it, trigger, are masters at making you feel a connection to the characters (watch delicious in dungeon). at least for me, the relationship between lucy and david in particular broke me. like grown ass man sitting on the couch crying watching a cartoon broken.
this scene in particular affected me in ways i cannot even put into words. i don’t know if it was just being so immersed that i felt what david must have been feeling, if it was something i wanted to experience for myself again, if it was just remembering past loves, or maybe something else entirely, regardless, all the feels. you hear me? all of them!
and then when the song plays again at the end of the series… i’m dead. fucking dead.
so, i’m telling you. watch it. you won’t regret it. or actually, you probably will, but you’ll thank me for it anyways.
edit: i forgot to mention, lucy > rebecca. fight me.
i slept again last night. like the whole night. my alarm woke me up and i even snoozed it. i am so confused.
i’m incredibly thankful to have the relief that sleep brings, but i am worried about why after like a month of insomnia this has suddenly changed.
talking to you, is obviously the first thing that comes to mind. i’m really trying not to fuck that up because talking to you does make me happy and i don’t want it to stop, i also actually do care about your feelings as well and don’t want to hurt them. but i can barely trust my judgement and thoughts lately.
am i actually doing something helpful and healthy right now, or am i just digging a bigger hole and convincing myself otherwise?
