Category: <3

choice

i’ve been up, on and off, since 2am. this seems to be my new pattern now. falling asleep from exhaustion and then, just as my batteries charge up enough to reboot, my brain turns back on and sleep is once again an impossibility.

i kind of prefer the alternate version of insomnia that i used to have, when i just could not actually fall asleep until very late (or early depending on your perspective) but then would sleep soundly until my alarm went off. at least then i was semi productive at night. this new version of insomnia leaves me a zombie for hours and hours on end, just staring at the wall.

this morning i’ve been thinking about divorce, separation, whatever you want to call it. i am trying to make a choice and it is so messed up. it feels like there are no obvious right answers. it’s just choosing what kind of suck i want my life to be.

i can stay, and basically give up any hope of ever feeling romantic love again, at least not without literal mountains of guilt and shame attached. BUT, that saves everything i have built over the last 18 years. the lifestyle i have, the home i live in, the family and friends around me.

or i can go, destroying everything. my lifestyle would change dramatically, my home would be sold, some family and friends would surely be lost. BUT, it opens the door to me possibly finding love again. it provides me the possibility to rebuild things. this option is about the possibility of something new. the only thing is, it is just that, a possibility, not a certainty. i could very well end up throwing it all away and finding nothing, being able to rebuild nothing.

—

stay and pretend to be happy to save what i already have, or leave and risk it all on the possibility of something better?

i know what i have to choose, but it is so hard to admit. it is so hard to commit to. it is so hard to even think about, nevermind actually talk about.

two thirds

was it really necessary to ambush me like that as soon as i got home. i mean sure, i know it was on your mind, of course it was on your mind, i knew that’s what would happen as soon as i mentioned anything in the first place.

maybe it’s my fault, maybe i should have anticipated this and been better prepared.

none the less, that was pretty inconsiderate.

i don’t think you were expecting me to say those things to you, were you? the things that bother me. the things that broke me. you accepted them, but then went about trying to explain how it was not your fault, not your responsibility, and then tried to explain how i am not doing enough. do you not see the irony in that? how that is literally the behavior that is slowly killing me? and then… icing on the cake… you mentioned the kids and how i do not spend enough time with them? how fucking dare you.

following this conversation, i know you believe things are different. you’re trying to be kind again. but, my dear, a few kind words cannot undo the years of unkindness just like that. i cannot change the way i feel so easily now that I have reached this breaking point.

you said something really funny though, that has very much stuck with me. you said you forgot i have emotions too. what the hell? am i that stoic? am i that walled up? i don’t feel like i am, but maybe? or maybe this is just another sign that the connection we may have once shared is irreparably severed?

stop it, you’re making it worse.

guilt is a funny thing. it makes you think, and do completely illogical things. you can know something with absolute certainty, with every fiber of your being, yet, guilt will make you think the opposite. guilt will make you doubt. guilt will make you compromise. guilt will make you procrastinate. guilt will make you consider alternatives. guilt will ultimately do everything in it’s power to deny you of the thing you know with absolute certainty.

i’ve known this feeling for a while now. longer than i am willing to admit. longer than anyone would be able to guess even, am i that good at pretending? i know i have to do something about it, and soon too. but the weight of the guilt surrounding this whole situation is suffocating. it is oppressive and there is no escape, there is no reprieve, there is no breathing room. in the moments after the words leave my lips i am hoping that i will be able to catch a breath, to have a sigh of relief, but i am worried the harsh reality will be that everything will get much, much worse before anything starts to get better and that the moment i open my mouth instead of catching a breath, i will instead be letting in the flood that will drown me.

perhaps i am being defeatist, perhaps i am being too dramatic, perhaps things will work out favorably? is that possible? is it something i should hope for or should i just brace for the worst possible outcome instead? i can’t say i have that much faith in humanity in general, even people who i have known nearly my entire life and are very dear to me have disappointed me more times than i can count. can i really expect compassion, understanding and acceptance in this situation? if the roles were reversed, how would i react? would i be compassionate, or would i be vengeful? would i be accepting, or would i be confrontational? would i be understanding, or would i reject everything? i’m not really sure. i guess it is impossible to know without being in the situation first hand.

i’m a bad communicator

i write to you more often than you know. i have whole conversations with you that you are not even privy to. i write you big long letters that share my ideas, thoughts, hopes, dreams, feelings, problems, worries, concerns, fears, everything and anything that fills my head… and then i don’t send it. i can’t send it.

maybe i am worried that i will upset you. maybe i’m worried you will not care. maybe i’m worried you will tell me i’m wrong. maybe i’m worried you will not say anything at all. i don’t know.

the more i write to you like this, the more things get confusing for me when we do talk. the line between what i have told you and what i have not gets blurrier and blurrier every day. and this only serves to upset me when you say certain things or respond in certain ways because part of me already told you about something directly related that would necessitate a different kind of response, only you’re not aware that i told you about that.

see through

a few comments have been made to me lately by people who don’t know shit that are a little too on the money. am i that see through?

maybe i am.

last night i made a comment i am not proud of. k asked me what i was looking for a 9v battery for, and instead of telling her what i was working on, i just said it was a project of mine and i’m not going to waste my time explaining it because she both would not understand and would not care. she immediately accepted that answer with an “oh… ok.” and then went back to watching TV. but i immediately felt like a bit of an ass the moment the words left my mouth.

that’s not how this should be.

play stupid games, win stupid prizes

there’s this stupid fucking game people play and i hate it. i figured this out when i was 15 and in almost every single relationship since then, it has presented itself in one way or another. the absolute worst part of it, is just because i recognize when it’s happening, doesn’t mean i am immune to it. as soon as someone starts the game, then both people are playing it whether the like it or not.

it’s like a kind of emotional contest where each party has their turn to offer and then counter offer until one person concedes and the game is over until the next round.

oversimplified. imagine it like this:

  • person 1 is sad.
  • person 2, decides that instead of helping person 1, they will make the case that they are indeed the more sad person in need of help.
  • person 1 can then either put their sad aside and help person 2, or double down and make the case they are even sadder than person 2, shifting the focus back to them.
  • lather, rinse, repeat, until someone gives in.

i’ve been forced into and ‘lost’ this game more times than i can count. it’s fucking poison and i hate it. why does it have to be a contest?

—

i see what you’re doing. i don’t know if you’re just picking up on the fact that i am not playing any more or if you saw something not intended for you, but this is not going to work. i know how you think this is going to go down. everything will be rainbows and unicorns and then when you’re feeling secure again, it can all go back to how it was before.

the problem is, you’re not focusing your efforts in the right place. the thing that needs work i don’t think is something you can fix. it’s not you, it’s me. and you can’t fix me, because i am not broken.

i’m done. all i need now is time to process. this is not something i take lightly, and it is not something i want to rush. am i completely certain about anything? of course not. but every day i am more and more sure.

this time, you can’t win the game.

unsent letters

i really need to stop visiting that subreddit. it’s sending me into tailspins over and over. it’s filled with the two main themes of my life right now, regret and hope, in a way that is so visceral and so real that my imagination is getting out of control.

is this really the path i am choosing to walk?

i’m not dead

dear blog, i owe you some posts. i’m working on it. i need to finish my munich stuff and then there are a few other things i am working on too. it’s coming.

it’s all in progress, i’m just not feeling the energy. i guess 4 days drinking in prague, 3 days drinking in munich and then getting some kind of cold on the way home will do that.

doubts and second guessing

over the last several months i’ve been questioning a lot of things. i’m discovering things i thought i knew with absolute certainty are not what i thought they were at all. i’m realizing i don’t actually know anything…

thinking and talking about this feels weird. i feel like such a hypocrite. how can i think something so strongly and then a short time later think the exact opposite? how can i be sure that my thoughts and feelings are not just betraying me right now and in another 2 months i’ll revert to my previous state, or maybe another state that i am not even aware exists currently? how can i make any kind of decisions based on this sort of flux?

a said something really interesting about this the other day that has given me a lot to think about. in her professional life she needs to make pretty big and important decisions all the time which can be completely life changing for the people involved. that type of decision making can ruin someone pretty quickly if you don’t have a rock solid method of justifying and coping with it. the way she described it was that she tries to make the best decisions possible, with the information that is currently available, not what might be available in the future. as long as the choices are made in good faith with what data is currently presented, then there can be no remorse, regret, etc… even if it turns out to be an unfortunate result, at least there is solace in knowing that at the time of the choice, the best option was selected.

the saying “hindsight is 20/20” comes to mind as well when thinking about this. so much of what was so fucking real not long ago i see differently now. just re-reading some of my posts here, i can see patterns, i can see errors in judgement, i can see the true motivations behind the lies i tell myself. i wish there was some kind of way to filter all the noise and see just the raw data without all of the emotional cloudiness surrounding it. knowing this about myself makes everything that much more difficult. how can i choose something now, knowing that i can’t really trust my own thoughts? not choosing something is also a choice though, isn’t it? how can i live with that knowing that with all currently available data, it’s not what i want either? i am not making the best possible choice in good faith, i am just living with the status quo because i am scared.

the more i think about it, the more twisted and convoluted it gets. the more i second guess everything. the more i question every single detail. and the deeper i go into this conflictual state of limbo. i don’t know what to do.