Category: <3

i write to you more often than you know. i have whole conversations with you that you are not even privy to. i write you big long letters that share my ideas, thoughts, hopes, dreams, feelings, problems, worries, concerns, fears, everything and anything that fills my head… and then i don’t send it. i can’t send it.

maybe i am worried that i will upset you. maybe i’m worried you will not care. maybe i’m worried you will tell me i’m wrong. maybe i’m worried you will not say anything at all. i don’t know.

the more i write to you like this, the more things get confusing for me when we do talk. the line between what i have told you and what i have not gets blurrier and blurrier every day. and this only serves to upset me when you say certain things or respond in certain ways because part of me already told you about something directly related that would necessitate a different kind of response, only you’re not aware that i told you about that.

there’s this stupid fucking game people play and i hate it. i figured this out when i was 15 and in almost every single relationship since then, it has presented itself in one way or another. the absolute worst part of it, is just because i recognize when it’s happening, doesn’t mean i am immune to it. as soon as someone starts the game, then both people are playing it whether the like it or not.

it’s like a kind of emotional contest where each party has their turn to offer and then counter offer until one person concedes and the game is over until the next round.

oversimplified. imagine it like this:

• person 1 is sad.
• person 2, decides that instead of helping person 1, they will make the case that they are indeed the more sad person in need of help.
• person 1 can then either put their sad aside and help person 2, or double down and make the case they are even sadder than person 2, shifting the focus back to them.
• lather, rinse, repeat, until someone gives in.

i’ve been forced into and ‘lost’ this game more times than i can count. it’s fucking poison and i hate it. why does it have to be a contest?

—

i see what you’re doing. i don’t know if you’re just picking up on the fact that i am not playing any more or if you saw something not intended for you, but this is not going to work. i know how you think this is going to go down. everything will be rainbows and unicorns and then when you’re feeling secure again, it can all go back to how it was before.

the problem is, you’re not focusing your efforts in the right place. the thing that needs work i don’t think is something you can fix. it’s not you, it’s me. and you can’t fix me, because i am not broken.

i’m done. all i need now is time to process. this is not something i take lightly, and it is not something i want to rush. am i completely certain about anything? of course not. but every day i am more and more sure.

this time, you can’t win the game.

i really need to stop visiting that subreddit. it’s sending me into tailspins over and over. it’s filled with the two main themes of my life right now, regret and hope, in a way that is so visceral and so real that my imagination is getting out of control.

is this really the path i am choosing to walk?

over the last several months i’ve been questioning a lot of things. i’m discovering things i thought i knew with absolute certainty are not what i thought they were at all. i’m realizing i don’t actually know anything…

thinking and talking about this feels weird. i feel like such a hypocrite. how can i think something so strongly and then a short time later think the exact opposite? how can i be sure that my thoughts and feelings are not just betraying me right now and in another 2 months i’ll revert to my previous state, or maybe another state that i am not even aware exists currently? how can i make any kind of decisions based on this sort of flux?

a said something really interesting about this the other day that has given me a lot to think about. in her professional life she needs to make pretty big and important decisions all the time which can be completely life changing for the people involved. that type of decision making can ruin someone pretty quickly if you don’t have a rock solid method of justifying and coping with it. the way she described it was that she tries to make the best decisions possible, with the information that is currently available, not what might be available in the future. as long as the choices are made in good faith with what data is currently presented, then there can be no remorse, regret, etc… even if it turns out to be an unfortunate result, at least there is solace in knowing that at the time of the choice, the best option was selected.

the saying “hindsight is 20/20” comes to mind as well when thinking about this. so much of what was so fucking real not long ago i see differently now. just re-reading some of my posts here, i can see patterns, i can see errors in judgement, i can see the true motivations behind the lies i tell myself. i wish there was some kind of way to filter all the noise and see just the raw data without all of the emotional cloudiness surrounding it. knowing this about myself makes everything that much more difficult. how can i choose something now, knowing that i can’t really trust my own thoughts? not choosing something is also a choice though, isn’t it? how can i live with that knowing that with all currently available data, it’s not what i want either? i am not making the best possible choice in good faith, i am just living with the status quo because i am scared.

the more i think about it, the more twisted and convoluted it gets. the more i second guess everything. the more i question every single detail. and the deeper i go into this conflictual state of limbo. i don’t know what to do.

i feel like we’re playing chicken. i’m both terrified and excited about it at the same time. i’m warning you right now, i’m not going to swerve first. is that what you want?

i think its what i want.

time for a reddit friend update!

i’m feeling pretty confident that i have managed to make 2 new friends. granted, it’s early days, but so far i’m feeling pretty encouraged. it’s really nice. i think i really did need this. and it’s more than just having someone to talk to, but also having someone who legit wants to talk to me as well.

c, you are something else! wow, talk about putting my problems into perspective. thank you for asking, and caring about what i had to say and how i was feeling. you’ve not had an easy life and may not be in the best place yet, but you’re doing really well and i’m so impressed. no joke, inspired even. you indeed are a bit of a walking contradiction, your interests and passions seem to be diametrically opposed, i have never met someone like you before. we have lots of common interests though, and i think we’ve talked more in the last week than i’ve talked to anyone in the last year. i’ve really enjoyed it and it certainly has made me feel a lot more like me.

then there is a… mysterious and secretive a. i’m on to you! at first i was a bit doubtful, a bit reluctant. the only thing i knew about you was that you were also a reddit fiend. i opened up to you a bit and i think that maybe broke the ice enough for you to show me some of your true colors as well. you started off almost clinical even in the way you conversed, it was kind of off-putting. but lately you have warmed up significantly. i think you’re pretty amazing, and although you refuse to fess up to it, i think you’re doing something pretty amazing as well. maybe i’ll be able to gain your trust enough for you to tell me about it sometime. in the mean time, i really like talking to you.

of course, with these 2 wins, there was a lot of… well, not losses, but we’ll say ‘not successes’. the internet certainly has some interesting characters. out of the many failed conversations there is only one which is kind of sticking with me. a2, i’m sorry i had to stop talking to you so abruptly, you clearly need someone to talk to, but it’s not me. if you knew a bit more about what i’ve gone through lately you would understand. i hope you find someone who can fill that void for you.