Category: <3

forget it.

i feel a little broken today. things are not going how i had hoped they would.

how could you say that to me? how did you think i would react? what did you expect would come of that? nothing good for sure. so why?

i’m fucking trying to keep things together, but it’s not easy. i am fucking trying to spare everyone’s feelings as much as possible at the expense of my own. i’m fucking trying to be clear, concise and consistent with everything i say and do to make things easier for you.

and yes, the irony of me saying this whilst also being in the very center of a most selfish act on my part is palpable. i get that.

i wish you could see. i wish you could understand. i wish you could appreciate, even if only slightly, the effort that i am putting towards this none the less.

have i mistaken you for someone you are not? have i totally misunderstood your previous words? have i completely miscalculated everything?

perhaps i do need to be more selfish? perhaps i do need to put me first? why should i put so much thought and consideration into how you feel when the reciprocity is not quite there?

or maybe today is just a bad fucking day and i am overthinking everything.

may i am not that much of a disappointment after all?

i told my parents last night. i don’t know what i was expecting, but i was dreading this conversation so much. i was afraid of how they would react. i was afraid they would be disappointed in me specifically. i was afraid they would want to get involved and try to “fix” things.

my parents’ desire to help, to get involved and insert themselves into situations is well known and well observed, but it’s always done from a place of caring, from a place of genuinely wanting to help. though sometimes, for some people, it is not seen that way and is instead seen as meddling.

anyhow, the conversation went very differently than i was expecting. they were sad of course, but i explained what was going on, and the basic logistical facts. and then i told them that this is was ok, that i go this. i told them i was not a “victim” here and i want this. that seemed to satisfy any questions they may have had.

the visit was ended with them simply offering whatever help i needed, i just need to ask.

forward

things are slowly starting to get better. it’s the initial impact that seems to be the worst part every single time, the initial reaction. then once absorbed and processed slightly, it dulls a bit, becomes much less sharp.

between k and i things are slowly starting to return back to “normal” in the sense that we’re slowly returning back to the same way we’ve been for YEARS now, but without the denial around the disfunction. which is actually what i think we both need to move forward. we have a very close group of friends to break the news to, ideally together, starting with e&c later today, though their daughter already spilled the beans, so we’ll see how that goes. i’m also going to go with k to some open houses to be helpful and supportive. the housing market is almost as bad as the car market has been for the past few years. things are all over the place. there are deals to be had, but there are scams and rip offs everywhere.

the kids’ initial reaction was devastating to me. i’ve never felt that kind of hurt before. i don’t ever want to do that again. the way it all went down, in hindsight, was kind of stacked against me from the start. i was the the one doing all the talking, i was the bad guy breaking the news, i was the one who immediately was assumed to be the perpetrator of this situation entirely… and mom was the good cop. she came in with the comfort after the damage was done. neither kid would talk to me until the next day. that really hurt.

with l, things are going a bit better now. we went for a nice walk yesterday and he’s still a little sad, but coming around to the realization that not much is going to change for him, other than he will have a second house.

z on the other hand… i don’t know. she was already so full of piss and vinegar that i can’t really tell how she feels about anything. at the very least, she’s no longer giving me the silent treatment, but she’s not really saying much. i’m going to keep trying.

progress of sorts

i wrote you a long letter spelling out everything because talking to you about it was getting nowhere. every time i started, one of us would start to get emotional and then it just would no longer be productive. but then last night we managed to talk a little bit and, for the most part, keep our heads.

i am really encouraged by the steps forward you seem to have taken. i know this is a bit of a nightmare and for you it is very sudden, like a bomb going off in your hands, but you have to understand that for me, this is not a bomb, but a slowly simmering fire that has been burning for years now. i’m sorry if i seem less affected, i assure you i am just as invested as you are, i have just built up a few more defenses against the hurt.

there is still so much more to do, i do not expect it to happen over night, but if we can keep inching forward, i think we can both get to a place where we can start healing soon enough.

i am glad that we agree the next step is to sit down and crunch some numbers so we can have a bit of a game plan and then talk to the kids. i know we can do this.

baby steps

although things went a bit sideways at one point, it did not last too long and then there was actually a bit of a productive conversation.

i also spoke with my therapist again, that helped keep my head on straight.

last but not least, i made a new reddit friend who is going through a very similar scenario, maybe a couple months ahead. it’s definitely both interesting, and helpful to speak with someone and not worry about them thinking you’re a monster.

i’m the bad guy

the first night was confusion, sadness. that was hard. but last night was sadness and anger. last night was laying blame and directing it on me. last night was about justifying your own behavior so that you can be the innocent victim. last night took my heart and ground it into the dirt. i know it is only going to get worse, but i have not become numb yet, so this is still so very difficult.

i have to maintain my composure, i can’t give in to this conflict. i have to do everything in my power to make sure this is amicable, that this ends on good terms. it’s important.

i will not go to war, i will not use my children as weapons, i will not lay blame or vilify anyone. i will be the bad guy if that’s what you need me to be. i will listen to you tell me how awful of a person i am and not argue. i will take it in when you tell me i am destroying everything and that i am being selfish so that you feel blameless. i will not fight back. i know you’re angry. i understand. i’m sorry that you’re angry. i would like to promise you that it will all be ok, but i don’t know that it will be. in the meantime, you can hate me if it makes you feel better. i owe you that much.

asshole

i keep trying to remind myself of why and how i got here and it makes sense for a minute, but that minute is fleeting. that minute is quickly replaced by panic and guilt. that minute is squashed by anger and frustration targeted directly at me. that minute is wiped out by fear and by the worry that i have doomed myself and those around me to pain and sadness.

it hurts. and i know i am hurting her too. and i am about to hurt them. all because of what? why the hell did i think this would be better? what the fuck man? boo hoo, you’re not happy. who CARES?! who says you deserve happy? especially after this, you think you deserve happy? you’re BREAKING someone you care about. what the hell even is happy for you anyways? you did this to yourself and you fucking know it. and now others are going to suffer because of you. idiot.

you fucked everything up and you deserve whatever is coming your way. stop trying to find a sympathetic ear, you won’t find one, you don’t deserve one, go fuck yourself.

i’m sorry

i told k last night that i was unhappy with our relationship, that i feel like it is broken and not reparable, and that i have felt this way for a long time. i told her i do still love her, i am not angry and i don’t want to fight but we should end things.

i thought there was going to be some kind of feeling of relief. i thought there might be some kind of positive aspect despite the very sad and upsetting reality of the situation. i thought i might feel hopeful, at least a little bit…

instead all i feel is guilt, shame, sadness, self hatred even. it’s worse today than it has ever been. i feel like now instead of just feeling pain in my head and heart, i have inflicted pain on other people i care about and it is just amplifying what my own emotions are.

i want to take it all back and just live with all that pain myself, alone, forever. i don’t want to cause this hurt for other people.

this is not what i was expecting. i don’t know what to do.

it didn’t come, it doesn’t matter

another early morning. 3 am i was up, not able to sleep any more. 4 am i got out of bed. 5 am i made a coffee… and now 6 am i am here writing.

i had a good conversation with my therapist yesterday. she said something which i haven’t been able to stop thinking about when i was talking to her about making this choice. i told her what my options were, to either accept what i have and make the best of it, or change everything with the hopes of finding something more fulfilling… and she asked me, well, no, actually she kind of told me that if i chose option 1, with everything she had learned about me so far, it would only be a matter of time before my heart started overpowering my brain once more.

it took me a minute to understand what she was saying, but ultimately it did process, and i think she’s right. i can pretend everything is ok, i can even try to make things better, but i cannot undo any of the past and it will always be there. if i cannot live with that, then i cannot live with that. and i think i have reached the point where i cannot live with that.

so, that’s scary.

i wanted to talk to k about it last night, but she was not feeling well and i chickened out. i don’t want to go to war. i don’t want trouble. i just want everyone to have a chance at happiness. so bringing this up again when she’s in pain is not a good idea, right? am i just making excuses and avoiding it… maybe…

maybe today i will have the courage to do it.