Category: <3

the last little while has felt very much like everything is in limbo or stasis. at least for me, nothing is moving in any direction. it’s as though there is a traffic jam.

you know when there is an accident on the highway, but one that happens in such a way that it does not block traffic at all, like when a car slides off the road and into a ditch, or if the force of the accident knocks all involved vehicles onto the shoulder? when those types of accidents happen, the road is clear, yet a traffic jam forms anyways, or more specifically a traffic knot. everyone slows down as they pass the accident to gawk at it. which causes the vehicle behind them to also slow down, which then causes the next one in line to slow down and so on. this traffic ripple can end up going back for miles in some cases, and what makes it worse is that each car that passes the accident slows down again and causes their own ripple or knot.

there’s nothing you can do when this happens, you just need to wait and be patient, and then, even though it makes almost no difference in the grand scheme of things, when it is your turn to pass the accident, don’t slow down, keep going, don’t cause a ripple yourself. or do, for you it doesn’t matter so much anymore, because once you pass the accident, you’re in the clear. so i guess it depends on how selfish or altruistic you are at that point.

i feel like i am in a traffic jam right now. i know what my destination is, i know what i want, i have my bags packed, the car is loaded, i checked that the stove was off and i left some lights on to make it look like someone was still home. i put the coordinates into the gps, i made sure i had a full tank of gas, i checked the oil, tire pressures and windshield washer fluid. i even left a little early… yet i still got stuck in traffic and there is nothing i can do about it.

i would be lying if i said this was not frustrating and that i was not getting impatient, but there is nothing really i can do. unless i decide to break the law and drive on the shoulder, or off in the field next to the highway. if i attempt to do that though, i risk damaging my car even more and possibly not making it to my destination at all.

so i must be patient. i must sit in this traffic and try to make the best of it. i need to listen to some good music, i need to clear my thoughts, i need to observe the world around me and try to learn from it while i am here. i need to rest. i need to take some deep breaths. i’m going to make it eventually, i just need to be patient and wait for the cars ahead of me to pass by this accident.

i see the weight you softly bear,
though you’ve not spoken what is there.
no need for words, no need to say,
i’m here for you in every way.

a quiet light, a steady flame,
no questions asked, no need for name.
just know, when clouds obscure your view,
there’s someone here who cares for you.

take all the time you need to mend,
i’ll be your calm, your quiet friend.
for all i wish, in heart and part,
is peace to find your precious heart.

i know why you didn’t answer,
why your words hang heavy in the air,
a quiet void that speaks volumes.
i told you it was fine—
and it is,
but the weight presses harder each moment
you choose not to speak.

please, just say it.
tell me, and let the truth cut clean.
better the sharp sting of honesty
than this slow bleed of uncertainty,
where i play the clown,
masking my questions with trembling smiles,
only to crumble in the silence
that follows me home.

you are allowed to change your mind.
you can call this too much,
too fast,
or too wrong.
you can say it was a mistake—
a fleeting shadow of something
that was never meant to grow roots.
it will hurt, yes.
but i would bear it.
just fucking tell me.

or am i wrong?
is this silence your shield,
a fortress of fear or doubt,
because trust has its limits
and you can’t let me in?
is it easier to leave me grasping at shadows
than to risk being seen,
raw and unguarded?

i don’t like this game,
this guessing,
this limbo.
speak, or don’t—
but know i am unraveling
in the quiet between us.

i want to lose myself in your eyes,
i need your voice to calm my skies.

i want to tell you every thought,
i need your truths, both cold and hot.

i want to feel your soul laid bare,
i need to know your wounds, your care.

i want your words, unfiltered, raw,
i need your love without a flaw.

i want to share my every scar,
i need you close, no matter how far.

i want no games, no fear, no doubt,
i need us both to just pour out.

i want no rules, no script to choose,
i need the space to make our rules.

i want a song that only we know,
i need a tune that lets our love grow.

i want each note to pull us near,
i need your voice, the music i hear.

i want the courage to leap, to trust,
i need the kind of love that’s just us.

i want a rhythm we can create,
i need a love that bends to fate.

i’m terrified to admit it, even here in this private place. writing out the words that express how i feel seems impossible. paralyzing even.

whether i confess or not, whether i write it down or say it aloud, the feelings and thoughts are there. i know this, and yet, i am still scared to write it down, as if writing it will somehow change things.

but maybe, just maybe, it will change something? maybe i need to put it out there and let the words previously only in my head take their own place in the world? maybe i also need to tell you explicitly, even though i thought it was obvious. perhaps it isn’t.