Category: <3

the last time i wrote anything was almost 2 weeks ago. i feel the effects of that, it is palpable in my mood, in my thought process in my emotional regulation, in my routine, in everything.

i have to commit to daily writing again. even if i have nothing to say. i need to do it for my own well being before i deteriorate further.

a lot has happened in these last 2 weeks. a lot of things which have really twisted and bent my soul into new and uncomfortable shapes. it’s hard to focus on the things which are going right currently because of that, there is so much negativity, it is overwhelming.

k has moved out, that happened on feb 14, of all days. i am bitter about that. additionally, there was no plan for anyone else to help, so i was the singular source of muscle in this operation. the day left me broken physically, mentally and emotionally.

the following day i started rebuilding my environment, first things first, couch delivery and assembly. i was hoping for some kind of help, some kind of moral support, some kind of emotional companionship in this. i had mentioned that to a, but instead of getting anything of the sort, i was left on read all day only be to prompted with a “how was your day?” in the evening. perhaps it was not fair for me to expect anything more, but i did anyways and i was left even more broken than the day before.

k, on her end, was not fairing much better. although she did have c and k, j and n all come to her side and help her, it was not enough to compensate for the overwhelming disaster which was to ensue. it started with a leaky bathtub (which i fixed for her) and continued with a leaky bathroom window followed by a leaky kitchen window which then lead to a leaky basement with water under the floor and culminated with a leaky ceiling in an upstairs bedroom. all within 72 hours. suffice it to say, this is what they would call a “vis cache” here in quebec, or a hidden defect the sellers tried to sneak past everyone… regardless of that though, after calling the insurance and having disaster crews come by, she is left with a half torn apart house, drywall and flooring ripped up, fans, dehumidifiers, mold inhibitor chemicals… all things which make living in that home a challenge. returning it to a livable state will cost tens of thousands which her insurance is likely to deny her, and will require her to hire a lawyer to go after the seller for. in the meantime… she can’t have the kids of cats at her place.

and of course, as you may have been able to guess, this was indirectly blamed on me. “i only bought this house because it was available and knew you wanted me out of your hair as soon as possible” is a statement that when said to me fucking stabbed me right through my heart. the guilt, the shame, the regret, everything that washed over me in that moment was, and continues to be unbearable. but bear it i must.

adjacent to all of this, last night i had a long talk with a about things. it’s nothing good at this point. seems like i bring undesirable feelings there too.

everywhere i turn lately, i am a disappointment, i am a loser, i am a problem, i am a burden. it’s funny how sometimes when you feel like you have hit the bottom and will start inevitably rising back up, you then discover there are even further depths to which you can sink.

last night you said something to me and it really upset me. not because what you said was mean or anything like that, but because of how you see things.

i was making myself some tea and you said you’re seeing things in me you never thought you would ever see. you said i remind you of you when you are trying to be healthy.

ok first thing…. how do i even put this in to words? what exactly do you mean by that? did you never think i could possibly want to make my own personal existence better? i mean, i know i put myself on the side for a very long time and only focused on everyone around me, but still… that’s kind of hurtful, no? to say you never thought you would see me give a shit about myself? the assumption that i would forever disregard myself? maybe i am reading too much into this.

secondly though, i remind you of you? what… the… fuck… i’m sorry, but i do not see the comparison, and frankly, i am a little offended.

i’m happy i didn’t say anything and just let this slide though. i can’t permit an argument now… it’s almost time.

today you will sign the papers which signify the start of your independence. i know this will be difficult for you. i’d like to say i wish i could be there for you, but i don’t think i do. not out of malice mind you, but out of a weird twisted kindness of sorts. this is something you need to do without me. if i am there to support you though this, it will be impossible for you to gain the independence you require. you will continue to use me as a crutch, further eroding any goodness left inside of me.

i don’t want you to be sad, i don’t want you to be angry, i don’t want you to scream and cry and yell and punch a hole through the wall, but i know you will, and i think you need to do that to be able to process everything.

it’s going to be ok.

will you miss me? will you even really notice? you were never “mine” but i think sometimes you liked me best, right? once in a while, i was your choice? i know it wasn’t often, but i like to think that i was, at least sometimes.

i was never the food giver, but i was always there for head scritches, tummy rubs, butt pats, so much petting and chin rubs. all i ever wanted from you was to let me love you.

m, i’ll miss your hard leans and incessant drooling. i hope you feel safe in your new home and don’t always feel scared. i know exactly when that changed in you, when you became a scaredy cat, and i wish i could go back in time to prevent it, but that’s not how these things work. keep making those pathetic little meeps of yours, everyone laughs, but also everyone is so charmed by them too.

n, you fat fuck. i think i will miss you the most. you absolutely chose us that day when you and your siblings found your way into my back yard. the rest scattered into the field, but you walked right up to our back door with your little rat face and decided we were your people. i will miss our conversations, i will miss forcing you to snuggle under the covers, i will miss the way you grab on to my shoulder when i pick you up. you’re a good boy.

a, you’re new, you were supposed to be mine, but i knew you would not be from the start. that’s just what i was told in order for me to accept you into this home. but still, you managed to charm the heck out of me and i wish we could continue to get to know each other more. sadly, that will not happen now. keep being a menace. keep forcing the two boys to move around and be active, they’re both too fat and lazy. keep being adorable and curious and full of the loudest purrs.

in a week from now we will say goodbye. i’m sorry if i make it quick, i’m not sure i can handle a long goodbye, i can barely handle writing this note.

hey asshole, it’s been a while. welcome back. did you remember the lesson you learned that spawned this whole journey? you didn’t did you? and now look where you find yourself. idiot.

you need to stop making up stories in your head. you need to stop imagining things that are not there. you need to make better choices. you need to show more restraint. you need to be more reserved. you need to shut your stupid fucking mouth.

you need to be ok with not being ok.

i should probably believe that you actually have the best of intentions with this, but i just can’t. maybe not so much that you have bad intentions, but rather that your reasons are actually self serving and not as altruistic as you make them out to be.

perhaps i am too cynical? or perhaps i have been around people long enough that i know real altruism is impossibly rare.

but you know what, it’s fine. when i first heard about the whole “let them” theory i scoffed. it felt weak. it felt pathetic. if you want something you need to fight for it, right? i guess that’s how i have always looked at everything. you have to work hard to get the things you desire. you have to suffer in order to achieve your goals. you have to sacrifice in order to be happy. and maybe for a lot of things this is actually true, but i am coming around to the realization that maybe with people, with interpersonal relationships, that really is not the case.

that is not to say making any effort is futile, not at all. of course if you want to grow something with someone you need to show up, you need to care, you need to make efforts, you need to sacrifice, you need to compromise, you need to do all kinds of things… but you can’t make them do anything. do all of those things for YOU.

that last part is key. you have to do everything that your soul tells you that you need to do. you need to do all the things that show the world, and show yourself, the kind of person you are. but that’s where it ends. you have no control over what the other person does, nor can you influence it, nor guide it, nor force it. if you try, you might think you are successful if they do what you want, but in the end, they are going to resent you for it.

so let them do what they want to do. just accept it.

Just let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.
Let them lose you.
You were never theirs because you were always your own.
So let them.

Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.
Let them have a safe place in you.
Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.
Let them love you

-Cassie Philipps

i picked the wrong january to dry january.

things do not feel so great tonight. i’m trying so hard to keep my chin up, to focus on the positive, to think about the future… it’s not quite so easy though.

i don’t need much, but i do need a little bit. i do need something…

tonight feels like i have less than nothing.

i feel like i give and i give and in return, i get taken for granted. i give and i give and then i get asked for more. i give and i give and then i get ignored.

woe is me, i know. i’m sure i am seeing this without considering the efforts someone, somewhere has made towards reciprocity or even the efforts made for my sole benefit. i can’t help that. if i don’t see it, how can i consider it? faith? foolishness? naivety?

so what can i learn from this? what is the lesson here? should i be entirely self sufficient when it comes to my happiness? pardon my french, but that’s a load of shit. we’re social animals. our brains are literally wired for it. affection, companionship, understanding, comfort, love… all of those things are needs. and all of those things require another person.

what i wouldn’t give to be able to hold a hand right now.