i’ve not written anything in a while… having this page discovered and then read by an unintended audience has soured everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i don’t want to shirk any accountability for my own words and actions, but having this place sullied and ripped away from me left a vacuum. it removed a much needed pressure relief valve for me. it stole my only outlet for my more intrusive thoughts and left them trapped in my head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
the end result is that i have hurt people i care so much about, not intentionally, but because i didn’t, and if i am honest, still don’t know how to deal with these feelings and emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
—<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i am trying to come to terms with being alone. like really<\/em> alone. up until very recently i had someone i could reach out to all the time, about pretty much anything. and now… through my poor choices and inability to self regulate i have alienated everyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n that realization is depressing, and scary and also upsetting, but for other reasons than what you might anticipate. i made mistakes, sure. i said things i shouldn’t have. i pushed people away that didn’t deserve it. but i also apologized, and tried to make amends, and learned lessons, grew and changed from it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n but it didn’t matter. or it wasn’t enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n maybe i am just not enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n maybe my worth really is only what i can provide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n maybe all i deserve is to be alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n maybe that’s better for everyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" i’ve not written anything in a while… having this page discovered and then read by an unintended audience has soured everything. i don’t want to shirk any accountability for my own words and actions, but having this place sullied and ripped away from me left a vacuum. it removed a much needed pressure relief valve … Continue reading i’m angry with you, but i will never tell you.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-905","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sad"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/905","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=905"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/905\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":906,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/905\/revisions\/906"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=905"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=905"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=905"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}