it’s getting late, or maybe early. everyone is in bed but me. i’m not tired. well, no, i am tired, but i am not sleepy. if i went to bed right now i would likely just stare at the ceiling for hours.. so here we are. i wish i had some distraction right now to keep my brain focused on something else, but everything just feels kind of empty tonight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
something happened today, and it didn’t feel good. i said things i should have kept to myself. i thought about things i didn’t want to think about. i felt things i know i shouldn’t feel. why do i keep doing that? why can’t i just be normal? why do i have to stir the pot all the fucking time? why can’t i just be happy? why can’t i just be?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
when i started this, i was really not ok. i needed to explore the “why” of that. maybe if i could understand the why, then perhaps i could have some kind of control over it and make it stop. but the more i dig, the dirtier it gets. and tonight i feel like i’m neck deep in muck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
around every corner there are new questions, new problems, new dilemmas and i’m not actually getting anywhere i want to be. i’m just making things worse. i’ve been trying to talk about it, but every time i start, i’m smothered with shame, guilt, embarrassment and it’s preventing me from really being honest. and whether i try to push through that or i succumb to it, i just end up feeling even worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i don’t think i am a good person. this isn’t what a good person does. this is not what a good person has to deal with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
fuck. i can’t stay on this path. something needs to change. i swear i’m not a bad person.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
it’s getting late, or maybe early. everyone is in bed but me. i’m not tired. well, no, i am tired, but i am not sleepy. if i went to bed right now i would likely just stare at the ceiling for hours.. so here we are. i wish i had some distraction right now to … Continue reading pick something<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-452","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sad"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/452","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=452"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/452\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":454,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/452\/revisions\/454"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=452"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=452"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=452"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}