as i woke up this morning my head was filled with new ideas and thoughts. not sure if i just slept well, or if i had some kind of inspirational dreams that i immediately forgot or what, but it’s a welcome change from the usual dread i have felt for a while now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
first things first, i need to start making lemonade, it’s not going to make itself. i have to turn some things around, and i think that has to start with my general outlook on things. for a long while now i have been hyper focused on the negative, i have to broaden my view. not everything is bad, not everything is doom and gloom, not everything is hopeless. no one is going to save me, so i have to make things better myself. i will fail, i will fuck up, i will make mistakes. that’s ok. i can learn from that. besides, there ARE good things in my life. i need to acknowledge and celebrate those things more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
next, i think i have put WAY too many expectations on a certain individual, and it is completely unfair of me to have done so. i don’t know if it’s just being too busy, if it’s disinterest, or something else entirely, but ultimately it doesn’t really matter. i am owed quite literally nothing, and i can’t expect anything more than that, no matter how much i might want it. what exists currently is too precious to me to risk spoiling again. i am happy just knowing that there is some form of dialogue after all these years, and that has to be good enough. no, that *is* good enough. i regret the long silence, i regret the way in which i broke the silence, but i do NOT regret breaking the silence at all. i know you’re going to read this and i hope you don’t take my words the wrong way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
all that said, i clearly need to fucking talk. a lot. and frequently. this place helps, but it’s an echo chamber. i need more than that. i need dialogue. i need new ideas. i need some kind of tether to reality. i need distraction, i need to compare notes, i need to have some kind of symbiotic accountability feedback loop that works both ways. i am talking to a therapist now, but that’s once a week, it’s very one sided and honestly, i’m still not convinced this is for me. as far as other friends, j is too emotionally stunted, g is a ghost, e is too close, k is… well… that’s a whole other thing, t looks up to me too much. it seems i don’t have many good options at my disposal currently. perhaps i need to find someone else? i think? maybe? i know there are entire subreddits dedicated to making new friends, maybe i can start there? if nothing else, it might be entertaining for a short while.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
at home i need to redouble my efforts. it doesn’t matter if there isn’t any kind of reciprocity. i need to do it for me. i need to prove to myself that i am the person i think i am, that i know i am. i need to swallow my pride, i need to show the example. it’s my job to fix this because no one else will.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
lastly, i think i have been too hard on myself. i’ve been told that by a few people lately, and maybe i need to listen. this one is going to be difficult to overcome though. my go-to for as long as i can remember is self deprecation. if i can shit on myself before anyone else has an opportunity, then they are less likely to do so themselves. it’s manipulative and it’s cowardly. that’s not who i am. i’m better than that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
as i woke up this morning my head was filled with new ideas and thoughts. not sure if i just slept well, or if i had some kind of inspirational dreams that i immediately forgot or what, but it’s a welcome change from the usual dread i have felt for a while now. first things … Continue reading lemonade<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-336","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-happy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/336","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=336"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/336\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":340,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/336\/revisions\/340"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=336"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=336"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nocarrier.blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=336"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}